Tag Archives: positive

A few words to my younger self..

If I could write a letter to my younger self, it would go something like this..

OI YOU LITTLE BITCH!..

Just kidding..


-always remember to smile

-You are always good enough.. never listen to the few idiots who try to make you feel less of a person, they are projecting their own issues on you, and they are also arseholes.

-your mum is always right, apart from thinking you like eggs, she won’t remember this until you hit 28 and by that time you won’t actually mind them

-you will loose that ‘puppy fat’ and when you look back, you will realise you were never really fat anyway!

-get rid of the negative influences in your life sooner rather than later

-when you get that first working pay check, for god sake stay away from new look!

-coming second is a big achievement..especially when it’s to someone who is just as creative and ridiculously talented, it’s something to be proud of, nothing to be embarrassed of.

-it’s ok to cry & show emotion, it’s totally ok to ‘cry like a girl’ as you bloody are one!

-what ever you do, do not let that dinner lady force you to eat cauliflower cheese..it doesn’t end well

-be yourself, don’t be so shy and embarrassed. There is nothing wrong with standing out from the crowd.

-everything will make sense in a few years, all of those gut feelings and niggling thoughts will make sense

-massive hoop earrings are a major faux par 

-as is pulling your socks over your finest Lacoste tracky pants 

-you will find your place one day, no more longing of a place to fit in, you will finally find the right fashion sense through vintage everything!

-that empty space you feel that needs filling, will become whole once you start to love yourself ❤

-stop ironing your hair immediately, one day you will want those curls back

-it’s ok not to have a plan, you don’t have to go to uni or college straight away, enjoy being young and free!

And last but not least..

DONT RUN IN CLOGGS YOU DAFT COW!!

Monday vibes

Over the past few weeks I have let my creative side take a back seat, well with the exception of modelling. Last month I went out and bought a load or canvases, paint, oil/chalk pastels and decided to sit down and get the better side of messy. I painted one, done the background of two, then left those to one side to gather dust in my little arty corner surrounded by fabric slices and a glue gun.

Over the weekend, I was absolutely worn out, I have pushed myself too far over the past few weeks to the point of being ill and burnt out. I actually left a family party at midnight due to being that exhausted. I’m usually the first to be drunk and the last one to leave but I just couldn’t function, even after having several beers I couldn’t wake up. The next morning I woke up shattered. Had a full English with the rents and headed home. It’s taken it’s toll so much that I actually looked like a bag of boiled shite that had been set a lite and stamped on.

So I decided to do something I hadn’t done for ages..chill my beans.

I sat in my little crib, drank herbal tea and ate so much cake. I managed to do a little chakra meditation, I caught up with a few sets from Glasto and actually finished a painting..all in my pjs!

This morning I woke up feeling the best I had in a few weeks, ready for five 12 hour day shifts this week..

Monday will not kick my arse this week, if anything..I will kick the arse out of Monday with some pure positive vibes ✌️

As I have said on more than one occasion, it’s time to start listening to my body and slowing down..now I actually will. Even though by Friday, I think the smile may have been beaten out of me after 60hrs but I will sleep like a baby Friday night. I’m still not motivated enough to hit the gym after work though, the only way that will happen is if they start to serve prosecco in their water fountain, that would get me there every night!!

Chilled at last 


I’m blogging al fresco today! I’m currently sat in the park, thoroughly chilling my beans.

I have been non stop lately, barely having a day to recharge. It’s got to the point this week where I’m finally run down and sound like Barry white. I have joked that it’s ‘maga aids’ from my holiday but I managed to avoid not only so much as communicating with the dickhead ‘joey essex wannabes’ of Magaluf but all the mayhem that goes with mad holidays. I just went to float in the sea! It’s my own fault as I always get ill when I push myself too hard and never learn.

So I’ve decided to take some much needed ‘me’ time. Due to some amazing planning,mostly my own fault, I was due to have one day off in 15 days, thanks to filling my time with shoots,work & overtime because I’m an idiot. So I cancelled tonight’s shift.

Tonight’s new plan: No worrying looking for overtime shifts, no shoot planning,  no lists, no working out my money every two minutes and definitely no housework! Instead i’m going for a candle lit bath, face mask, film night & herbal tea ❤ a full girly recharge in all its glory. Which is ironic as I always considered myself far, FAR from girly. I give in, totally!!

Now, I’m sat in the park, listening to pink clouds division bell with my bare feet on the grass and it feels awesome. I spent every nice day in the park when I moved but haven’t for a few weeks with being so busy. Totally forgot how much I love chilling outside.

I may disintegrate in the sun being a fake ginger and all, but at least I would be reduced to dust with a big smile on my face and a positive attitude.. LIFE IS GOOD ✌️

The difference a year can make


Exactly a year ago today,  I was sat on my mates couch drinking vodka, getting ready to pack my life into bin bags, move back home and start all over again.

Fast forward a year, I’m sat on a beach looking out to sea and listening to the waves crashing on the rocks. 

A lot has changed over the past year,  not only my situation but my whole mind set. I’m much more positive, confident and I seem to be spilling my emotional beans all over the place, something I never thought I’d be able to do. Since doing so,not only have I changed but people’s attitudes towards me have changed. I seem to be meeting people with the exact same thinking as me and I have been given some amazing opportunities so I have a lot more to get exited about this year.

I’ve learnt how to be on my own again and to enjoy my own company, I’ve also got my creative side back and haven’t stopped laughing for the past few months, especially at the most random things!

The last few days I have spent with my beautifully bonkers friend at her home in Spain and have had an absolute ball, just what I needed. Not only did I totally conquer my fear of flying and flown completely alone (anxiety free) but I went on a bar crawl and ended up spray painted as a giraffe/zebra style thing. Both things I never thought I would do, especially in Magaluf!!

Tomorrow I will be spending my last few hours drifting about in the sea and jumping over waves again before I head back to reality, straight in to work.. but that doesn’t bother me i the slightest. I couldn’t be happier than I am right now ❤

Although all this positivity may change tomorrow..as someone forgot to put sun cream on their face and it’s been around 100 degrees today!

Ruby Wilde..Pin Up

Now I am back to being a confident little sausage again, I’ve decided to take the plunge into pin up modelling. It’s something I have wanted to do for ages, ever since my first shoot with Alt Studio in Manchester, a shoot that I won on Facebook! I had never even thought of modelling or anything pin up related before that, apart from loving a bit of Audrey, Marilyn and the gorgeous Lauren Bacall in the old Hollywood movies but who doesn’t. I have debated it for ages, constantly talking myself out of it with more self-doubt. Then I saw an Instagram post asking for submissions to a new pin up magazine and thought why the hell not, they can only say no. they actually accepted them!

I have had three shoots so far. One a fun 50’s pin up on location in new Brighton/Port Sunlight, the second a 60’s shoot around the gorgeous buildings in Liverpool and todays was a lingerie style shoot with military gear. I enjoyed all three so much and managed to get some fantastic images. I have finally found a hobby that I actually really enjoy, although it can be hard work.

My first shoot in over two years went abit like this..

20 mins of coconut oil pulling, a pin curl set, full face of makeup and keeping everything crossed that my only pair of sheer stockings didn’t ladder on the way up! I was over the moon that all of the above had gone perfect, which isn’t my usual style. Then I got to my car outside to see that it had been redecorated by what looks like a synchronised team of homing pigeons. Clearly I fitted right in, dressed all glam, sat in a metal tin of absolute shite. Then the tunnel was heaving and the car park we had agreed to meet was chocker too. Thankfully it got better from there, apart from me accidentally flashing a cyclist, they really are hard to spot!

Planning a shoot can be tough, finding the right photographer, arranging an appropriate date and idea is just the start. Then there is choosing the right outfit, luckily I have quite a varied pin up and vintage wardrobe ready to be put to good use! Then if you can’t find a make-up artist or hairdresser willing to collaborate on a TF (time for) basis, you need to practice the look until your happy, something that I have always played along with anyway. The night before, I usually do 15-20 mins of coconut oil pulling, my preening & body prep and try to get good night’s sleep. Before today’s shoot, I had a quick 20min meditation when I woke up, followed by a nice breakfast ready for the afternoon ahead. One thing I have learnt from this modelling malarkey, I really need to work on my core fitness! Although I can get into most poses and hold them without shaking like a shitting dog but I definitely need some work.

This week I have another shoot booked at a networking event for models and photographers at an amazing old manor house which will be a great opportunity to get my little face out there and make some contacts. I also have a few more ideas for fun shoots, as well as making a military style calendar for charity, something I have always wanted to do, even if it only sells one, it’s all for a good cause.

I have posted some pics from various shoots above but feel free to check out my facebook page @rubywildepinup or Instagram @rubywildepinup which will be updated after most shoots!

29 and Awesome!

IM-SORRY-I-COULD-NOT-HEAR-YOU-OVER-HOW-AWESOME-I-AM

Last week, I hit the milestone of the final year of my 20’s. This was a terrifying thought for all involved, who keep reminding me that I need to enjoy my 20’s while it lasts. I’ll admit, thanks to this I did have a teeny tiny freak out but I eventually told myself to get a grip. I actually can’t wait to turn 30. I am setting no goals or plans to hit at all, I don’t care if I will be single or taken, that I will still be asked for ID everywhere, that I don’t own my own house or what I will be doing in life at that time. I will hit 30 pressure free 🙂

My minor quarter life crisis included me thinking that I needed to sort out every area in my life right now, making me think that most of it was going wrong, when in fact it’s all actually bloody brilliant! I have my lovely family, a job, a roof over my head and food in my cupboards. What more could a girl need?!

My crisis point did have some lasting effects. I have continued to do meditation and yoga, still playing my ukulele and moaning about useless shit I can’t change a lot less. I am taking the time to do things that I have always wanted to do, including doing pin up shoots and not actually caring about people’s opinions.

One thing that didn’t stick was my ‘alcohol free april’. I genuinely don’t give a shit that I failed at this one. I had a brilliant day/night out with my lovely family and just as good a day recovery on Sunday.

I am five days in to being 29 and i’m living the dream. In February i relocated to a totally new area, away from my family and friends, somewhere that I had only drove through once and didn’t know a soul. I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone thinking it would challenge me, so far it has indeed! As cliché as it sounds I have actually rediscovered something I had been looking for. I am totally back to being myself, the person that I hadn’t seen for over 8ish years. We have all been there, when people try to make you feel like a bag of hot, sweaty shite. Nasty comments said at the right time can send you on that downward spiral of self-hatred and make you believe every put down. Not anymore. I know my worth, I’m not those names that I have been called and while I am not perfect, I love my imperfections!

So what if I swear like a Docker, love a drink, wear old clothes, choose to dye my hair ginger, don’t have the perfect figure, I’m stubborn as hell and the height of a midget. I couldn’t care less, in fact..i’m awesome and i love it!

Living the dream

when-you-wake-up-with-no-hangover-7714539

Its Friday night, I am off work and I am sober. In other news, hell has frozen over. I am well and truly powering through my alcohol free April and finding it a lot easier than I thought I would! I don’t miss my ‘one glass that turns into a bottle’ of wine after work, my night off beers or my raging hangovers that leave me screaming into the bog all day. In fact I am sat here, doing my usual Friday night routine of watching BBC 4’s music documentaries and drinking alcohol free wine or Chenin Blanc, Tesco’s finest don’t you know, allegedly.

At the start of this I thought great, I will lose the few evil pounds that have crept on since my breakup diet ended and I would save a fair bit of wedge. Instead of this, I seem to have done the total opposite. I have replaced buying alcohol with chocolate, popcorn, copious amount of carbs and shopping. In my defence, my shopping has been mainly Vintage for a photoshoot so I’m not counting that. Also, flowers, candles, face masks and lush bath bombs are all essential purchases right?!

Now I am not spending my days like a hot mess and feeling sorry for myself, I had no idea what to do. So I’ve started learning my ukulele, trying to get my head into meditating, attempted yoga, attempted running, arranging and planning photo shoots and I spend more time in the park than the ducks. I now drink herbal tea too and I’m loving all of it. I may have to change my name again now I’m a new woman!

A few people who know me, those that know I can drink most under the table before turning into an emotional mess and ruining my life, say that I can’t do it. Next week, the impending birthday night out, will be the big one. Now I am more looking forward to throwing my vintage dress on and enjoying my meal knowing that I won’t see it again in the morning. PREACH.

So cheers to everyone having a drink, enjoy your hangover, I will be joining you at 00.00 on 1st May and hammered by 00.02.

Decorate your soul

flowers

Since my latest epiphany, that I need to start loving myself, I realised one other thing..i have no idea where to start. I have hardly ever liked myself and now I am expected to try this love stuff out, Jesus! Obviously I defaulted to my usual trait of making a list, but not before doing some googling and deep thinking. So here is my own idea of how I think I need to approach this change;

  1. Let go of the guilt and hatred for yourself for past mistakes, don’t be critical of yourself, other people do that enough, learn from your lessons
  2. Date yourself – go to the movies, to a nice restaurant, buy yourself flowers, treat yourself how you would want to be treated on a date
  3. Travel somewhere alone – to a place you have never been before
  4. Pamper yourself – go for that massage, use bath bombs, face masks, do your hair & make up
  5. Write yourself a letter- about your achievements, what you are proud of, the qualities that people never see, your quirks, your naughty habits, write what you need to hear
  6. Make time for a new hobby – read up on something you are interested in
  7. Learn to be vulnerable with the people you care about
  8. Look at yourself from someone else’s perspective
  9. Celebrate yourself, be kind to yourself, don’t rely on anyone else for your happiness
  10. Learn to love your edges and flaws – no one is perfect, why would you accept someone else’s imperfections and not your own?

My note book will be busy these next few weeks, not only will I be writing myself this so called ‘letter of love’ but I fully intend to get to know myself. My hopes, dreams, fears, achievements, strengths and weaknesses. You would think that you know yourself as we all spend that much time in our own heads but it is usually thinking of other people; how they feel, what they want, if you are doing right by others. It is only when you sit down with that pen and paper do you start to figure out who you are. I know that there will be a lot more ways to learn to love yourself, so I am open to more ideas!

Learn to love yourself

‘You cannot be lonely if you like the person your alone with’ Wayne Dyer

love yourself

After a particularly emotional week, full of guilt, tears and one of the worst possible jobs you can attend whilst working for an ambulance service, I have had my eyes opened. It is time for yet another change; I am going to embrace being a spiritual thinking little soul.

Since I was a teenager, I have always felt like there was a part of me missing, that feeling of always needing to find something or someone to complete me. I always thought that it was a specific issue that left me feeling this way. Even once that issue was resolved, the lost feeling didn’t leave. I tried to fill it with relationships, alcohol, fashion, shopping and friends and it would work for a while. I have always been looking or searching for something that was right inside me all along; its not another person i need to fill the lost, empty feeling i have, I just needed to find myself. I realise that I need to learn to accept my past mistakes, let go of them and move on. After all they have led me right now; they have contributed to the person that I am today. I need to learn to love myself. After all how can you expect anyone else to love you if you don’t love yourself?

I have really struggled in the past. I have hated myself for various reasons. I hated my body, my stomach, that I was chunky as a teenager, my angry red stretchmarks, then I hated my shiny silver ones, I hated that I had such big boobs for such a small person, I hated that this was what people tended to notice about me, I hated how shy I was, how short I was, how drunk I get, the person that drink turns me into, hated how promiscuous I have been in the past, I hated how I felt needy and emotional, hated myself if I cried in front of anyone, I hated that I couldn’t stand up for myself, that I usually say the wrong thing in group conversations, how stubborn I am, I hated how full on I can be. I hate that I listened to other people, when someone tries to project their thoughts or what they dislike about me, I believed and hated.

Now, as I near 29, I am learning to love myself. I love my body and my un-perfect figure, my little ‘family belly’ passed down our family that never goes. I love my stretch marks. I don’t care about the size of my boobs anymore, I realise that only the shallowest of people will take notice and not see me for who I am. I love how short and small I am, I saved a small fortune buying a child’s pair of glasses and boots. I like being shy when I first meet people, I feel it leaves an air of mystery. I am learning that alcohol isnt the answer to most situations, in fact it will make them worse, I am slowly learning how to change my patterns of behaviour. I have accepted my previous mistakes that have come out of alcohol and raised my standards a hell of a lot, I have let go of the guilt that I have been holding on to. I know that its ok to be needy at times, I still hate crying in front of people but i am learning.  I accept that I am stubborn and being full on is just an outlet of excitement! As for what I say in conversations, who’s arsed though, really?! I no longer listen to other people’s thoughts, so what if you think I am boring, dress like a 60’s throw back or swear too much, keep your passive aggressive comments to yourself. I now know that these are the other persons issues, not my own, it is their ego talking.

I now realise that this is all in the past. In order to move on and live a happy, guilt free life, I need to accept both my achievements and failures. I need to understand that it is ok to fail, that I will fail on occasion but I will also succeed a lot more. I believe that everything happens for a reason, certain people come and go, some are a lesson and some a blessing. I am learning a lot about myself lately and I realise that the past few years have been a huge learning curve.

I am now happy with the way things are going. My confidence has had a serious boost, i am loving spending time alone, i love the mini challenges i have set for myself and i am loving actually reaching my little goals.

So now I have set myself two big challenges. Not only will I become a positive thinking person with bags of confidence, I will also do something I never thought possible, I will learn to love myself.

Selective Extrovert?!

introvert extrovert

I have never really looked at myself as an introvert or an extrovert, I’m not the kind of person who wants to be categorized, where’s the fun in that?!

I seem to go through phases of being either extremely sociable for a few weeks then I go to the opposite end of the scale to the point where I go full on recluse mode. Take the past few months for example. I found myself single for the first time in years and back living with the rents, sat in my room most nights. So I hit my sociable phase. I started going out most nights, either on dates or catching up with mates, drinking out of boredom or to help me sleep. Mix that up with Christmas festivities and shift work in between, come January I was shattered. I had no space to escape or place to call my own. I had organized a surprise weekend away for my mum’s birthday with the whole family in the Lake District and while it was an amazing weekend, I was drained by the second night and in bed early. Although I am sure that flapping that the surprise would be ruined, trying to sort things out for the big move and drinking way too much only added to matters. It was nothing a walk on the mountain and a little hot tub and sauna session couldn’t sort out.

I don’t like being the centre of attention, yet I want to stand out from everyone else and look different. I love to get ridiculously dolled up in vintage styles, thus drawing it to myself. I love big, BIG 60’s hair, victory rolls, wiggle dresses, 50’s tea dresses, mini mod dresses and lashings of lack eyeliner and red lipstick. The joy I get when a good pin curl set brushes out and sets like a dream cannot be put into words. That’s the only time I miss living with anyone, there is no one around to appreciate my masterpiece hair but thankfully my mum has Whatsapp!

I am sometimes shy around new people and tend to stay quiet in group conversations. I prefer to listen to what everyone else has to say first and get to know people before I can chirp in; even then I’m still quite reserved, which is another reason for writing this blog! Then I will meet a certain type of person; one that I immediately feel comfortable with and unleash my unusual, witty and chatty side and I have no guilt. Those thoughts after conversations where normally I would wonder if I came across weird, if I slipped up and said something too personal about myself or could have offended in anyway are none existent. Actually, all of those things add to the conversation! I am now learning not to answer the ‘what have you been up to?’ question with ‘nothing much’ and sounding like a boring cow that sits at home every night in the dark. I hated talking about myself. I suppose that’s why I can talk to patients in work; I am usually asking the questions. I do however think that most of these behaviors have been learnt, from trusting the wrong people and having private things broadcast like the latest gossip to the looks I get when I make a comment on a situation where I have let my ‘whatever you do, don’t say that’ filter slip; maybe Maybe i am a closet extrovert?! I actually don’t care what others think of me, I dress how I like, I don’t care if I piss anyone off and I will unleash my weird side, well with selective people of course, I wouldn’t want to be slapped on a 28 day ‘holiday’. Time to start selling myself (in a non-prostitute kind of way) and get out of this introvert/extrovert closet my lack of confidence has created.

Since making these small changes, avoiding negativity and becoming more confident in myself, I have made some amazing friends, some of which were right in front of me the whole time. After my pretty crappy year, a few of my work colleagues have been amazing, especially with loads of good advice that had helped no end, I have reconnected with old friends who actually knew me a lot more than I thought and people with the same interests and views have appeared in my life. No more drama llama’s or mood hoover’s in my life, PREACH!