This time last year, I posted my first blog post.
My initial idea to start a blog was to explore my creative side which I felt had randomly awakened after years of being repressed. Although I have always felt creative or ‘arty’, I had never followed through with a project. I had bought countless materials, tools and thought of loads of business ideas as well as putting hours into practicing crafts, only to freak out at the last minute at the prospect of showing the world. So instead of trying, I would quit while I was ahead, so not to prove the niggling doubts that I will always be a failure, right.
When I started it, I had felt like I had only just begun to live for myself. In the past I had always tried to follow the crowd and ‘conform’ to what I thought people needed or wanted me to be, always thinking that it was other people or material things that make you happy. Finally, at the age of 28, I had realised that this wasn’t the case. I have to create my own happiness.
So, I ran away with my blog doing something that I had never even imagined possible for me, spilling my thoughts out in to the world. As someone who prides themselves on being a painfully private person who doesn’t like to show my emotions, it proved a lot harder than I thought. I loved writing and could feel my writing style improving but felt I had to try hard to come up with something witty or funny to write. Even though they pretty much wrote themselves, especially after some of the horrendous dates I went on (thanks Tinder).
At first, I thought it was amazing having people tell me how great it was and that they could relate to my posts. Then the niggling doubt of failing came along and I just stopped writing. My last post was a modelling one in January, a last ditch attempt at trying to revamp myself.
Months later, after going through what I can only describe as a ‘rough patch’, I have come to the realisation that I don’t actually have to reinvent myself. I can be whoever the hell I want to be.
The past few months have been hard work. I have gone from having my confidence at an all-time high to the complete opposite, without knowing why. I had gone from feeling completely high on life to crying every other night for no reason whatsoever, back to isolating myself from the world. I had reached the point of burn out.
Its only now, after months of what I’d call ‘soul work’ that I realise that I was putting too much pressure on myself. Pressure to excel as a pin up model, perfect the model craft, be good at my job, get on a paramedic course, save up to buy a house, pressure to look a certain way, to act appropriately and to completely change as a person. All of which is not me at all.
I had to go through a dark period of beating myself up again, feeling guilty for past mistakes and believing that I would prove someone right, that I wouldn’t amount to anything and I would be a total failure. I had burnt myself out trying to prove that wasn’t the case. I should have just listened to my mum.
It took me several emotional lonely red wine breakdowns and pouring my heart out to my mate after a night out whilst inhaling my mackys (classy bird) to realise that I had no idea what I was doing anymore and I needed to do something. So I hit default, a few days later whilst in work i rang my mum and had a 20 min chat that has possibly changed everything around. She had noticed how I had changed, that I had stopped being positive, quirky, going on random walks and back to eating total shite and suggested what I needed to do. Sort myself out.
So over the past two months I have slowly made changes in every aspect of my life. I spilled my life out to a total stranger, had several epiphanies, opened up to the few people I trust, started meditation again, yoga and I have started to change my diet. I’m now back to feeling absolutely amazing again, that person I have been over the past few months seems like some total freak, a stranger.
This is something I have wanted to write for ages. Why should people only talk about their high points in life? Social media is full of people pretending everything is perfect, posting filtered selfies and filtered lives, when in reality we have all struggled at some point.
The bad parts to this little awakening I have had are that I now have no tolerance for certain types of people, mainly the energy vampires and mood hoovers. I have also thrown half the contents of my flat out as it no longer serves me, I can’t stand watching the news, I’m obsessed with vegan documentaries and after not having dairy for a few weeks, I now have an intolerance to it. Which I learnt after I decided to swerve my herbal tea in favour of a normal brew, not the best idea in work!
So my blog might take a different turn now. Expect spirituality, positivity (unless im on a night shift) and attacks of confidence but i’m sure I will still encounter the odd dickhead who deserves a post, after the caliber of freaks I have attracted in the past. If all else fails, I’ll get back on tinder for some more ‘market research’.. the things you have to do for a decent post!!