Tag Archives: positive thinking

A few words to my younger self..

If I could write a letter to my younger self, it would go something like this..

OI YOU LITTLE BITCH!..

Just kidding..


-always remember to smile

-You are always good enough.. never listen to the few idiots who try to make you feel less of a person, they are projecting their own issues on you, and they are also arseholes.

-your mum is always right, apart from thinking you like eggs, she won’t remember this until you hit 28 and by that time you won’t actually mind them

-you will loose that ‘puppy fat’ and when you look back, you will realise you were never really fat anyway!

-get rid of the negative influences in your life sooner rather than later

-when you get that first working pay check, for god sake stay away from new look!

-coming second is a big achievement..especially when it’s to someone who is just as creative and ridiculously talented, it’s something to be proud of, nothing to be embarrassed of.

-it’s ok to cry & show emotion, it’s totally ok to ‘cry like a girl’ as you bloody are one!

-what ever you do, do not let that dinner lady force you to eat cauliflower cheese..it doesn’t end well

-be yourself, don’t be so shy and embarrassed. There is nothing wrong with standing out from the crowd.

-everything will make sense in a few years, all of those gut feelings and niggling thoughts will make sense

-massive hoop earrings are a major faux par 

-as is pulling your socks over your finest Lacoste tracky pants 

-you will find your place one day, no more longing of a place to fit in, you will finally find the right fashion sense through vintage everything!

-that empty space you feel that needs filling, will become whole once you start to love yourself ❤

-stop ironing your hair immediately, one day you will want those curls back

-it’s ok not to have a plan, you don’t have to go to uni or college straight away, enjoy being young and free!

And last but not least..

DONT RUN IN CLOGGS YOU DAFT COW!!

Monday vibes

Over the past few weeks I have let my creative side take a back seat, well with the exception of modelling. Last month I went out and bought a load or canvases, paint, oil/chalk pastels and decided to sit down and get the better side of messy. I painted one, done the background of two, then left those to one side to gather dust in my little arty corner surrounded by fabric slices and a glue gun.

Over the weekend, I was absolutely worn out, I have pushed myself too far over the past few weeks to the point of being ill and burnt out. I actually left a family party at midnight due to being that exhausted. I’m usually the first to be drunk and the last one to leave but I just couldn’t function, even after having several beers I couldn’t wake up. The next morning I woke up shattered. Had a full English with the rents and headed home. It’s taken it’s toll so much that I actually looked like a bag of boiled shite that had been set a lite and stamped on.

So I decided to do something I hadn’t done for ages..chill my beans.

I sat in my little crib, drank herbal tea and ate so much cake. I managed to do a little chakra meditation, I caught up with a few sets from Glasto and actually finished a painting..all in my pjs!

This morning I woke up feeling the best I had in a few weeks, ready for five 12 hour day shifts this week..

Monday will not kick my arse this week, if anything..I will kick the arse out of Monday with some pure positive vibes ✌️

As I have said on more than one occasion, it’s time to start listening to my body and slowing down..now I actually will. Even though by Friday, I think the smile may have been beaten out of me after 60hrs but I will sleep like a baby Friday night. I’m still not motivated enough to hit the gym after work though, the only way that will happen is if they start to serve prosecco in their water fountain, that would get me there every night!!

Chilled at last 


I’m blogging al fresco today! I’m currently sat in the park, thoroughly chilling my beans.

I have been non stop lately, barely having a day to recharge. It’s got to the point this week where I’m finally run down and sound like Barry white. I have joked that it’s ‘maga aids’ from my holiday but I managed to avoid not only so much as communicating with the dickhead ‘joey essex wannabes’ of Magaluf but all the mayhem that goes with mad holidays. I just went to float in the sea! It’s my own fault as I always get ill when I push myself too hard and never learn.

So I’ve decided to take some much needed ‘me’ time. Due to some amazing planning,mostly my own fault, I was due to have one day off in 15 days, thanks to filling my time with shoots,work & overtime because I’m an idiot. So I cancelled tonight’s shift.

Tonight’s new plan: No worrying looking for overtime shifts, no shoot planning,  no lists, no working out my money every two minutes and definitely no housework! Instead i’m going for a candle lit bath, face mask, film night & herbal tea ❤ a full girly recharge in all its glory. Which is ironic as I always considered myself far, FAR from girly. I give in, totally!!

Now, I’m sat in the park, listening to pink clouds division bell with my bare feet on the grass and it feels awesome. I spent every nice day in the park when I moved but haven’t for a few weeks with being so busy. Totally forgot how much I love chilling outside.

I may disintegrate in the sun being a fake ginger and all, but at least I would be reduced to dust with a big smile on my face and a positive attitude.. LIFE IS GOOD ✌️

The difference a year can make


Exactly a year ago today,  I was sat on my mates couch drinking vodka, getting ready to pack my life into bin bags, move back home and start all over again.

Fast forward a year, I’m sat on a beach looking out to sea and listening to the waves crashing on the rocks. 

A lot has changed over the past year,  not only my situation but my whole mind set. I’m much more positive, confident and I seem to be spilling my emotional beans all over the place, something I never thought I’d be able to do. Since doing so,not only have I changed but people’s attitudes towards me have changed. I seem to be meeting people with the exact same thinking as me and I have been given some amazing opportunities so I have a lot more to get exited about this year.

I’ve learnt how to be on my own again and to enjoy my own company, I’ve also got my creative side back and haven’t stopped laughing for the past few months, especially at the most random things!

The last few days I have spent with my beautifully bonkers friend at her home in Spain and have had an absolute ball, just what I needed. Not only did I totally conquer my fear of flying and flown completely alone (anxiety free) but I went on a bar crawl and ended up spray painted as a giraffe/zebra style thing. Both things I never thought I would do, especially in Magaluf!!

Tomorrow I will be spending my last few hours drifting about in the sea and jumping over waves again before I head back to reality, straight in to work.. but that doesn’t bother me i the slightest. I couldn’t be happier than I am right now ❤

Although all this positivity may change tomorrow..as someone forgot to put sun cream on their face and it’s been around 100 degrees today!

11:11

Last night while in work I made the decision to pack in the whole pin up modelling thing, I got sick of looking at my own face and trying to promote my pages, thinking it’s going no where and essentially feeling like a dick promoting myself, which has always made me feel uncomfortable!

I woke up today ready to get rid of my pages, save my pictures and put it all down to experience. Then I started to see little signs. I woke to check my clock at 11.11, my car miles on the way to the gym were 111, my heart rate on the devils cross trainer was 111, then I looked at 11.11 mins left, then 1.11 mins to go and 1.11 mins on the rower.

I’m a huge believer in the whole 11.11 thing, that it is a sign that your doing everything the way you should be at that very minute. 

The first time I had ever seen it was after I had packed up my life and returned home, after crying at my wheel for 10 mins and my lovely Mum coming out to hug me,I looked at the clock on my car..11.11..it has since been everywhere,especially around when I’m making a decision, like the day I viewed my flat..which turned out to be my best decision yet.

Fast forward to this afternoon..as I was walking out of the gym, I had a phone call from a studio to tell me that I had won a Facebook competition for a burlesque style shoot, which is exactly how I got in to pin up, winning a facebook comp! Tonight, I have also been offered 3 more shoots. Time to quit doubting myself and stay positive..I could always blag a PA to sort my promotions out 😂

Getting back to being positive

Since I have made a few little changes to my life, I have felt like I am literally high on life over the past few months and I have noticed a big difference in most areas of my life. Now, I spend less time in my own head worrying and stressing about the past or future and no more trying to second guess every situation to come. I have been doing a fair bit of reading up on this positive thinking malarkey and have seen the phrase ‘live in the present’ banded about everywhere. I totally agree with this, we all spend too much time willing on our days off, holidays, planning for the future and waiting for something to happen that we forget to live our lives at that minute, we take it for granted. This was the hardest thing to do for me as my mind tends to wander a hell of a lot. It had taken a while and lots of telling myself to get a grip and stop over thinking but I am getting there, with the minor relapse; I have an imagination that loves to take over!

The past few days I have been trying to fight off the little negative niggles of self-doubt in my mind, which I am putting down to a few things: hormones, dating crap, night shifts, very little sleep and doing too much. I hadn’t realised I had slipped back into being a bit negative until I started going through my pin up pictures, scrutinising them and thinking of giving up, telling myself I’m not slim enough, pretty enough or have the right kind of look. Even when I have been let down by people that I know are totally flaky, thinking it was down to something I had done and not that it’s them just being their flaky selves.

I have been on a mission lately, like a woman possessed trying to fill my days off so I’m not sat in doing nothing, so much so that I have actually felt drained. Between hitting the gym, dating and planning and going for pin up shoots, I had totally forgotten to take time out for myself to chill and enjoy my lovely little home, which is what I am doing right now. The ‘healthy’ eating has been thrown out, I am eating my body weight in chocolate and biscuits and binging on Peep Show whilst I’m in night mode.

I am having a day or two away from the world of pin up modelling, life planning and healthy eating and I am removing myself from the shitty world of dating and focusing on myself again. Back to falling over doing yoga, falling asleep trying to meditate and forgetting that other people can hear me singing whilst walking around the park with my headphones in, i have missed those funny looks. Time to recharge my little brain and get back into the positive thinking zone.

Living the dream

when-you-wake-up-with-no-hangover-7714539

Its Friday night, I am off work and I am sober. In other news, hell has frozen over. I am well and truly powering through my alcohol free April and finding it a lot easier than I thought I would! I don’t miss my ‘one glass that turns into a bottle’ of wine after work, my night off beers or my raging hangovers that leave me screaming into the bog all day. In fact I am sat here, doing my usual Friday night routine of watching BBC 4’s music documentaries and drinking alcohol free wine or Chenin Blanc, Tesco’s finest don’t you know, allegedly.

At the start of this I thought great, I will lose the few evil pounds that have crept on since my breakup diet ended and I would save a fair bit of wedge. Instead of this, I seem to have done the total opposite. I have replaced buying alcohol with chocolate, popcorn, copious amount of carbs and shopping. In my defence, my shopping has been mainly Vintage for a photoshoot so I’m not counting that. Also, flowers, candles, face masks and lush bath bombs are all essential purchases right?!

Now I am not spending my days like a hot mess and feeling sorry for myself, I had no idea what to do. So I’ve started learning my ukulele, trying to get my head into meditating, attempted yoga, attempted running, arranging and planning photo shoots and I spend more time in the park than the ducks. I now drink herbal tea too and I’m loving all of it. I may have to change my name again now I’m a new woman!

A few people who know me, those that know I can drink most under the table before turning into an emotional mess and ruining my life, say that I can’t do it. Next week, the impending birthday night out, will be the big one. Now I am more looking forward to throwing my vintage dress on and enjoying my meal knowing that I won’t see it again in the morning. PREACH.

So cheers to everyone having a drink, enjoy your hangover, I will be joining you at 00.00 on 1st May and hammered by 00.02.

Decorate your soul

flowers

Since my latest epiphany, that I need to start loving myself, I realised one other thing..i have no idea where to start. I have hardly ever liked myself and now I am expected to try this love stuff out, Jesus! Obviously I defaulted to my usual trait of making a list, but not before doing some googling and deep thinking. So here is my own idea of how I think I need to approach this change;

  1. Let go of the guilt and hatred for yourself for past mistakes, don’t be critical of yourself, other people do that enough, learn from your lessons
  2. Date yourself – go to the movies, to a nice restaurant, buy yourself flowers, treat yourself how you would want to be treated on a date
  3. Travel somewhere alone – to a place you have never been before
  4. Pamper yourself – go for that massage, use bath bombs, face masks, do your hair & make up
  5. Write yourself a letter- about your achievements, what you are proud of, the qualities that people never see, your quirks, your naughty habits, write what you need to hear
  6. Make time for a new hobby – read up on something you are interested in
  7. Learn to be vulnerable with the people you care about
  8. Look at yourself from someone else’s perspective
  9. Celebrate yourself, be kind to yourself, don’t rely on anyone else for your happiness
  10. Learn to love your edges and flaws – no one is perfect, why would you accept someone else’s imperfections and not your own?

My note book will be busy these next few weeks, not only will I be writing myself this so called ‘letter of love’ but I fully intend to get to know myself. My hopes, dreams, fears, achievements, strengths and weaknesses. You would think that you know yourself as we all spend that much time in our own heads but it is usually thinking of other people; how they feel, what they want, if you are doing right by others. It is only when you sit down with that pen and paper do you start to figure out who you are. I know that there will be a lot more ways to learn to love yourself, so I am open to more ideas!

Meditation fail


So last night, after weeks of ‘not having time’ I attempted my first meditation session. I had spent ages reading through the benefits of it, thinking I would become a zen-like goddess after my first session..this was not the case.

A friend who is into this meditation malarkey advised me to try a 20 min guided meditation on YouTube. Off I went to bed, turned all the lights off and threw my headphones in, lying like I had been laid out to rest. I hit play and heard a very nice relaxing voice, with a rather loud ticking clock in the background. I tried to ignore it, relax and focus on my breathing like it said..for all of 3 mins.

At this point I turned into Dustin Hoffman in Hook. I had to smash the fuckers up. I had failed in my mission to become spiritually chilled and had done the total opposite, I had wound myself up something fierce.

I have two clocks in my bedroom, a cute vintage style bedside one and a big rose gold one on the wall. The ticks and tocks became unbearable over the sound of this chilled guys voice. So I hit the pause button, saying something along the lines of ‘for fuck sake I’m trying to chill here’ to no one, threw the big light on and removed the clock. I put it on the floor and covered it with blankets and all kinds of noise cancelling crap,still ticking but very muffled.  I decided against smashing it up, it’s quite a nice clock after all.

By the time I turned the light off again, attempted a swan dive on to my bed and hit play again,it took me the rest of the meditation to chill out. The point it did,the adverts came on and I shit myself. If that’s how I deal with trying to chill with meditation, trying yoga should be a breeze!

Maybe I am getting meditation and medication mixed up?!

There’s always tomorrow to be a zen-like master I suppose.

Learn to love yourself

‘You cannot be lonely if you like the person your alone with’ Wayne Dyer

love yourself

After a particularly emotional week, full of guilt, tears and one of the worst possible jobs you can attend whilst working for an ambulance service, I have had my eyes opened. It is time for yet another change; I am going to embrace being a spiritual thinking little soul.

Since I was a teenager, I have always felt like there was a part of me missing, that feeling of always needing to find something or someone to complete me. I always thought that it was a specific issue that left me feeling this way. Even once that issue was resolved, the lost feeling didn’t leave. I tried to fill it with relationships, alcohol, fashion, shopping and friends and it would work for a while. I have always been looking or searching for something that was right inside me all along; its not another person i need to fill the lost, empty feeling i have, I just needed to find myself. I realise that I need to learn to accept my past mistakes, let go of them and move on. After all they have led me right now; they have contributed to the person that I am today. I need to learn to love myself. After all how can you expect anyone else to love you if you don’t love yourself?

I have really struggled in the past. I have hated myself for various reasons. I hated my body, my stomach, that I was chunky as a teenager, my angry red stretchmarks, then I hated my shiny silver ones, I hated that I had such big boobs for such a small person, I hated that this was what people tended to notice about me, I hated how shy I was, how short I was, how drunk I get, the person that drink turns me into, hated how promiscuous I have been in the past, I hated how I felt needy and emotional, hated myself if I cried in front of anyone, I hated that I couldn’t stand up for myself, that I usually say the wrong thing in group conversations, how stubborn I am, I hated how full on I can be. I hate that I listened to other people, when someone tries to project their thoughts or what they dislike about me, I believed and hated.

Now, as I near 29, I am learning to love myself. I love my body and my un-perfect figure, my little ‘family belly’ passed down our family that never goes. I love my stretch marks. I don’t care about the size of my boobs anymore, I realise that only the shallowest of people will take notice and not see me for who I am. I love how short and small I am, I saved a small fortune buying a child’s pair of glasses and boots. I like being shy when I first meet people, I feel it leaves an air of mystery. I am learning that alcohol isnt the answer to most situations, in fact it will make them worse, I am slowly learning how to change my patterns of behaviour. I have accepted my previous mistakes that have come out of alcohol and raised my standards a hell of a lot, I have let go of the guilt that I have been holding on to. I know that its ok to be needy at times, I still hate crying in front of people but i am learning.  I accept that I am stubborn and being full on is just an outlet of excitement! As for what I say in conversations, who’s arsed though, really?! I no longer listen to other people’s thoughts, so what if you think I am boring, dress like a 60’s throw back or swear too much, keep your passive aggressive comments to yourself. I now know that these are the other persons issues, not my own, it is their ego talking.

I now realise that this is all in the past. In order to move on and live a happy, guilt free life, I need to accept both my achievements and failures. I need to understand that it is ok to fail, that I will fail on occasion but I will also succeed a lot more. I believe that everything happens for a reason, certain people come and go, some are a lesson and some a blessing. I am learning a lot about myself lately and I realise that the past few years have been a huge learning curve.

I am now happy with the way things are going. My confidence has had a serious boost, i am loving spending time alone, i love the mini challenges i have set for myself and i am loving actually reaching my little goals.

So now I have set myself two big challenges. Not only will I become a positive thinking person with bags of confidence, I will also do something I never thought possible, I will learn to love myself.