Tag Archives: past

A few words to my younger self..

If I could write a letter to my younger self, it would go something like this..

OI YOU LITTLE BITCH!..

Just kidding..


-always remember to smile

-You are always good enough.. never listen to the few idiots who try to make you feel less of a person, they are projecting their own issues on you, and they are also arseholes.

-your mum is always right, apart from thinking you like eggs, she won’t remember this until you hit 28 and by that time you won’t actually mind them

-you will loose that ‘puppy fat’ and when you look back, you will realise you were never really fat anyway!

-get rid of the negative influences in your life sooner rather than later

-when you get that first working pay check, for god sake stay away from new look!

-coming second is a big achievement..especially when it’s to someone who is just as creative and ridiculously talented, it’s something to be proud of, nothing to be embarrassed of.

-it’s ok to cry & show emotion, it’s totally ok to ‘cry like a girl’ as you bloody are one!

-what ever you do, do not let that dinner lady force you to eat cauliflower cheese..it doesn’t end well

-be yourself, don’t be so shy and embarrassed. There is nothing wrong with standing out from the crowd.

-everything will make sense in a few years, all of those gut feelings and niggling thoughts will make sense

-massive hoop earrings are a major faux par 

-as is pulling your socks over your finest Lacoste tracky pants 

-you will find your place one day, no more longing of a place to fit in, you will finally find the right fashion sense through vintage everything!

-that empty space you feel that needs filling, will become whole once you start to love yourself ❤

-stop ironing your hair immediately, one day you will want those curls back

-it’s ok not to have a plan, you don’t have to go to uni or college straight away, enjoy being young and free!

And last but not least..

DONT RUN IN CLOGGS YOU DAFT COW!!

The difference a year can make


Exactly a year ago today,  I was sat on my mates couch drinking vodka, getting ready to pack my life into bin bags, move back home and start all over again.

Fast forward a year, I’m sat on a beach looking out to sea and listening to the waves crashing on the rocks. 

A lot has changed over the past year,  not only my situation but my whole mind set. I’m much more positive, confident and I seem to be spilling my emotional beans all over the place, something I never thought I’d be able to do. Since doing so,not only have I changed but people’s attitudes towards me have changed. I seem to be meeting people with the exact same thinking as me and I have been given some amazing opportunities so I have a lot more to get exited about this year.

I’ve learnt how to be on my own again and to enjoy my own company, I’ve also got my creative side back and haven’t stopped laughing for the past few months, especially at the most random things!

The last few days I have spent with my beautifully bonkers friend at her home in Spain and have had an absolute ball, just what I needed. Not only did I totally conquer my fear of flying and flown completely alone (anxiety free) but I went on a bar crawl and ended up spray painted as a giraffe/zebra style thing. Both things I never thought I would do, especially in Magaluf!!

Tomorrow I will be spending my last few hours drifting about in the sea and jumping over waves again before I head back to reality, straight in to work.. but that doesn’t bother me i the slightest. I couldn’t be happier than I am right now ❤

Although all this positivity may change tomorrow..as someone forgot to put sun cream on their face and it’s been around 100 degrees today!

Decorate your soul

flowers

Since my latest epiphany, that I need to start loving myself, I realised one other thing..i have no idea where to start. I have hardly ever liked myself and now I am expected to try this love stuff out, Jesus! Obviously I defaulted to my usual trait of making a list, but not before doing some googling and deep thinking. So here is my own idea of how I think I need to approach this change;

  1. Let go of the guilt and hatred for yourself for past mistakes, don’t be critical of yourself, other people do that enough, learn from your lessons
  2. Date yourself – go to the movies, to a nice restaurant, buy yourself flowers, treat yourself how you would want to be treated on a date
  3. Travel somewhere alone – to a place you have never been before
  4. Pamper yourself – go for that massage, use bath bombs, face masks, do your hair & make up
  5. Write yourself a letter- about your achievements, what you are proud of, the qualities that people never see, your quirks, your naughty habits, write what you need to hear
  6. Make time for a new hobby – read up on something you are interested in
  7. Learn to be vulnerable with the people you care about
  8. Look at yourself from someone else’s perspective
  9. Celebrate yourself, be kind to yourself, don’t rely on anyone else for your happiness
  10. Learn to love your edges and flaws – no one is perfect, why would you accept someone else’s imperfections and not your own?

My note book will be busy these next few weeks, not only will I be writing myself this so called ‘letter of love’ but I fully intend to get to know myself. My hopes, dreams, fears, achievements, strengths and weaknesses. You would think that you know yourself as we all spend that much time in our own heads but it is usually thinking of other people; how they feel, what they want, if you are doing right by others. It is only when you sit down with that pen and paper do you start to figure out who you are. I know that there will be a lot more ways to learn to love yourself, so I am open to more ideas!

Learn to love yourself

‘You cannot be lonely if you like the person your alone with’ Wayne Dyer

love yourself

After a particularly emotional week, full of guilt, tears and one of the worst possible jobs you can attend whilst working for an ambulance service, I have had my eyes opened. It is time for yet another change; I am going to embrace being a spiritual thinking little soul.

Since I was a teenager, I have always felt like there was a part of me missing, that feeling of always needing to find something or someone to complete me. I always thought that it was a specific issue that left me feeling this way. Even once that issue was resolved, the lost feeling didn’t leave. I tried to fill it with relationships, alcohol, fashion, shopping and friends and it would work for a while. I have always been looking or searching for something that was right inside me all along; its not another person i need to fill the lost, empty feeling i have, I just needed to find myself. I realise that I need to learn to accept my past mistakes, let go of them and move on. After all they have led me right now; they have contributed to the person that I am today. I need to learn to love myself. After all how can you expect anyone else to love you if you don’t love yourself?

I have really struggled in the past. I have hated myself for various reasons. I hated my body, my stomach, that I was chunky as a teenager, my angry red stretchmarks, then I hated my shiny silver ones, I hated that I had such big boobs for such a small person, I hated that this was what people tended to notice about me, I hated how shy I was, how short I was, how drunk I get, the person that drink turns me into, hated how promiscuous I have been in the past, I hated how I felt needy and emotional, hated myself if I cried in front of anyone, I hated that I couldn’t stand up for myself, that I usually say the wrong thing in group conversations, how stubborn I am, I hated how full on I can be. I hate that I listened to other people, when someone tries to project their thoughts or what they dislike about me, I believed and hated.

Now, as I near 29, I am learning to love myself. I love my body and my un-perfect figure, my little ‘family belly’ passed down our family that never goes. I love my stretch marks. I don’t care about the size of my boobs anymore, I realise that only the shallowest of people will take notice and not see me for who I am. I love how short and small I am, I saved a small fortune buying a child’s pair of glasses and boots. I like being shy when I first meet people, I feel it leaves an air of mystery. I am learning that alcohol isnt the answer to most situations, in fact it will make them worse, I am slowly learning how to change my patterns of behaviour. I have accepted my previous mistakes that have come out of alcohol and raised my standards a hell of a lot, I have let go of the guilt that I have been holding on to. I know that its ok to be needy at times, I still hate crying in front of people but i am learning.  I accept that I am stubborn and being full on is just an outlet of excitement! As for what I say in conversations, who’s arsed though, really?! I no longer listen to other people’s thoughts, so what if you think I am boring, dress like a 60’s throw back or swear too much, keep your passive aggressive comments to yourself. I now know that these are the other persons issues, not my own, it is their ego talking.

I now realise that this is all in the past. In order to move on and live a happy, guilt free life, I need to accept both my achievements and failures. I need to understand that it is ok to fail, that I will fail on occasion but I will also succeed a lot more. I believe that everything happens for a reason, certain people come and go, some are a lesson and some a blessing. I am learning a lot about myself lately and I realise that the past few years have been a huge learning curve.

I am now happy with the way things are going. My confidence has had a serious boost, i am loving spending time alone, i love the mini challenges i have set for myself and i am loving actually reaching my little goals.

So now I have set myself two big challenges. Not only will I become a positive thinking person with bags of confidence, I will also do something I never thought possible, I will learn to love myself.

Psychic Encounter

psychic

Last year, I had the strangest shift ever. One of my patients turned out to be a ‘clairvoyant’. Now, I had always been curious about these so called gifted people but I wasn’t sold on them. After leaving this patient I was totally blown away.

It started like any normal job, until the lady asked to hold my hand. I figured out that she was worried or scared so offered some reassurance. She looked up at me with a sort of puzzled look and said ‘actually, you are quite a caring person’. This after she shouted at me for being too bossy whilst telling her to sit down and catch her breath. I didn’t really think this was strange, I am always getting shouted at by little old ladies. I thanked her for that back handed compliment as she kept hold of my hand and said that I am a very strong and determined person, when I want something I go at it with full force and usually get it. I was slightly freaked out at this point, so I quickly jumped out of the ambulance and in to the driver’s seat. As I drove to the hospital, I was trying to think if I knew her or where that comment could have possibly come from. We arrived at the hospital to the back of a now standard queue for A&E, for what I can only describe as two and a half hours of pure entertainment paired with an intense feeling of vulnerability.

She began about telling me about herself which I found amazing. Like how when she was a child she would see ‘dead children’ but had to stop mentioning it to her parents as it freaked them out. She would also refuse to do readings for anyone she got bad vibes from.

Then turned on to me..

‘Do you want to know what your problem is?’ This is a question no one wants to hear the answer to.. ‘You’re too stubborn, just like your mother’. Jesus, she must actually know me. This did make me, and my mum, laugh, this is a well-known trait of ours! Then she asked me what I had done with the three rings. I had no idea what she was on about. I told her I had never had one engagement ring let alone three, and then she hit me with some knowledge. I had missed out on the chance of three rings. I had missed out because I am too over powering and men can’t handle me. She also told me not to worry, as I will meet the right person and I will just know they are for me. I nearly passed out at this point, as for a few months I had been re-evaluating my life, wondering if I was ‘on the right path’ shall we say. I hadn’t spoken a word of my worries or fears to anyone, not even my closest friends, yet this stranger on my stretcher was practically reading my mind. In that instant, I felt like I was stood in a corridor full of people totally naked, I almost wanted to cover my bits. I don’t talk to people for this reason, I hate feeling vulnerable and not appearing strong. She then pointed to a ring given to me by my then partner, asking why it didn’t belong to me. When I explained that it did and where it had come from, she shook her head and just said no. She then told me that she could see a guy coming into my life, someone who made my heart beam. She said could see me as I was messaging him, with a massive smile on my face, her whole expression changed at this point, she actually looked made up for this future me while I stood there, still feeling naked with a surprised look. She did give me two names, well one and a shortened version, which I will keep to myself. I’m pretty sure i met him too, i just wish she had told me how short lived it would be, but hey, it certainly taught me a few things! I had to basically run away at this point to calm my beetroot face down, so I went for some air.

When I returned I sat down with my future reading friend. She looked at me, told me to turn my head and said ‘ooh yes, definitely go auburn, don’t go back to being blonde, red will suit your fiery personality anyway’. Again, my jaw hit the floor. Just a few hours earlier I had messaged my hairdresser saying I want to go ginger or blonde and had booked in for the next week. I was totally freaked out. She also began to tell me something but wouldn’t continue. She started to talk about ‘three something’. She looked slightly worried at this point and said she wouldn’t tell me as ‘with your fiery nature you will kill me’ but there will be three. It’s only now I think I realise what she was getting at, the three crazy events that happened last year. I’m glad she didn’t tell me, I wouldn’t have believed any of it but i wouldn’t have killed her, i don’t think She also told me that I would leave the ambulance service, something I wouldn’t have thought at the time but i would now welcome; years of nights and shift work have defeated me.

She left me alone at this point and started telling me things about people that walked past us. She pulled one nurse to one side, telling her that she will be an amazing mother. Another she pointed out she said ‘she’s a right goer, she is anyone’s when she has had a drink’ unbeknownst to her, the woman’s husband was next to us and overheard. Her poor hubby, when he mentioned this fact, she just said ‘no, you two aren’t right’. I was back to feeling fully clothed and like the stubborn, over powering individual I was again, thanks to other people’s shock looks.

Finally, it was time to handover the patient and head back to station. As I said goodbye to this woman that had just stripped off my layers for all to see, she made me promise her three things:

That I would:

  1. Kiss more
  2. Laugh more
  3. Be more affectionate

Since then, I have literally not stopped smiling or laughing, sometimes to the point of tears. I am learning to show people I like that I actually do like them and be more open about my feelings. I am even hugging people now, like WTF I am not a hugger. I have also thrown a few cheeky kisses in which haven’t been bad at all, apart from my date with the giraffe that is.