Tag Archives: past

Don’t be a Sheep

‘The one who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The one who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been before’

Albert Einstein

I love this quote. Even if it is just a made up one some freak has threw on the internet with ‘Berts name on it, It’s totally speaks to me and my beliefs.

I had always been drawn to vintage fashion and hairstyles but didn’t venture into trying them out until my late 20’s, as I always assumed I should follow the crowd and be normal. As time goes by, people realise that they don’t have to do what everyone else is doing, something that the rare few have been doing for years. Whether that’s in the way we style our clothes and hair, the music we listen to or the jobs we end up in, those routes are followed as that is what we think we should be doing.

One day I just seemed to wake up and realise that I wasn’t doing anything to make myself happy. I was shopping in the same places as everyone else, listening to music that didn’t speak to me at all, styling my hair like everyone else, all just to fit in. Now I don’t want to fit in, I don’t want to be a sheep, I want my own damn flock.

The ‘me’ from 10 years ago wouldn’t recognise me now. Not just in how my style has evolved but how I ended up in pin up modelling and even writing a blog. I have always wanted to be a writer, so my little blog is my way of cracking that one. I’m sure there will be a lot of people in the same position with their own quirky goals. It’s crazy how even one small change can alter the path that you wish to take and can transform you into a brand new person. Mine all started with a very different self-help book.. The life changing magic of not giving a f**k by Sarah Knight and I have never looked back. I frigging love self help books.

I was only able to have a go at the things my soul craved to do once I realised that I really don’t give a shit what other people think and I love to see people doing the same. No one should be put off doing what they enjoy, or be afraid to showcase their talents just because some random loser is too small minded to be happy for other people. When we are about to start a new business venture or hobby we all have those niggling doubts. In my head i questioned my blog..

What will people think?

Am I opening up too much? Being a private person I struggled with this one

Will anyone actually read it?

Can I even write?

Is there any point? 

Looking back this is all just the ego talking, through fear of being bruised. Since deciding to go for it, I have felt so much more creative and confident and as nice as it is to have people subscribe to my blog, I get a lot of happiness from knowing that I am making a start on becoming a writer. As for the future, I don’t know what I will write. I had toyed with the idea of pushing my modelling properly or being a pin up blogger but in truth, i’m sick of seeing my own face these days, it game me an awful point of view on my body and I certainly don’t want to be the type of woman that relies on looks/aesthetics to get by. Plus the effort that goes in to planning some shoots are just tiring, especially when your recuperating from a 60hr working week or a general night shift, the last thing I want to do is practice hair styles, poses, facial expressions or shop for outfits.

So I might just swerve the modelling, change my name to Luna Snowflake Rose and write a self-help book that wouldn’t even help you soak up a spilt glass of wine, let alone guide you through life. Any ideas for a decent spiritual or hippy name are more than welcome..

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My last post as a 20-something!

So next week I hit the fabulous milestone that is dirty 30. I would love to say that I have looked at it from a chilled prospective and haven’t freaked out..but that would make me a total liar. I had freaked out something fierce. I was doing amazing until someone mentioned that soon I will never be able to say I’m in my 20’s, ever again.

I am now post freak out, I haven’t changed my hair, career or country of residence, I thought I would get it out there what I have learnt and achieved so far, as, well..why the fuck not.

Here’s five things I have learnt in my 20’s..

  1. To be selfish with my time. Saying no to things you actually don’t want to do is quite an empowering experience, especially when you don’t make up some random excuse like your fish needs a bath. There is nothing wrong with turning down nights out in favour of a Netflix binge in your oldest pj’s. Just say no.
  2. I am not the centre of the universe; I am the centre of my own universe. This goes for other people too. There will always be people who think that the world revolves around them and will be offended if you even breathe in their company, leave them to it and look after your own energy. Create your own reality and be as quirky and extravagant as you want.
  3. Not all those close to you have your best interest at heart. This I learnt in my early 20’s. Some are only around for the gossip, some only acquaintances. When you’re younger you can have a massive friendship circle. This will slowly whittle down once you gain different interests or simply grow apart. You learn to recognise who you want to keep around, those who cheer you on, who don’t try to make you feel guilty for having a life, who you would trust with anything and those who understand your weird ways; even if you have known them for 5 years or 5 mins, keep the ones who know when to make you laugh.
  4. You can’t rely on anyone else to make you happy, true happiness comes from within. Learn to love yourself and the rest will follow. How can you expect other people to like you if you don’t like yourself? Embrace your faults and flaws; they are what make us all unique after all
  5. Its ok if you don’t know what you want to do in your life. I have only just realised what I want to do, yet I still constantly search for something different and exiting. Although I am closet geek and love learning new things. Or I get bored easy, who cares!

Usually people look back at a milestone and think that they haven’t achieved their goals when they should be looking at what they have achieved. I have achieved a hell of a lot personally, to some these may prove insignificant but to me, they are major achievements. I have gained my independence, moved to a brand new area and started again, tried pin up modelling and have been internationally published in two magazines, stood up in front of strangers and gave a 20 minute talk without literally shitting my pants, got on an airplane on my own and writing this blog. I still constantly freak out with every post being a very private person but I love writing and throwing what I am learning about life out there.

Mostly I am proud that I am not the same person I was when I was 20. That girl seems like a complete stranger for more reasons than I could begin to list and I couldn’t be happier. I mildly disliked my very early 20’s whilst my late 20’s have been amazing. I have learnt so much, mostly about myself. So I am now actually looking forward to what i will learn in my 30’s.

So instead of looking at your failures, embrace them as lessons and focus on what you are really proud of, even if society says you shouldn’t be..

There is nothing wrong if you get to thirty and haven’t bought your own house but can make a bloody good roast dinner.. that’s an achievement in its own right!

Six Months Later..


Exactly six months ago, I made the decision to completely pack my life up and relocate to a totally new area. An area to which I had only driven through on one or two occasions, my first time going was the day that I viewed my flat that I am in now before paying my deposit the very same day and I have never looked back.I have no idea why I chose this area. I had never even thought of it, I didn’t know my way around, I didn’t know one person around there and I had no family closer than a 30/40 minute drive away.

Six months on.. it remains one of the best decisions that I have ever made and today I have just signed a 12 month renewal contract.

I had a conversation with my mum before I moved about how I would be moving so far away from friends and that I would never see anyone, that didn’t change much as I hardly seen anyone anyway. I still see my lovely family as often as shift work will allow, constantly keep in touch on Facebook and I have since found a few mates nearby.

I am finally getting my space the way I like it, with a few retro vibes and quirky bits on the wall and I’m planning to collect lots more vintage goodies,  including a gold hostess trolley if anyone has one going free?!

I won’t lie, it hasn’t all been easy, it is hard even being good with money occasionally. All of my bills shot up. I have managed to ween myself off stupid EBay buys (With the exception of vintage prizes of course) and I am being strict at where I shop, trying not to be lazy by going to Tesco and going to a cheaper shop instead. I have my monthly outgoings tick list planning my life but this is the first time in years that I haven’t gone over my overdraft. All things considered, I don’t mind on missing out on nights out, party’s or a new vintage dress, I’m more than happy that my money is going into my flat.

Last time I lived alone after eventually kicking one charming man out, I managed around 5 months and it was nearly as much hell as the relationship that ended. I was constantly bailed out as I was horrendous with money; I lost nearly 2 stone after not being able to afford food due to drinking myself into near oblivion with cheap, sweaty boxes of wine, all thanks to my confidence and head being totally fucked up from said charming man. 7 years later and all of that seems like someone else’s story, one that I will never repeat. Lesson most certainly learnt.

I have so many people comment that I should just move back home or get a lodger in so that I can go to university or save up for a mortgage. As nice as achieving both of those would be, I am not planning on moving or moving anyone in with me in the near future. I love having my independence, not putting pressure on myself to save for a mortgage and not sitting in my bedroom every night. I will do it my own way, my mum managed going to University as a single parent with me and my brother for children, so it should be an absolute breeze for me!

One day, I will own my own house, preferably in the Lake District, have 12 Springer Spaniels, some Silkie chickens, I will have grown my first successful strawberry plant and I will have completed my Paramedic course. Until then I am living the life that I want to live, with the people I care about most in it and i absolutely love it. That in its self is a luxury that many don’t have and I know how lucky I am to have it.

So to anyone that always dreams of starting again, whether it’s a new job or total lifestyle change, make that first step. It’s scary, hard work and you will learn a hell of a lot about yourself but in the end it may be everything that you could have hoped for and more. That’s the scary part.

A few words to my younger self..

If I could write a letter to my younger self, it would go something like this..

OI YOU LITTLE BITCH!..

Just kidding..


-always remember to smile

-You are always good enough.. never listen to the few idiots who try to make you feel less of a person, they are projecting their own issues on you, and they are also arseholes.

-your mum is always right, apart from thinking you like eggs, she won’t remember this until you hit 28 and by that time you won’t actually mind them

-you will loose that ‘puppy fat’ and when you look back, you will realise you were never really fat anyway!

-get rid of the negative influences in your life sooner rather than later

-when you get that first working pay check, for god sake stay away from new look!

-coming second is a big achievement..especially when it’s to someone who is just as creative and ridiculously talented, it’s something to be proud of, nothing to be embarrassed of.

-it’s ok to cry & show emotion, it’s totally ok to ‘cry like a girl’ as you bloody are one!

-what ever you do, do not let that dinner lady force you to eat cauliflower cheese..it doesn’t end well

-be yourself, don’t be so shy and embarrassed. There is nothing wrong with standing out from the crowd.

-everything will make sense in a few years, all of those gut feelings and niggling thoughts will make sense

-massive hoop earrings are a major faux par 

-as is pulling your socks over your finest Lacoste tracky pants 

-you will find your place one day, no more longing of a place to fit in, you will finally find the right fashion sense through vintage everything!

-that empty space you feel that needs filling, will become whole once you start to love yourself ❤

-stop ironing your hair immediately, one day you will want those curls back

-it’s ok not to have a plan, you don’t have to go to uni or college straight away, enjoy being young and free!

And last but not least..

DONT RUN IN CLOGGS YOU DAFT COW!!

The difference a year can make


Exactly a year ago today,  I was sat on my mates couch drinking vodka, getting ready to pack my life into bin bags, move back home and start all over again.

Fast forward a year, I’m sat on a beach looking out to sea and listening to the waves crashing on the rocks. 

A lot has changed over the past year,  not only my situation but my whole mind set. I’m much more positive, confident and I seem to be spilling my emotional beans all over the place, something I never thought I’d be able to do. Since doing so,not only have I changed but people’s attitudes towards me have changed. I seem to be meeting people with the exact same thinking as me and I have been given some amazing opportunities so I have a lot more to get exited about this year.

I’ve learnt how to be on my own again and to enjoy my own company, I’ve also got my creative side back and haven’t stopped laughing for the past few months, especially at the most random things!

The last few days I have spent with my beautifully bonkers friend at her home in Spain and have had an absolute ball, just what I needed. Not only did I totally conquer my fear of flying and flown completely alone (anxiety free) but I went on a bar crawl and ended up spray painted as a giraffe/zebra style thing. Both things I never thought I would do, especially in Magaluf!!

Tomorrow I will be spending my last few hours drifting about in the sea and jumping over waves again before I head back to reality, straight in to work.. but that doesn’t bother me i the slightest. I couldn’t be happier than I am right now ❤

Although all this positivity may change tomorrow..as someone forgot to put sun cream on their face and it’s been around 100 degrees today!

Decorate your soul

flowers

Since my latest epiphany, that I need to start loving myself, I realised one other thing..i have no idea where to start. I have hardly ever liked myself and now I am expected to try this love stuff out, Jesus! Obviously I defaulted to my usual trait of making a list, but not before doing some googling and deep thinking. So here is my own idea of how I think I need to approach this change;

  1. Let go of the guilt and hatred for yourself for past mistakes, don’t be critical of yourself, other people do that enough, learn from your lessons
  2. Date yourself – go to the movies, to a nice restaurant, buy yourself flowers, treat yourself how you would want to be treated on a date
  3. Travel somewhere alone – to a place you have never been before
  4. Pamper yourself – go for that massage, use bath bombs, face masks, do your hair & make up
  5. Write yourself a letter- about your achievements, what you are proud of, the qualities that people never see, your quirks, your naughty habits, write what you need to hear
  6. Make time for a new hobby – read up on something you are interested in
  7. Learn to be vulnerable with the people you care about
  8. Look at yourself from someone else’s perspective
  9. Celebrate yourself, be kind to yourself, don’t rely on anyone else for your happiness
  10. Learn to love your edges and flaws – no one is perfect, why would you accept someone else’s imperfections and not your own?

My note book will be busy these next few weeks, not only will I be writing myself this so called ‘letter of love’ but I fully intend to get to know myself. My hopes, dreams, fears, achievements, strengths and weaknesses. You would think that you know yourself as we all spend that much time in our own heads but it is usually thinking of other people; how they feel, what they want, if you are doing right by others. It is only when you sit down with that pen and paper do you start to figure out who you are. I know that there will be a lot more ways to learn to love yourself, so I am open to more ideas!

Learn to love yourself

‘You cannot be lonely if you like the person your alone with’ Wayne Dyer

love yourself

After a particularly emotional week, full of guilt, tears and one of the worst possible jobs you can attend whilst working for an ambulance service, I have had my eyes opened. It is time for yet another change; I am going to embrace being a spiritual thinking little soul.

Since I was a teenager, I have always felt like there was a part of me missing, that feeling of always needing to find something or someone to complete me. I always thought that it was a specific issue that left me feeling this way. Even once that issue was resolved, the lost feeling didn’t leave. I tried to fill it with relationships, alcohol, fashion, shopping and friends and it would work for a while. I have always been looking or searching for something that was right inside me all along; its not another person i need to fill the lost, empty feeling i have, I just needed to find myself. I realise that I need to learn to accept my past mistakes, let go of them and move on. After all they have led me right now; they have contributed to the person that I am today. I need to learn to love myself. After all how can you expect anyone else to love you if you don’t love yourself?

I have really struggled in the past. I have hated myself for various reasons. I hated my body, my stomach, that I was chunky as a teenager, my angry red stretchmarks, then I hated my shiny silver ones, I hated that I had such big boobs for such a small person, I hated that this was what people tended to notice about me, I hated how shy I was, how short I was, how drunk I get, the person that drink turns me into, hated how promiscuous I have been in the past, I hated how I felt needy and emotional, hated myself if I cried in front of anyone, I hated that I couldn’t stand up for myself, that I usually say the wrong thing in group conversations, how stubborn I am, I hated how full on I can be. I hate that I listened to other people, when someone tries to project their thoughts or what they dislike about me, I believed and hated.

Now, as I near 29, I am learning to love myself. I love my body and my un-perfect figure, my little ‘family belly’ passed down our family that never goes. I love my stretch marks. I don’t care about the size of my boobs anymore, I realise that only the shallowest of people will take notice and not see me for who I am. I love how short and small I am, I saved a small fortune buying a child’s pair of glasses and boots. I like being shy when I first meet people, I feel it leaves an air of mystery. I am learning that alcohol isnt the answer to most situations, in fact it will make them worse, I am slowly learning how to change my patterns of behaviour. I have accepted my previous mistakes that have come out of alcohol and raised my standards a hell of a lot, I have let go of the guilt that I have been holding on to. I know that its ok to be needy at times, I still hate crying in front of people but i am learning.  I accept that I am stubborn and being full on is just an outlet of excitement! As for what I say in conversations, who’s arsed though, really?! I no longer listen to other people’s thoughts, so what if you think I am boring, dress like a 60’s throw back or swear too much, keep your passive aggressive comments to yourself. I now know that these are the other persons issues, not my own, it is their ego talking.

I now realise that this is all in the past. In order to move on and live a happy, guilt free life, I need to accept both my achievements and failures. I need to understand that it is ok to fail, that I will fail on occasion but I will also succeed a lot more. I believe that everything happens for a reason, certain people come and go, some are a lesson and some a blessing. I am learning a lot about myself lately and I realise that the past few years have been a huge learning curve.

I am now happy with the way things are going. My confidence has had a serious boost, i am loving spending time alone, i love the mini challenges i have set for myself and i am loving actually reaching my little goals.

So now I have set myself two big challenges. Not only will I become a positive thinking person with bags of confidence, I will also do something I never thought possible, I will learn to love myself.

Psychic Encounter

psychic

Last year, I had the strangest shift ever. One of my patients turned out to be a ‘clairvoyant’. Now, I had always been curious about these so called gifted people but I wasn’t sold on them. After leaving this patient I was totally blown away.

It started like any normal job, until the lady asked to hold my hand. I figured out that she was worried or scared so offered some reassurance. She looked up at me with a sort of puzzled look and said ‘actually, you are quite a caring person’. This after she shouted at me for being too bossy whilst telling her to sit down and catch her breath. I didn’t really think this was strange, I am always getting shouted at by little old ladies. I thanked her for that back handed compliment as she kept hold of my hand and said that I am a very strong and determined person, when I want something I go at it with full force and usually get it. I was slightly freaked out at this point, so I quickly jumped out of the ambulance and in to the driver’s seat. As I drove to the hospital, I was trying to think if I knew her or where that comment could have possibly come from. We arrived at the hospital to the back of a now standard queue for A&E, for what I can only describe as two and a half hours of pure entertainment paired with an intense feeling of vulnerability.

She began about telling me about herself which I found amazing. Like how when she was a child she would see ‘dead children’ but had to stop mentioning it to her parents as it freaked them out. She would also refuse to do readings for anyone she got bad vibes from.

Then turned on to me..

‘Do you want to know what your problem is?’ This is a question no one wants to hear the answer to.. ‘You’re too stubborn, just like your mother’. Jesus, she must actually know me. This did make me, and my mum, laugh, this is a well-known trait of ours! Then she asked me what I had done with the three rings. I had no idea what she was on about. I told her I had never had one engagement ring let alone three, and then she hit me with some knowledge. I had missed out on the chance of three rings. I had missed out because I am too over powering and men can’t handle me. She also told me not to worry, as I will meet the right person and I will just know they are for me. I nearly passed out at this point, as for a few months I had been re-evaluating my life, wondering if I was ‘on the right path’ shall we say. I hadn’t spoken a word of my worries or fears to anyone, not even my closest friends, yet this stranger on my stretcher was practically reading my mind. In that instant, I felt like I was stood in a corridor full of people totally naked, I almost wanted to cover my bits. I don’t talk to people for this reason, I hate feeling vulnerable and not appearing strong. She then pointed to a ring given to me by my then partner, asking why it didn’t belong to me. When I explained that it did and where it had come from, she shook her head and just said no. She then told me that she could see a guy coming into my life, someone who made my heart beam. She said could see me as I was messaging him, with a massive smile on my face, her whole expression changed at this point, she actually looked made up for this future me while I stood there, still feeling naked with a surprised look. She did give me two names, well one and a shortened version, which I will keep to myself. I’m pretty sure i met him too, i just wish she had told me how short lived it would be, but hey, it certainly taught me a few things! I had to basically run away at this point to calm my beetroot face down, so I went for some air.

When I returned I sat down with my future reading friend. She looked at me, told me to turn my head and said ‘ooh yes, definitely go auburn, don’t go back to being blonde, red will suit your fiery personality anyway’. Again, my jaw hit the floor. Just a few hours earlier I had messaged my hairdresser saying I want to go ginger or blonde and had booked in for the next week. I was totally freaked out. She also began to tell me something but wouldn’t continue. She started to talk about ‘three something’. She looked slightly worried at this point and said she wouldn’t tell me as ‘with your fiery nature you will kill me’ but there will be three. It’s only now I think I realise what she was getting at, the three crazy events that happened last year. I’m glad she didn’t tell me, I wouldn’t have believed any of it but i wouldn’t have killed her, i don’t think She also told me that I would leave the ambulance service, something I wouldn’t have thought at the time but i would now welcome; years of nights and shift work have defeated me.

She left me alone at this point and started telling me things about people that walked past us. She pulled one nurse to one side, telling her that she will be an amazing mother. Another she pointed out she said ‘she’s a right goer, she is anyone’s when she has had a drink’ unbeknownst to her, the woman’s husband was next to us and overheard. Her poor hubby, when he mentioned this fact, she just said ‘no, you two aren’t right’. I was back to feeling fully clothed and like the stubborn, over powering individual I was again, thanks to other people’s shock looks.

Finally, it was time to handover the patient and head back to station. As I said goodbye to this woman that had just stripped off my layers for all to see, she made me promise her three things:

That I would:

  1. Kiss more
  2. Laugh more
  3. Be more affectionate

Since then, I have literally not stopped smiling or laughing, sometimes to the point of tears. I am learning to show people I like that I actually do like them and be more open about my feelings. I am even hugging people now, like WTF I am not a hugger. I have also thrown a few cheeky kisses in which haven’t been bad at all, apart from my date with the giraffe that is.