I have never really looked at myself as an introvert or an extrovert, I’m not the kind of person who wants to be categorized, where’s the fun in that?!
I seem to go through phases of being either extremely sociable for a few weeks then I go to the opposite end of the scale to the point where I go full on recluse mode. Take the past few months for example. I found myself single for the first time in years and back living with the rents, sat in my room most nights. So I hit my sociable phase. I started going out most nights, either on dates or catching up with mates, drinking out of boredom or to help me sleep. Mix that up with Christmas festivities and shift work in between, come January I was shattered. I had no space to escape or place to call my own. I had organized a surprise weekend away for my mum’s birthday with the whole family in the Lake District and while it was an amazing weekend, I was drained by the second night and in bed early. Although I am sure that flapping that the surprise would be ruined, trying to sort things out for the big move and drinking way too much only added to matters. It was nothing a walk on the mountain and a little hot tub and sauna session couldn’t sort out.
I don’t like being the centre of attention, yet I want to stand out from everyone else and look different. I love to get ridiculously dolled up in vintage styles, thus drawing it to myself. I love big, BIG 60’s hair, victory rolls, wiggle dresses, 50’s tea dresses, mini mod dresses and lashings of lack eyeliner and red lipstick. The joy I get when a good pin curl set brushes out and sets like a dream cannot be put into words. That’s the only time I miss living with anyone, there is no one around to appreciate my masterpiece hair but thankfully my mum has Whatsapp!
I am sometimes shy around new people and tend to stay quiet in group conversations. I prefer to listen to what everyone else has to say first and get to know people before I can chirp in; even then I’m still quite reserved, which is another reason for writing this blog! Then I will meet a certain type of person; one that I immediately feel comfortable with and unleash my unusual, witty and chatty side and I have no guilt. Those thoughts after conversations where normally I would wonder if I came across weird, if I slipped up and said something too personal about myself or could have offended in anyway are none existent. Actually, all of those things add to the conversation! I am now learning not to answer the ‘what have you been up to?’ question with ‘nothing much’ and sounding like a boring cow that sits at home every night in the dark. I hated talking about myself. I suppose that’s why I can talk to patients in work; I am usually asking the questions. I do however think that most of these behaviors have been learnt, from trusting the wrong people and having private things broadcast like the latest gossip to the looks I get when I make a comment on a situation where I have let my ‘whatever you do, don’t say that’ filter slip; maybe Maybe i am a closet extrovert?! I actually don’t care what others think of me, I dress how I like, I don’t care if I piss anyone off and I will unleash my weird side, well with selective people of course, I wouldn’t want to be slapped on a 28 day ‘holiday’. Time to start selling myself (in a non-prostitute kind of way) and get out of this introvert/extrovert closet my lack of confidence has created.
Since making these small changes, avoiding negativity and becoming more confident in myself, I have made some amazing friends, some of which were right in front of me the whole time. After my pretty crappy year, a few of my work colleagues have been amazing, especially with loads of good advice that had helped no end, I have reconnected with old friends who actually knew me a lot more than I thought and people with the same interests and views have appeared in my life. No more drama llama’s or mood hoover’s in my life, PREACH!