Tag Archives: happy

Confidence..

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This is a subject I have written about on a few occasions, mostly documenting my experiences as I decided to grow it but mostly as i love confidence and the idea that it can constantly be improved on. What made me see that I needed to gain confidence? I believe it was becoming single after a long term relationship. Having that time alone to evaluate where I was going next in life, I realised that I had never really pushed myself out of my comfort zone, there started my little mission.

I pushed myself into situations that I never thought I would be able to do, the modelling, public speaking, starting this blog, going for a full meal alone, finally getting the balls to go to a gym class and even wearing my hair in vintage styles for work. Whilst some of these might seem small to some, they were massive milestones to me. I had always thought of myself as someone who ‘doesn’t give a fuck’ what others think, I clearly did.

I personally think confidence is the key to success. One small boost can change your whole day and outlook. It is something that we all have inside of us, if we choose not to listen to our inner critic that seems to shout that we can’t do something.

You can’t do that for a career

You can’t have your hair like that

You can’t wear that top

You can’t sing/dance/paint etc.

We are our own worst enemy and while we sit back and criticise ourselves for what other people may think, do or say about what truly makes us happy..those people we are worrying about are actually getting on with their own lives. This seems to be the case as we start getting a little bit older and (hopefully) wiser, our goals and aspirations start to change and we fear what others might think. On a personal note, I used to always think about other people’s views on my career. Those people who only knew me as a party girl and a total mess, I always thought they would judge my ability to do my job. Now I couldn’t care less what they think as I am not that person anymore and those days of being a mess and ruining my life 5 days of the week are thankfully long gone. As you evolve as a person, you start to attract and create new friendships, ones that compliment and mold with your new personality and are on your wave length.

I love seeing how people change over time and become more confident in themselves or starting little business ventures. Everyone is becoming a lot more open to the possibilities out there or creating them and are more accepting of people being ‘different’ or ‘weird’. It’s so much better to embrace what makes us all unique than to turn into the idealistic and unrealistic model that society seems to create.

Ignore that inner voice, push yourself into the unknown and get a little boost of confidence. Do that course, learn how to yodel, go to that convention, wear those embarrassing shoes that you think are cool. Don’t live your life for everyone else, or yours might just pass you by quicker than you expect.

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One year on..

This time last year, I posted my first blog post.

My initial idea to start a blog was to explore my creative side which I felt had randomly awakened after years of being repressed. Although I have always felt creative or ‘arty’, I had never followed through with a project. I had bought countless materials, tools and thought of loads of business ideas as well as putting hours into practicing crafts, only to freak out at the last minute at the prospect of showing the world. So instead of trying, I would quit while I was ahead, so not to prove the niggling doubts that I will always be a failure, right.

When I started it, I had felt like I had only just begun to live for myself. In the past I had always tried to follow the crowd and ‘conform’ to what I thought people needed or wanted me to be, always thinking that it was other people or material things that make you happy. Finally, at the age of 28, I had realised that this wasn’t the case. I have to create my own happiness.

So, I ran away with my blog doing something that I had never even imagined possible for me, spilling my thoughts out in to the world. As someone who prides themselves on being a painfully private person who doesn’t like to show my emotions, it proved a lot harder than I thought. I loved writing and could feel my writing style improving but felt I had to try hard to come up with something witty or funny to write. Even though they pretty much wrote themselves, especially after some of the horrendous dates I went on (thanks Tinder).

At first, I thought it was amazing having people tell me how great it was and that they could relate to my posts. Then the niggling doubt of failing came along and I just stopped writing. My last post was a modelling one in January, a last ditch attempt at trying to revamp myself.

Months later, after going through what I can only describe as a ‘rough patch’, I have come to the realisation that I don’t actually have to reinvent myself. I can be whoever the hell I want to be.

The past few months have been hard work. I have gone from having my confidence at an all-time high to the complete opposite, without knowing why. I had gone from feeling completely high on life to crying every other night for no reason whatsoever, back to isolating myself from the world. I had reached the point of burn out.

Its only now, after months of what I’d call ‘soul work’ that I realise that I was putting too much pressure on myself. Pressure to excel as a pin up model, perfect the model craft, be good at my job, get on a paramedic course, save up to buy a house, pressure to look a certain way, to act appropriately and to completely change as a person. All of which is not me at all.

I had to go through a dark period of beating myself up again, feeling guilty for past mistakes and believing that I would prove someone right, that I wouldn’t amount to anything and I would be a total failure. I had burnt myself out trying to prove that wasn’t the case. I should have just listened to my mum.

It took me several emotional lonely red wine breakdowns and pouring my heart out to my mate after a night out whilst inhaling my mackys (classy bird) to realise that I had no idea what I was doing anymore and I needed to do something. So I hit default, a few days later whilst in work i rang my mum and had a 20 min chat that has possibly changed everything around. She had noticed how I had changed, that I had stopped being positive, quirky, going on random walks and back to eating total shite and suggested what I needed to do. Sort myself out.

So over the past two months I have slowly made changes in every aspect of my life. I spilled my life out to a total stranger, had several epiphanies, opened up to the few people I trust, started meditation again, yoga and I have started to change my diet. I’m now back to feeling absolutely amazing again, that person I have been over the past few months seems like some total freak, a stranger.

This is something I have wanted to write for ages. Why should people only talk about their high points in life? Social media is full of people pretending everything is perfect,  posting filtered selfies and filtered lives, when in reality we have all struggled at some point.

The bad parts to this little awakening I have had are that I now have no tolerance for certain types of people, mainly the energy vampires and mood hoovers. I have also thrown half the contents of my flat out as it no longer serves me, I can’t stand watching the news, I’m obsessed with vegan documentaries and after not having dairy for a few weeks, I now have an intolerance to it. Which I learnt after I decided to swerve my herbal tea in favour of a normal brew, not the best idea in work!

So my blog might take a different turn now. Expect spirituality, positivity (unless im on a night shift) and attacks of confidence but i’m sure I will still encounter the odd dickhead who deserves a post, after the caliber of freaks I have attracted in the past. If all else fails, I’ll get back on tinder for some more ‘market research’.. the things you have to do for a decent post!!

October Goals..

The trees are about to show us how lovely it can be to let the dead things go..

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I bloody love October and everything about Autumn. The colours of the changing leaves, the chill in the air and chunky boots but most of all, I love that I can finally dig out my skirts and tights! I must be part of the minority that has more skirts for winter than I do for summer.

So with it being the 1st today, I’m starting a fresh. I haven’t done any form of writing for weeks, not just on my blog but any writing in general. Over the past few months I have been scribbling in a note book constantly, trying to think of ideas for books, blogs or short stories but I have totally lacked inspiration. Today, that has changed.

I woke up this morning like a new woman. Hangover free and ready for change.

I have set a few little goals for October and I intend to hit every one of them..

  1. Spend more time in nature – either head up to the lakes or wander around the park
  2. Spend less time worrying about what people say/think
  3. Get back to modelling shoots – I only stopped due to number 2..
  4. Start writing again
  5. Do more things that feed my soul and make me not want to spend so much time on my phone
  6. Stop thinking about work on my days off and essentially work on having a life separate from my day job, my job doesn’t define me as a person
  7. Learn to say who I am without using age, occupation or gender but as a person
  8. Forgive myself for previous mistakes or failures – we all make them!

These might seem like crap/small goals to some but to others they will see the importance of setting and reaching them. I see them as a method of self-improvement and to help me get back to being my authentic self, not the ideal created by what others say or think that I should do. I am now a firm believer in relying on the one person that I know can create peace and happiness in my life, that’s myself. So far this year I have realised that I don’t need to depend on anyone else to make me happy but those that come in to my life and make me smile or laugh are a total blessing.

I also said above that i love all things about Autumn but that may be a slight lie..the one thing i cant stand is this obsession with pumpkin spice latte’s, nothing good can come of this. Give me a baileys hot chocolate any day 🙂

Why I Refuse To Be A Blogging Stereotype! A Guest Post By LOVE HAYLEY BETH

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When you join the facebook support groups you are told your Instagram must have a theme, that you have to fit in a box or your readers will get confused. That if you are a beauty blogger you can forget about writing about a nice restaurant you went to and if you do someone will say well I believe they call it lifestyle blogging as though it is a lower form of blog.
Well, I say NO!
 
Why should all of my photos be the same shade of pink? If I want to take a picture of a burger one day and a swan the next, quite frankly I will! Really how is blocking my creativity healthy?
My blog is also an extension of me and I like more than one thing, so let’s face it I am going to write more than one thing! I like perfume but I also have anxiety is it so wrong that I write about the both of them or that some times I want to introduce you to an awesome business?
But the one thing I point blank refuse to write about is how to blog or how to monetise your blog. Yes, these blogs are incredibly helpful when it comes to understanding Instagram algorithms and how to use plug ins on WordPress but not every blogger needs to be writing these posts. Right now the internet is oversaturated with these posts just recycling the same information over and over again. It is unnecessary.
I worry for new bloggers who enter this world all doe eyed and fresh reading these post filling them with misconceptions and expectation that quite frankly it will scare them off!
Be you. Write you. But most of all just write what makes you happy!

Six Months Later..


Exactly six months ago, I made the decision to completely pack my life up and relocate to a totally new area. An area to which I had only driven through on one or two occasions, my first time going was the day that I viewed my flat that I am in now before paying my deposit the very same day and I have never looked back.I have no idea why I chose this area. I had never even thought of it, I didn’t know my way around, I didn’t know one person around there and I had no family closer than a 30/40 minute drive away.

Six months on.. it remains one of the best decisions that I have ever made and today I have just signed a 12 month renewal contract.

I had a conversation with my mum before I moved about how I would be moving so far away from friends and that I would never see anyone, that didn’t change much as I hardly seen anyone anyway. I still see my lovely family as often as shift work will allow, constantly keep in touch on Facebook and I have since found a few mates nearby.

I am finally getting my space the way I like it, with a few retro vibes and quirky bits on the wall and I’m planning to collect lots more vintage goodies,  including a gold hostess trolley if anyone has one going free?!

I won’t lie, it hasn’t all been easy, it is hard even being good with money occasionally. All of my bills shot up. I have managed to ween myself off stupid EBay buys (With the exception of vintage prizes of course) and I am being strict at where I shop, trying not to be lazy by going to Tesco and going to a cheaper shop instead. I have my monthly outgoings tick list planning my life but this is the first time in years that I haven’t gone over my overdraft. All things considered, I don’t mind on missing out on nights out, party’s or a new vintage dress, I’m more than happy that my money is going into my flat.

Last time I lived alone after eventually kicking one charming man out, I managed around 5 months and it was nearly as much hell as the relationship that ended. I was constantly bailed out as I was horrendous with money; I lost nearly 2 stone after not being able to afford food due to drinking myself into near oblivion with cheap, sweaty boxes of wine, all thanks to my confidence and head being totally fucked up from said charming man. 7 years later and all of that seems like someone else’s story, one that I will never repeat. Lesson most certainly learnt.

I have so many people comment that I should just move back home or get a lodger in so that I can go to university or save up for a mortgage. As nice as achieving both of those would be, I am not planning on moving or moving anyone in with me in the near future. I love having my independence, not putting pressure on myself to save for a mortgage and not sitting in my bedroom every night. I will do it my own way, my mum managed going to University as a single parent with me and my brother for children, so it should be an absolute breeze for me!

One day, I will own my own house, preferably in the Lake District, have 12 Springer Spaniels, some Silkie chickens, I will have grown my first successful strawberry plant and I will have completed my Paramedic course. Until then I am living the life that I want to live, with the people I care about most in it and i absolutely love it. That in its self is a luxury that many don’t have and I know how lucky I am to have it.

So to anyone that always dreams of starting again, whether it’s a new job or total lifestyle change, make that first step. It’s scary, hard work and you will learn a hell of a lot about yourself but in the end it may be everything that you could have hoped for and more. That’s the scary part.

Back on track

I have done it!! I am finally back on track after a mini freak out that i am nearly 30 and hitting a minor midlife crisis. I have spent the past few weeks stuck in my own head, surrounded by my own thoughts of self-doubt and negativity yet again. For some reason, I kept falling back in to the thought that I hadn’t achieved anything with my life and never will. I felt that i had been living someone else’s life, an older life again. I debated moving again, applying for new jobs miles away, changing my career and basically wanted to run away and start from scratch again. So I decided all I needed was a night out to escape. I ended up having more than a few nights out, in fact, I have had more hangovers this past 3 weeks than I have in the past few months.

My last hangover has lasted a strong four days but was totally worth it, I had my first girl’s night out in years, I had such a laugh and my body is aching from so much dancing. This hangover made me realise that I need to stop hovering over the self-destruct button and stop wanting to run away. After speaking to a friend who has always achieved so much in such a short period of time, it made me realise, that could easily be me if I tried.

So, these are my first few days off that I will remain sober in ages and I can’t wait to be hangover free tomorrow. I had initially planned to stay in, bake some sort of banana invention, throw on a face mask, have an aromatherapy bath and start writing again. So far I have only managed to sit down to write and throw on a face mask. In my defense, I hate baking and only own a whisk!

Tomorrows plan will be one of getting back to nourishing myself and my little palace:

  • Gym to get rid of my bourbon filled belly
  • Treating myself to a shiny old vinyl record
  • Sorting my flat out
  • Heading the tip to bin the rest of my issues
  • Pamper myself back to an acceptable appearance
  • Debate baking a banana bread all day before totally refusing to give in to becoming a girl
  • More writing and making art for my walls

I have made a few small changes such as being back on my positive thinking wave length, getting rid of some hangers on who shouldn’t be in my life, I am writing again, meditating and reading and I have decided to stop putting myself down, I know i am in the exact place in life that I want to be. I have just signed a 12 month lease on my flat and decided I need to focus on my career again; I am becoming more proactive finally. It’s time to stop making lists about what I want in life and time to start believing that I can actually achieve my goals. Even though I will continue to make lists of everything, I bloody love making a list.

Festival Fun

I have just rolled in from a weekend of attempting to be a festival bunny, stinking to high heaven after abusing baby wipes, eating cold beans, curry and burgers for breakfast.

Last year, Kendal Calling was my first ever festival and it was amazing, the sun was shining, it didn’t rain once and nearly every act we saw was unbelievable. This year was a tad different. Instead of being woken up by the smell of bacon and birds tweeting, we were woken by rain battering our tent, something that we had been totally prepared for, not so much for the mud.

It was so damn thick, yet managed to outsmart us. We thought this year, we would be crafty and pay for a pre erected tent to save our little arms carrying everything, since last time we all had arms like Mr Tickle; the mud had other ideas. It took us forever to find our tent, we nearly lost our wellies getting stuck in the mud and we all had burning calves after the trek through the depths of churned up fields that smelt pretty suspect too.

Nothing a few drinks couldn’t solve! So we made a little funnel out of tin foil and decanted our Bourbon into two Capri Sun pouches, shoved them down our pants and skipped off to wade through the slop again. The first night was a slight blare.. We listened to some cool music, hit the fair, the silent disco and maybe the Glow Tent..my mind goes very, VERY hazy midway through the silent disco, after changing my headphones four times because ‘they were broken’. It was clearly me that was broken, I was a hot mess. On the mission back to the tent, myself and my friend ended up losing each other and wandering into the wrong field, I fell into 3, maybe 4 tents, fell over numerous tent ropes and caked myself in mud, before randomly bumping into my mate in the wrong field again.

This pretty sums up the whole weekend as we proceeded to burn a hole in our lovely rented tent, ended up sleeping on the floor thanks to some awesome blow up beds, wrapped up in foil blankets, heard a couple having some pretty uninspiring sex (or struggling to pack their tent up) and spent the whole last day speaking in an Australian Accent. I have never said the word ‘Salamander’ so much in my life. I don’t even really know what a salamander is, although I do know that it is not in fact, a baby dragon.

Although I absolutely loved the weekend as it was spent with two absolutely bonkers ladies that make me howl, it has made me realise I may be getting to old for this camping malarkey, even though I’m only 29!

I used to love a good four day bender, camping and not having to wash my hair for any long period of time, now I would rather the opposite! The post-camping smell is totally soul destroying, I can’t cope with sleeping for less than 6 hours a weekend and I bloody love a pair of slippers, a festival no-no. So next year, we are going to do it properly and make our own festival!

It wasn’t all bad, some serious life lessons have been learnt..

  1. Putting a gas camping stove on the ground sheet of a tent will result in a serious hole in the floor
  2. The truth about Dolphins
  3. The smell of a festival toilet never really leaves you
  4. Capri Sun pouches are an alcohol smugglers dream
  5. Don’t let Kayleigh drive shot gun, unless you like having perforated eardrums or listening to the ‘Miley Cyrus’
  6. My Australian accent is borderline offensive.

A few words to my younger self..

If I could write a letter to my younger self, it would go something like this..

OI YOU LITTLE BITCH!..

Just kidding..


-always remember to smile

-You are always good enough.. never listen to the few idiots who try to make you feel less of a person, they are projecting their own issues on you, and they are also arseholes.

-your mum is always right, apart from thinking you like eggs, she won’t remember this until you hit 28 and by that time you won’t actually mind them

-you will loose that ‘puppy fat’ and when you look back, you will realise you were never really fat anyway!

-get rid of the negative influences in your life sooner rather than later

-when you get that first working pay check, for god sake stay away from new look!

-coming second is a big achievement..especially when it’s to someone who is just as creative and ridiculously talented, it’s something to be proud of, nothing to be embarrassed of.

-it’s ok to cry & show emotion, it’s totally ok to ‘cry like a girl’ as you bloody are one!

-what ever you do, do not let that dinner lady force you to eat cauliflower cheese..it doesn’t end well

-be yourself, don’t be so shy and embarrassed. There is nothing wrong with standing out from the crowd.

-everything will make sense in a few years, all of those gut feelings and niggling thoughts will make sense

-massive hoop earrings are a major faux par 

-as is pulling your socks over your finest Lacoste tracky pants 

-you will find your place one day, no more longing of a place to fit in, you will finally find the right fashion sense through vintage everything!

-that empty space you feel that needs filling, will become whole once you start to love yourself ❤

-stop ironing your hair immediately, one day you will want those curls back

-it’s ok not to have a plan, you don’t have to go to uni or college straight away, enjoy being young and free!

And last but not least..

DONT RUN IN CLOGGS YOU DAFT COW!!

Monday vibes

Over the past few weeks I have let my creative side take a back seat, well with the exception of modelling. Last month I went out and bought a load or canvases, paint, oil/chalk pastels and decided to sit down and get the better side of messy. I painted one, done the background of two, then left those to one side to gather dust in my little arty corner surrounded by fabric slices and a glue gun.

Over the weekend, I was absolutely worn out, I have pushed myself too far over the past few weeks to the point of being ill and burnt out. I actually left a family party at midnight due to being that exhausted. I’m usually the first to be drunk and the last one to leave but I just couldn’t function, even after having several beers I couldn’t wake up. The next morning I woke up shattered. Had a full English with the rents and headed home. It’s taken it’s toll so much that I actually looked like a bag of boiled shite that had been set a lite and stamped on.

So I decided to do something I hadn’t done for ages..chill my beans.

I sat in my little crib, drank herbal tea and ate so much cake. I managed to do a little chakra meditation, I caught up with a few sets from Glasto and actually finished a painting..all in my pjs!

This morning I woke up feeling the best I had in a few weeks, ready for five 12 hour day shifts this week..

Monday will not kick my arse this week, if anything..I will kick the arse out of Monday with some pure positive vibes ✌️

As I have said on more than one occasion, it’s time to start listening to my body and slowing down..now I actually will. Even though by Friday, I think the smile may have been beaten out of me after 60hrs but I will sleep like a baby Friday night. I’m still not motivated enough to hit the gym after work though, the only way that will happen is if they start to serve prosecco in their water fountain, that would get me there every night!!

The single persons catchphrase

‘Don’t worry, you will meet someone when you least expect it’

Oh how I had missed this phrase after years of being in a relationship. Luckily for me, I am having it thrown at me from around every corner now I am single but I have more than had my fill. The idea of this sentence irritates me. Like every single guy/girl is sat at home every night worrying about being alone forever, or expecting to meet someone and constantly looking at every bloke they talk to for even a hint of attraction.

It always starts the same:

-Any men on the scene?

-Hows the dating going?

-Got yourself a fella yet?

Followed by my standard ‘go-to’ response of ‘no thank god’. I really need a new comeback to these questions..

People don’t seem to realise that a woman can actually choose to be single and like it. I have never been the type of person to need someone to ‘complete’ me. I just don’t understand these people who have a new love of their life every week, or that collect engagement rings or the ones who feel that they need to announce their partner as ‘me werld’ on facebook one minute and a total twat the next, usually for doing something stupid like forgetting to do the dishes.

I am certainly not a ‘bitter man hater’ either. I don’t feel the need to constantly slag men off or go on an ‘all men are dickheads’ rant on facebook. I am totally choosing to be single. I have always been an independent little sausage; taking myself off to the lakes or somewhere quiet when I need to recharge my batteries, going somewhere new alone or just chilling my beans at home. I am now literally dating myself which isn’t always easy, I stubborn as hell and borderline annoying 98% of the time which makes the arguments hard work!!

Another thing I love as much as the above phrase is when people seem to think that you want to be set up with every single man within a 5 mile radius or that if you talk to a guy or make eye contact with him you must be having sex with them on the sly. My favourite attempt at a ‘set up’ was..

‘Ooh I saw you talking to (insert ANY male name here), is there something going on? What about them? Well why don’t you just have some fun with him instead?’

Followed by me shouting ‘Erm, I can sort myself out thanks’ a bit too loudly. Not the best thing to shout in a hospital environment!

So I am not worried, as the phrase states, I know I will meet the perfect guy at the right time. I won’t be settling for any more idiots that asks me out, i have deleted myself off every dating app and i certainly wont go for the one that asked me ‘do you want to be my fuck buddy?’.. I said no of course, who asks such a question?! I am more than happy being on my own, having my own little retro sanctuary, being totally stress free and not being moaned at for leaving Kirkby grips spread around the house (note to guys: this is how women mark their territory).

I am Bridget Jones and living the dream..Now I’m off to eat my body weight in cake and have a hormonal breakdown because i can never have Ryan Gosling in my life..but i do love The Notebook.