Tag Archives: future

Confidence..

8a9b353cd15fb547dc8901d9dde708e9

This is a subject I have written about on a few occasions, mostly documenting my experiences as I decided to grow it but mostly as i love confidence and the idea that it can constantly be improved on. What made me see that I needed to gain confidence? I believe it was becoming single after a long term relationship. Having that time alone to evaluate where I was going next in life, I realised that I had never really pushed myself out of my comfort zone, there started my little mission.

I pushed myself into situations that I never thought I would be able to do, the modelling, public speaking, starting this blog, going for a full meal alone, finally getting the balls to go to a gym class and even wearing my hair in vintage styles for work. Whilst some of these might seem small to some, they were massive milestones to me. I had always thought of myself as someone who ‘doesn’t give a fuck’ what others think, I clearly did.

I personally think confidence is the key to success. One small boost can change your whole day and outlook. It is something that we all have inside of us, if we choose not to listen to our inner critic that seems to shout that we can’t do something.

You can’t do that for a career

You can’t have your hair like that

You can’t wear that top

You can’t sing/dance/paint etc.

We are our own worst enemy and while we sit back and criticise ourselves for what other people may think, do or say about what truly makes us happy..those people we are worrying about are actually getting on with their own lives. This seems to be the case as we start getting a little bit older and (hopefully) wiser, our goals and aspirations start to change and we fear what others might think. On a personal note, I used to always think about other people’s views on my career. Those people who only knew me as a party girl and a total mess, I always thought they would judge my ability to do my job. Now I couldn’t care less what they think as I am not that person anymore and those days of being a mess and ruining my life 5 days of the week are thankfully long gone. As you evolve as a person, you start to attract and create new friendships, ones that compliment and mold with your new personality and are on your wave length.

I love seeing how people change over time and become more confident in themselves or starting little business ventures. Everyone is becoming a lot more open to the possibilities out there or creating them and are more accepting of people being ‘different’ or ‘weird’. It’s so much better to embrace what makes us all unique than to turn into the idealistic and unrealistic model that society seems to create.

Ignore that inner voice, push yourself into the unknown and get a little boost of confidence. Do that course, learn how to yodel, go to that convention, wear those embarrassing shoes that you think are cool. Don’t live your life for everyone else, or yours might just pass you by quicker than you expect.

Advertisements

Don’t be a Sheep

‘The one who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The one who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been before’

Albert Einstein

I love this quote. Even if it is just a made up one some freak has threw on the internet with ‘Berts name on it, It’s totally speaks to me and my beliefs.

I had always been drawn to vintage fashion and hairstyles but didn’t venture into trying them out until my late 20’s, as I always assumed I should follow the crowd and be normal. As time goes by, people realise that they don’t have to do what everyone else is doing, something that the rare few have been doing for years. Whether that’s in the way we style our clothes and hair, the music we listen to or the jobs we end up in, those routes are followed as that is what we think we should be doing.

One day I just seemed to wake up and realise that I wasn’t doing anything to make myself happy. I was shopping in the same places as everyone else, listening to music that didn’t speak to me at all, styling my hair like everyone else, all just to fit in. Now I don’t want to fit in, I don’t want to be a sheep, I want my own damn flock.

The ‘me’ from 10 years ago wouldn’t recognise me now. Not just in how my style has evolved but how I ended up in pin up modelling and even writing a blog. I have always wanted to be a writer, so my little blog is my way of cracking that one. I’m sure there will be a lot of people in the same position with their own quirky goals. It’s crazy how even one small change can alter the path that you wish to take and can transform you into a brand new person. Mine all started with a very different self-help book.. The life changing magic of not giving a f**k by Sarah Knight and I have never looked back. I frigging love self help books.

I was only able to have a go at the things my soul craved to do once I realised that I really don’t give a shit what other people think and I love to see people doing the same. No one should be put off doing what they enjoy, or be afraid to showcase their talents just because some random loser is too small minded to be happy for other people. When we are about to start a new business venture or hobby we all have those niggling doubts. In my head i questioned my blog..

What will people think?

Am I opening up too much? Being a private person I struggled with this one

Will anyone actually read it?

Can I even write?

Is there any point? 

Looking back this is all just the ego talking, through fear of being bruised. Since deciding to go for it, I have felt so much more creative and confident and as nice as it is to have people subscribe to my blog, I get a lot of happiness from knowing that I am making a start on becoming a writer. As for the future, I don’t know what I will write. I had toyed with the idea of pushing my modelling properly or being a pin up blogger but in truth, i’m sick of seeing my own face these days, it game me an awful point of view on my body and I certainly don’t want to be the type of woman that relies on looks/aesthetics to get by. Plus the effort that goes in to planning some shoots are just tiring, especially when your recuperating from a 60hr working week or a general night shift, the last thing I want to do is practice hair styles, poses, facial expressions or shop for outfits.

So I might just swerve the modelling, change my name to Luna Snowflake Rose and write a self-help book that wouldn’t even help you soak up a spilt glass of wine, let alone guide you through life. Any ideas for a decent spiritual or hippy name are more than welcome..

My last post as a 20-something!

So next week I hit the fabulous milestone that is dirty 30. I would love to say that I have looked at it from a chilled prospective and haven’t freaked out..but that would make me a total liar. I had freaked out something fierce. I was doing amazing until someone mentioned that soon I will never be able to say I’m in my 20’s, ever again.

I am now post freak out, I haven’t changed my hair, career or country of residence, I thought I would get it out there what I have learnt and achieved so far, as, well..why the fuck not.

Here’s five things I have learnt in my 20’s..

  1. To be selfish with my time. Saying no to things you actually don’t want to do is quite an empowering experience, especially when you don’t make up some random excuse like your fish needs a bath. There is nothing wrong with turning down nights out in favour of a Netflix binge in your oldest pj’s. Just say no.
  2. I am not the centre of the universe; I am the centre of my own universe. This goes for other people too. There will always be people who think that the world revolves around them and will be offended if you even breathe in their company, leave them to it and look after your own energy. Create your own reality and be as quirky and extravagant as you want.
  3. Not all those close to you have your best interest at heart. This I learnt in my early 20’s. Some are only around for the gossip, some only acquaintances. When you’re younger you can have a massive friendship circle. This will slowly whittle down once you gain different interests or simply grow apart. You learn to recognise who you want to keep around, those who cheer you on, who don’t try to make you feel guilty for having a life, who you would trust with anything and those who understand your weird ways; even if you have known them for 5 years or 5 mins, keep the ones who know when to make you laugh.
  4. You can’t rely on anyone else to make you happy, true happiness comes from within. Learn to love yourself and the rest will follow. How can you expect other people to like you if you don’t like yourself? Embrace your faults and flaws; they are what make us all unique after all
  5. Its ok if you don’t know what you want to do in your life. I have only just realised what I want to do, yet I still constantly search for something different and exiting. Although I am closet geek and love learning new things. Or I get bored easy, who cares!

Usually people look back at a milestone and think that they haven’t achieved their goals when they should be looking at what they have achieved. I have achieved a hell of a lot personally, to some these may prove insignificant but to me, they are major achievements. I have gained my independence, moved to a brand new area and started again, tried pin up modelling and have been internationally published in two magazines, stood up in front of strangers and gave a 20 minute talk without literally shitting my pants, got on an airplane on my own and writing this blog. I still constantly freak out with every post being a very private person but I love writing and throwing what I am learning about life out there.

Mostly I am proud that I am not the same person I was when I was 20. That girl seems like a complete stranger for more reasons than I could begin to list and I couldn’t be happier. I mildly disliked my very early 20’s whilst my late 20’s have been amazing. I have learnt so much, mostly about myself. So I am now actually looking forward to what i will learn in my 30’s.

So instead of looking at your failures, embrace them as lessons and focus on what you are really proud of, even if society says you shouldn’t be..

There is nothing wrong if you get to thirty and haven’t bought your own house but can make a bloody good roast dinner.. that’s an achievement in its own right!

October Goals..

The trees are about to show us how lovely it can be to let the dead things go..

2-fall-quote-Fitzgerald

I bloody love October and everything about Autumn. The colours of the changing leaves, the chill in the air and chunky boots but most of all, I love that I can finally dig out my skirts and tights! I must be part of the minority that has more skirts for winter than I do for summer.

So with it being the 1st today, I’m starting a fresh. I haven’t done any form of writing for weeks, not just on my blog but any writing in general. Over the past few months I have been scribbling in a note book constantly, trying to think of ideas for books, blogs or short stories but I have totally lacked inspiration. Today, that has changed.

I woke up this morning like a new woman. Hangover free and ready for change.

I have set a few little goals for October and I intend to hit every one of them..

  1. Spend more time in nature – either head up to the lakes or wander around the park
  2. Spend less time worrying about what people say/think
  3. Get back to modelling shoots – I only stopped due to number 2..
  4. Start writing again
  5. Do more things that feed my soul and make me not want to spend so much time on my phone
  6. Stop thinking about work on my days off and essentially work on having a life separate from my day job, my job doesn’t define me as a person
  7. Learn to say who I am without using age, occupation or gender but as a person
  8. Forgive myself for previous mistakes or failures – we all make them!

These might seem like crap/small goals to some but to others they will see the importance of setting and reaching them. I see them as a method of self-improvement and to help me get back to being my authentic self, not the ideal created by what others say or think that I should do. I am now a firm believer in relying on the one person that I know can create peace and happiness in my life, that’s myself. So far this year I have realised that I don’t need to depend on anyone else to make me happy but those that come in to my life and make me smile or laugh are a total blessing.

I also said above that i love all things about Autumn but that may be a slight lie..the one thing i cant stand is this obsession with pumpkin spice latte’s, nothing good can come of this. Give me a baileys hot chocolate any day 🙂

Six Months Later..


Exactly six months ago, I made the decision to completely pack my life up and relocate to a totally new area. An area to which I had only driven through on one or two occasions, my first time going was the day that I viewed my flat that I am in now before paying my deposit the very same day and I have never looked back.I have no idea why I chose this area. I had never even thought of it, I didn’t know my way around, I didn’t know one person around there and I had no family closer than a 30/40 minute drive away.

Six months on.. it remains one of the best decisions that I have ever made and today I have just signed a 12 month renewal contract.

I had a conversation with my mum before I moved about how I would be moving so far away from friends and that I would never see anyone, that didn’t change much as I hardly seen anyone anyway. I still see my lovely family as often as shift work will allow, constantly keep in touch on Facebook and I have since found a few mates nearby.

I am finally getting my space the way I like it, with a few retro vibes and quirky bits on the wall and I’m planning to collect lots more vintage goodies,  including a gold hostess trolley if anyone has one going free?!

I won’t lie, it hasn’t all been easy, it is hard even being good with money occasionally. All of my bills shot up. I have managed to ween myself off stupid EBay buys (With the exception of vintage prizes of course) and I am being strict at where I shop, trying not to be lazy by going to Tesco and going to a cheaper shop instead. I have my monthly outgoings tick list planning my life but this is the first time in years that I haven’t gone over my overdraft. All things considered, I don’t mind on missing out on nights out, party’s or a new vintage dress, I’m more than happy that my money is going into my flat.

Last time I lived alone after eventually kicking one charming man out, I managed around 5 months and it was nearly as much hell as the relationship that ended. I was constantly bailed out as I was horrendous with money; I lost nearly 2 stone after not being able to afford food due to drinking myself into near oblivion with cheap, sweaty boxes of wine, all thanks to my confidence and head being totally fucked up from said charming man. 7 years later and all of that seems like someone else’s story, one that I will never repeat. Lesson most certainly learnt.

I have so many people comment that I should just move back home or get a lodger in so that I can go to university or save up for a mortgage. As nice as achieving both of those would be, I am not planning on moving or moving anyone in with me in the near future. I love having my independence, not putting pressure on myself to save for a mortgage and not sitting in my bedroom every night. I will do it my own way, my mum managed going to University as a single parent with me and my brother for children, so it should be an absolute breeze for me!

One day, I will own my own house, preferably in the Lake District, have 12 Springer Spaniels, some Silkie chickens, I will have grown my first successful strawberry plant and I will have completed my Paramedic course. Until then I am living the life that I want to live, with the people I care about most in it and i absolutely love it. That in its self is a luxury that many don’t have and I know how lucky I am to have it.

So to anyone that always dreams of starting again, whether it’s a new job or total lifestyle change, make that first step. It’s scary, hard work and you will learn a hell of a lot about yourself but in the end it may be everything that you could have hoped for and more. That’s the scary part.

Back on track

I have done it!! I am finally back on track after a mini freak out that i am nearly 30 and hitting a minor midlife crisis. I have spent the past few weeks stuck in my own head, surrounded by my own thoughts of self-doubt and negativity yet again. For some reason, I kept falling back in to the thought that I hadn’t achieved anything with my life and never will. I felt that i had been living someone else’s life, an older life again. I debated moving again, applying for new jobs miles away, changing my career and basically wanted to run away and start from scratch again. So I decided all I needed was a night out to escape. I ended up having more than a few nights out, in fact, I have had more hangovers this past 3 weeks than I have in the past few months.

My last hangover has lasted a strong four days but was totally worth it, I had my first girl’s night out in years, I had such a laugh and my body is aching from so much dancing. This hangover made me realise that I need to stop hovering over the self-destruct button and stop wanting to run away. After speaking to a friend who has always achieved so much in such a short period of time, it made me realise, that could easily be me if I tried.

So, these are my first few days off that I will remain sober in ages and I can’t wait to be hangover free tomorrow. I had initially planned to stay in, bake some sort of banana invention, throw on a face mask, have an aromatherapy bath and start writing again. So far I have only managed to sit down to write and throw on a face mask. In my defense, I hate baking and only own a whisk!

Tomorrows plan will be one of getting back to nourishing myself and my little palace:

  • Gym to get rid of my bourbon filled belly
  • Treating myself to a shiny old vinyl record
  • Sorting my flat out
  • Heading the tip to bin the rest of my issues
  • Pamper myself back to an acceptable appearance
  • Debate baking a banana bread all day before totally refusing to give in to becoming a girl
  • More writing and making art for my walls

I have made a few small changes such as being back on my positive thinking wave length, getting rid of some hangers on who shouldn’t be in my life, I am writing again, meditating and reading and I have decided to stop putting myself down, I know i am in the exact place in life that I want to be. I have just signed a 12 month lease on my flat and decided I need to focus on my career again; I am becoming more proactive finally. It’s time to stop making lists about what I want in life and time to start believing that I can actually achieve my goals. Even though I will continue to make lists of everything, I bloody love making a list.

Monday vibes

Over the past few weeks I have let my creative side take a back seat, well with the exception of modelling. Last month I went out and bought a load or canvases, paint, oil/chalk pastels and decided to sit down and get the better side of messy. I painted one, done the background of two, then left those to one side to gather dust in my little arty corner surrounded by fabric slices and a glue gun.

Over the weekend, I was absolutely worn out, I have pushed myself too far over the past few weeks to the point of being ill and burnt out. I actually left a family party at midnight due to being that exhausted. I’m usually the first to be drunk and the last one to leave but I just couldn’t function, even after having several beers I couldn’t wake up. The next morning I woke up shattered. Had a full English with the rents and headed home. It’s taken it’s toll so much that I actually looked like a bag of boiled shite that had been set a lite and stamped on.

So I decided to do something I hadn’t done for ages..chill my beans.

I sat in my little crib, drank herbal tea and ate so much cake. I managed to do a little chakra meditation, I caught up with a few sets from Glasto and actually finished a painting..all in my pjs!

This morning I woke up feeling the best I had in a few weeks, ready for five 12 hour day shifts this week..

Monday will not kick my arse this week, if anything..I will kick the arse out of Monday with some pure positive vibes ✌️

As I have said on more than one occasion, it’s time to start listening to my body and slowing down..now I actually will. Even though by Friday, I think the smile may have been beaten out of me after 60hrs but I will sleep like a baby Friday night. I’m still not motivated enough to hit the gym after work though, the only way that will happen is if they start to serve prosecco in their water fountain, that would get me there every night!!

The single persons catchphrase

‘Don’t worry, you will meet someone when you least expect it’

Oh how I had missed this phrase after years of being in a relationship. Luckily for me, I am having it thrown at me from around every corner now I am single but I have more than had my fill. The idea of this sentence irritates me. Like every single guy/girl is sat at home every night worrying about being alone forever, or expecting to meet someone and constantly looking at every bloke they talk to for even a hint of attraction.

It always starts the same:

-Any men on the scene?

-Hows the dating going?

-Got yourself a fella yet?

Followed by my standard ‘go-to’ response of ‘no thank god’. I really need a new comeback to these questions..

People don’t seem to realise that a woman can actually choose to be single and like it. I have never been the type of person to need someone to ‘complete’ me. I just don’t understand these people who have a new love of their life every week, or that collect engagement rings or the ones who feel that they need to announce their partner as ‘me werld’ on facebook one minute and a total twat the next, usually for doing something stupid like forgetting to do the dishes.

I am certainly not a ‘bitter man hater’ either. I don’t feel the need to constantly slag men off or go on an ‘all men are dickheads’ rant on facebook. I am totally choosing to be single. I have always been an independent little sausage; taking myself off to the lakes or somewhere quiet when I need to recharge my batteries, going somewhere new alone or just chilling my beans at home. I am now literally dating myself which isn’t always easy, I stubborn as hell and borderline annoying 98% of the time which makes the arguments hard work!!

Another thing I love as much as the above phrase is when people seem to think that you want to be set up with every single man within a 5 mile radius or that if you talk to a guy or make eye contact with him you must be having sex with them on the sly. My favourite attempt at a ‘set up’ was..

‘Ooh I saw you talking to (insert ANY male name here), is there something going on? What about them? Well why don’t you just have some fun with him instead?’

Followed by me shouting ‘Erm, I can sort myself out thanks’ a bit too loudly. Not the best thing to shout in a hospital environment!

So I am not worried, as the phrase states, I know I will meet the perfect guy at the right time. I won’t be settling for any more idiots that asks me out, i have deleted myself off every dating app and i certainly wont go for the one that asked me ‘do you want to be my fuck buddy?’.. I said no of course, who asks such a question?! I am more than happy being on my own, having my own little retro sanctuary, being totally stress free and not being moaned at for leaving Kirkby grips spread around the house (note to guys: this is how women mark their territory).

I am Bridget Jones and living the dream..Now I’m off to eat my body weight in cake and have a hormonal breakdown because i can never have Ryan Gosling in my life..but i do love The Notebook.

Chilled at last 


I’m blogging al fresco today! I’m currently sat in the park, thoroughly chilling my beans.

I have been non stop lately, barely having a day to recharge. It’s got to the point this week where I’m finally run down and sound like Barry white. I have joked that it’s ‘maga aids’ from my holiday but I managed to avoid not only so much as communicating with the dickhead ‘joey essex wannabes’ of Magaluf but all the mayhem that goes with mad holidays. I just went to float in the sea! It’s my own fault as I always get ill when I push myself too hard and never learn.

So I’ve decided to take some much needed ‘me’ time. Due to some amazing planning,mostly my own fault, I was due to have one day off in 15 days, thanks to filling my time with shoots,work & overtime because I’m an idiot. So I cancelled tonight’s shift.

Tonight’s new plan: No worrying looking for overtime shifts, no shoot planning,  no lists, no working out my money every two minutes and definitely no housework! Instead i’m going for a candle lit bath, face mask, film night & herbal tea ❤ a full girly recharge in all its glory. Which is ironic as I always considered myself far, FAR from girly. I give in, totally!!

Now, I’m sat in the park, listening to pink clouds division bell with my bare feet on the grass and it feels awesome. I spent every nice day in the park when I moved but haven’t for a few weeks with being so busy. Totally forgot how much I love chilling outside.

I may disintegrate in the sun being a fake ginger and all, but at least I would be reduced to dust with a big smile on my face and a positive attitude.. LIFE IS GOOD ✌️

Head Space

On my little three day trip to Spain I managed to do some serious soul searching. Lately I have lost my way a bit. I had totally thrown myself into modelling as well as doing my job and cramming as much over time in as humanly possible.

All of my new positive activities had been kicked to the kerb. I was back to eating crap, no more yoga, no more meditation, slowed down blogging, no more walks around the park or chilling my beans. My days off were crammed with arranging shoots, planning outfits, poses, travel time, preparation and trying to function on very little sleep. Cramming four shoots in a month is not the best idea. I literally felt drained.

So on the Sunday, after 2 hours sleep I headed to a networking shoot. Then straight from the shoot, I had to rush home, grab my suitcase and haul ass to the airport. I got myself one big ass pint of cider and rang my mum. This was the first time I had flown on my own and I’m a terribly flyer. I looked at it as some time to chill on my own.

I boarded the plane and threw my headphones in, for the first hour I listened to a guided meditation on Spotify. I managed to coach my breathing right through the take off and didn’t get one tiny ounce of anxiety. I also done the same on the way back, although this time I was surrounded by 6 million children, who decided to scream as we were landing, I very, very nearly lost my shit and joined in with the screaming.

I had an amazing few days. The friend I went to visit, I had known for 10 years which has flown! For the first time I was totally honest with her, going into some pretty deep stuff that I would never normally talk about. It must have been the pool/lilo/sun effect as I was totally sober! Afterwards I didn’t feel as bad as I thought I would opening up like that. My little mini break was certainly an experience in every sense Down at the beach I lay down, burning to an absolute crisp and revaluated the past few weeks and what is most important to me. It’s then a realised I’m doing too much and need to slow down. I left my phone in the apartment whenever we went out and felt like i had gained a sense of freedom. My phone has done nothing but ping lately, to the point that I have silenced most of my notifications. Luckily I had my picture mad friend to document the whole thing.

So from my holiday revaluation I will be doing the following:

– Making more time for myself, get back to enjoying nature again

– Slowing down with the modelling, one or two shoots a month is totally fine!

– Make time to meditate and practice yoga and eat well

– Continue to write this blog and spill my emotional beans all over the place

– Continue to make my little home a happy place to escape, which isn’t hard as I am in heaven as soon as I walk through the door.

– Using social media a lot less, apart from my modelling page occasionally.

– Carrying on smiling, laughing and being positive when faced with any negativity.

I am one day in to slowing down and i already feel so much better again 🙂