Tag Archives: dating

The single persons catchphrase

‘Don’t worry, you will meet someone when you least expect it’

Oh how I had missed this phrase after years of being in a relationship. Luckily for me, I am having it thrown at me from around every corner now I am single but I have more than had my fill. The idea of this sentence irritates me. Like every single guy/girl is sat at home every night worrying about being alone forever, or expecting to meet someone and constantly looking at every bloke they talk to for even a hint of attraction.

It always starts the same:

-Any men on the scene?

-Hows the dating going?

-Got yourself a fella yet?

Followed by my standard ‘go-to’ response of ‘no thank god’. I really need a new comeback to these questions..

People don’t seem to realise that a woman can actually choose to be single and like it. I have never been the type of person to need someone to ‘complete’ me. I just don’t understand these people who have a new love of their life every week, or that collect engagement rings or the ones who feel that they need to announce their partner as ‘me werld’ on facebook one minute and a total twat the next, usually for doing something stupid like forgetting to do the dishes.

I am certainly not a ‘bitter man hater’ either. I don’t feel the need to constantly slag men off or go on an ‘all men are dickheads’ rant on facebook. I am totally choosing to be single. I have always been an independent little sausage; taking myself off to the lakes or somewhere quiet when I need to recharge my batteries, going somewhere new alone or just chilling my beans at home. I am now literally dating myself which isn’t always easy, I stubborn as hell and borderline annoying 98% of the time which makes the arguments hard work!!

Another thing I love as much as the above phrase is when people seem to think that you want to be set up with every single man within a 5 mile radius or that if you talk to a guy or make eye contact with him you must be having sex with them on the sly. My favourite attempt at a ‘set up’ was..

‘Ooh I saw you talking to (insert ANY male name here), is there something going on? What about them? Well why don’t you just have some fun with him instead?’

Followed by me shouting ‘Erm, I can sort myself out thanks’ a bit too loudly. Not the best thing to shout in a hospital environment!

So I am not worried, as the phrase states, I know I will meet the perfect guy at the right time. I won’t be settling for any more idiots that asks me out, i have deleted myself off every dating app and i certainly wont go for the one that asked me ‘do you want to be my fuck buddy?’.. I said no of course, who asks such a question?! I am more than happy being on my own, having my own little retro sanctuary, being totally stress free and not being moaned at for leaving Kirkby grips spread around the house (note to guys: this is how women mark their territory).

I am Bridget Jones and living the dream..Now I’m off to eat my body weight in cake and have a hormonal breakdown because i can never have Ryan Gosling in my life..but i do love The Notebook.

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Curse of the Fuck boy/Bad boy

Last time I was single, over 4 ish years ago, there was no such thing as a ‘fuck boy’, there were just dick heads that you would steer clear of. Then last year, I saw the term getting banded around on social media. I always thought the girls who go after these guys are absolute idiots who must know full well what they are getting themselves into. Just like the same idiots who chase after bad boys constantly. It turns out i am now in that idiot category.

My ideas of the difference between a fuck boy and a bad boy;

Bad Boys:

-Exude confidence to the point that it’s contagious

-Unique rebel – will smoke in front of a non-smoking sign

-Claims not to follow trends, then grows a beard and gets a tattoo

-Has a certain cheek that draws you in

-Will flirt with your mates just because he can

-Known for causing trouble or murder with your mates

-Will happily get into a relationship with you, until he finds something shinier to play with

-He’s not one for meeting the rents or making future plans

-Will make no effort to convince you that he isn’t a dick, he totally owns it.

-Their purpose in life is to give you that awesome memory to look back on, that excitement, fun fiery fling to fantasize about when you’re old and not getting any.

Fuck Boys:

-Will reel you in with comments of your future until you are convinced it’s going somewhere, even if it’s an offer to go to Nando’s next month

-Will constantly compliment you while your together, then not speak to you for weeks

-Randomly requests nudes and you know full well they will be shown to his mates

-Appear cheeky and cute, can only hide the dick head undercurrent for at least 3/4 dates

– Speak only in emojis, like the water splashes, tongue and especially that poor, violated marrow thing

– Use terms like ‘dick appointment’, because he is a twat.

-Has the ability to make you forget why you stopped talking, or exchanging emoji’s

-Pretends to be a nice guy but only cares about himself

– Usually very hot, and they know it

-Their idea of flirting is – what would you be doing if I was there now? Or in their vocab – wha wud u be doin if I was ther?

– Their purpose in life is to lead you on and play with your feelings more than they play with you.

My advice to any ladies dating either..

Have that hot, fiery fling with the bad boy, you will need that to reminisce on. Also, you need that one guy that your mates can keep bringing up after every night on the wine.

If you must pick from the fuck boy tree, treat him the same. There is nothing wrong with a disposable fling,  don’t book that table at Nando’s and whatever you do, don’t use that poor marrow plant emoji in conversation!!

To summarise, you know what you are getting with a bad boy, a fuck boy however, is a bit of a snake. I am usually such a good judge of character and bin them off as soon as I get a hint. Although I have to admit, like many others have fallen into the trap of one, hooked on good vibes, the promises of future outings, having amazing nights together and wondering if you could give up your beloved freedom for them. This is not me at all. I can control my emotional beans for ages, these fuck boys are damn good,  damn hot and are actually damn likeable. Now i have learnt to play the game and play it well. Also, these strange alluring creatures are found mostly on Tinder.

The worlds fastest relationship

Moving-Too-Fast

Society these days demands everything fast, fast food, fast coffee and apparently fast relationships.

For this one, I have only have Tinder and my own pure curiosity to blame. What happened to tat stupid damn cat again?! So on facebook I got a random message and friend request from a guy, the conversation went like this;

‘Hey, how are you? xx’

‘Do I know you?’

‘No, I just appreciate a pretty face, saw you on facebook and thought I would add you, can we be friends? xx’

‘Sorry I don’t make a habit of adding strange guys from facebook’

‘What makes you think I am a strange guy?’ xx

He clearly didn’t understand a polite-ish brush off when he read one. I ignored that last question, thinking the answer was pretty obvious. A few days later, I received another message.. ’can we be friends? xx’ my first thought, just fuck off please friend..but as I’m one curious cow, I thought I would add him for a snoop. Then followed the ‘likes’ on every post and loads of pictures, followed by messages. It started off just general chit chat, asking about the usual shite. A few messages in, he built his little self-up to ask me out, to which I politely declined by saying that I’m not dating anyone at the minute but thanks anyway. I had deleted Tinder at this point and had hit up bumble, he didn’t know this. He didn’t give up, his reply was that he had seen me initially on tinder, not facebook. So when I tried to explain again that I’m not dating, he suggested a drink as friends. I said that I would let him know when I get some time off and I actually debated going on a cheeky date, as the rest had all gone so well and provided nothing more than pure entertainment.

This is when it all went a bit tits up and passive aggressive. ‘I suppose I will just have to wait and see if you get any time off then’. That was a strong reply that would change my mind if there ever was one. The messages that followed were amazing telling me that I shouldn’t be renting, I should look to buy a place, about money, savings and basically trying to give me life lessons. SOUND. Again, my mind began screaming ‘fuck off pal’. I can’t stand people trying to impart unwanted life lessons on me. I ignored a few more messages asking when I am free, why we can’t go for a drink in between my shifts and that he is not a big drinker anyway.

That night, I was on a night shift and went back on Tinder, again out of pure curiosity, plus talking about my dating disasters, I kind of missed the entertainment! I love how exited people get when they have a go on it, especially when they get over exited and match you with some absolute meat head that looks like he would try to rob the whey protein from a field of cows. I wish I still had that kind of love for Tinder. The next afternoon, I woke to a snotty passive aggressive message from my new friend. It went something along these lines..

‘how’s you? Just saw you on tinder, here’s me waiting for you to ‘give me a shout’. No hard feelings, hope we can stay friends’.

Now, I am not a morning person. I don’t like waking up in general, especially after my usual 4 hours kip after my night shift. Waking up to read that message, the undertone of pissed off surprised me. Plus I doubt we were actually friends?!

My reply was basic.. ‘wow, we all went on it for a laugh in work’ which was technically true.

His next reply gave me a white hot flash of anger.

‘Can you see my point of view though, I can’t see you messaging saying you’re ready to go out for a drink, I guess I will just have to guess which weekend your off. Don’t be angry with me please’ followed by one of those emoji’s with the rolling eyes. Right then dickhead, i cant stand being given the rolling eyes, its way too much emphasis on one small shitty face.

I don’t know if it was the rolling eyes emoji, the passive aggressive wording or the fact I’m not exactly an easy going person with sleep deprivation but I was all of a sudden awake and through my little half asleep squinty eyes, I began to furiously type away. I may have been a tad harsh..

‘First off we are not in a relationship, we haven’t even had a date. I’ve explained my situation to you which you clearly don’t understand. I don’t appreciate waking up to passive aggressive messages at all. I have rid my life of negative idiots who like to speak to me like that and having to explain myself to a total stranger is not what I want. So that’s the last I will say on the matter **thumbs up emoji** im off to work so I don’t want to debate this matter anymore.’ i very nearly threw in the rolling eyes emoji but felt the thumbs up gave more effect.

In my head, this was totally justified and it done the trick as he said to just delete and block him then. What an excellent idea!

So, within the space of around 2 weeks, I had managed to cram in an argument and breakup with someone I had never met, let alone had a date with. Moral of the story, don’t accept random friend requests and don’t piss me off when I’m tired.

A minor dating app rant..

It’s safe to say I’m learning ALOT from online dating..such as most people you speak to are arseholes..most, not all.
Has the art of vaguely normal communication started to fade? Most guys I have messaged over these glorious dating apps seem fairly decent, then you get hit with a passive aggressive response.

One example, I had my notifications turned off, replied to a message from 3 days before with the standard apology and ‘what have you been upto?’ Question, his response..’oh nothing just sat here waiting for a reply and being single’. Jesus H Christ. UNMATCHED

Also If you are going to ask me the worlds shittest question, like what my favourite ice cream is, don’t expect an enthusiastic reply, or anything more than ‘mint chocolate chip’.  Responding with SOUND 🙄 was a fantastic reply, maybe instead of scrolling to the rolling eyes emoji, you should up your questions game. UNMATCHED

Yesterday, I had a little experiment with someone who is obsessed with sending a ‘giff’ instead of a hello for the first message and was getting  o replies. How ridiculous, no one would reply to that. So, I sent one as a social experiment..it totally backfired. I had a reply with a few 😂 faces and saying how it was an amazing introduction. Total backfire!! again..UNMATCHED

I am genuinely convinced that soon, all replies will be in an emoji format. It’s definetly already started, with replies like ‘lol 😂 haha’, how do you respond to that, im sure that’s a closed message..’lol 😂’  When the language of emoji takes over.. expect one of two replies from me:

🛎🔚 OR W⚓️

Maybe I’m a tad bored with dating apps now!

A classic case of ‘no spark’

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It is 12.00am on a Friday morning. I have not long got home from another first date. It appears I still haven’t learnt my lesson, that I attract guys from the strange walks of life. Unfortunately I cannot blame Tinder for this one, I totally blame Bumble and my own lack of judgement.

So, spending the night swiping through the app I looked at this guy’s profile. Instead of pictures of him in Thailand on some exotic animal, wrestling a tiger or skiing, there was a fancy dress picture of him in a dress. Fair play I thought, it was certainly different and quite cute, he also described himself as the real Ross Gellar. So as per bumble rules, I had to message within 24hrs. I sent a message complimenting on his ability to pull off a dress, wig and knee high socks. After a few messages we were getting on really well, seemed to have the same humour and both liked similar music, always a winner. After a few days chatting we swapped numbers and arranged a date, to some quirky bar with my kind of music. I wasn’t really nervous or bothered about this one, I thought of it as just going out with a mate after how well we had gotten on. I didn’t even have an advance outfit planned or hair & make up, not like me at all. I always have a date outfit planned at least 3 days in advance in my head!

I turned up early for once; he was sat waiting with a White Russian (WTF milk on a night out?!) for himself and a standard southern comfort for me. First impressions, not at all what I would normally go for at all but he came across alright. He looked a lot different from his pictures and had the strangest accent that took me by surprise, almost as much as how he pronounced the word ‘practice’ as ‘pratice’. We had a nice chat but it quickly became apparent that it was all business. I didn’t fancy him at all, no little sparks, no laughs and there weren’t enough pints in the word that would tempt me to a sleepover! He pointed out that he had small hands for some reason, then I was mesmerized, they made mine look massive, I refrained from a previous small hand joke, totally inappropriate.

I made the excuse that I wanted to beat the late night scramble for a taxi and said I was leaving. He offered me money for my cab, which I didn’t take and walked me to the taxi rank. I gave him a hug, skilfully swerved the attempt at a kiss and gave the ‘thanks for a nice night and it was nice to meet you’ brush off line, which I have learnt is code for ‘thanks but no thanks’. This did not work, as his parting line as i closed the taxi door happy i didn’t get asked for a second date, was ‘I will throw you a text and we will sort something out’. I clearly need to come up with a more inventive/brutal way to end dates successfully. i could use a line used on me the other week..’well, i’m sure i will speak to you again at some point’. a personal favorite brush off, straight to the point, leaving no room for hope.

I am a firm believer in personality, laughter and butterflies; I’m not one to go for looks. Looks fade over time, so if you’re with some absolute wanker who is hot as hell, eventually when their looks fade away, you will be left with just an absolute wanker.

With that said, they should ideally be a two pint minimum on the sleepover scale.

To date or not to date!

I am now around 6 months into this dating malarkey and all I can say is it has been emotional to say the least. Since my last dating post about the three lovely fella’s I dated from tinder, I have yet to go on another. The experience of the giraffe kisser, inappropriate joker and the guy with the dodgy movie choice may have put me off slightly. Since then I have spoken to a few guys, we have swapped numbers and exchanged numerous ‘normal’ messages then it doesn’t go anywhere. Which I am secretly happy about, I have started to plan a few dates then realised I actually don’t want to go on one. I don’t feel the need to go out and date just because I can, even if it would provide me with another funny story to add to my dating collection and a free meal. Considering I only seem to attract freaks at the minute, I’m definitely wary! Plus the smallest thing puts me off, those roll eye emoji’s in conversations piss me off straight away, roll your eyes in someone else’s inbox, passive aggressive comments will make you sound like a total wanker and anyone who wants to hit me with some ‘life lessons’, I’m good thanks, at least have a normal conversation before you try to change my mindset. So unless the conversation is flowing nicely, i’m getting good vibes and the guy doesn’t say lol or call me hun all the time, i wont be playing out, i will be washing my hair or i’ll have to stay in to tape the 40 year old virgin on VHS in case ITV decide to stop showing it.

I haven’t been on a date since January, it feels like two weeks ago not months! Last week my single curiosity got the better of me though, when I heard about a new dating app called ‘bumble’. I felt like I was missing out, so the obvious thing was to sign up straight away and have a nosey at these blokes who have swerved Tinder in search of a better place. I had forgotten how addictive these dating apps are! This app is different to tinder, the girl has to send the first message within 24hrs, then the guy has to reply in 24hrs or the match disappears. So i have been trying to thing of witty one liners to open with and failing miserably. It would seem that no one can hold a conversation, i need to get back to going out and letting alcohol make my dating decisions again, as that has worked out amazingly so far..

What i have learnt, according to some secret rule, on a guy’s profile they must have pictures including snowboarding, on a mountain, some sort of wild animal, one in Thailand and with a random girl. Also, what is everyone’s obsession with height? Apparently this is a big thing in the girl world, something that I have never even thought about! Surly one of the main questions to address should be shoe choice instead?! Tall, dark and shit shoes does not make a perfect match.

Modern moves?!

fall for actions

As I have stated in previous posts, my dating has taken a hiatus for a few years. Since I have started dating and chatting to guys again, I just can’t get my head around certain things.

  1. The unsolicited dick pick. I always thought this was only acceptable with someone you can fully trust that they will not flash that picture of your nips in the really bad lighting about to their mates, or even worse, on the internet. Apparently you only need to get three messages deep (pun totally intended!) these days before sending one. Or from another experience, a pic sent via twitter, I would have at least preferred an introduction or a hello; I certainly did not ‘wanna get on this’.
  2. The use of the poor aubergine to symbolise a dick. I can’t stand an aubergine anyway but I’m sure it’s a bit devastated to be used in sex memes! Using your actual words is much more effective, trying to decipher hieroglyphic’s is not a turn on at all! Leave the poor eggplant for its intended purpose, in a rat-atat-atouille or in the bin with the rest of the shit vegetables.
  3. The notion that every guy cheats or has a ‘side chic’. Come on ladies, don’t believe your idiot mates who have been trying to get with Barry from Toccy while he bangs every minger that moves or trying to change these so called ‘fuck boys’. These were more commonly known as bad boys, or full on dickheads. Not every guy is sleeping with everyone, sending dick pics or acting like these meme’s people love so much, get off Tinder and have some faith in humanity.
  4. There is no in between. It is either three messages in and someone is professing marriage or the standard ‘netflix and chill’ invite. I can’t stand this saying, what happened to asking someone round to watch an actual movie. At least then sex isn’t expected, in a non rapey way i should point out! Isn’t it part of the excitement when your sat there wondering if they have genuinely only come over to watch that shit Adam Sandler movie? And don’t get me started on the ‘firestick and dick’ saying!!
  5. No one gets to know each other now; they treat everyone like they are disposable. People say that they hate playing games and love honesty yet play more games than Bradley Wiggins and lie like a cheap rug. Stop over thinking, be honest and put your monopoly board away. Text the guy/girl if you want to speak to them, don’t leave people on ‘read’ to prove a point and if you actually like someone, tell them! ‘Treat them mean’ does not work at all, unless you’re younger and pulling your crushes hair to the point of tears. Although if it works out, she may love the hair pulling further down the line 😉

Future annoyance check list

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Last year, I had a chat with my cousin about being single. I asked him why he has not found us all a nice lady friend to get drunk with at family parties; he gave the best response ever.

‘I know what I want, what qualities are the perfect woman for me, why would I settle for anything less?’

This short sentence has stuck with me since, even more so now that I am getting asked this question, although I’m after a nice man, sorry ladies 😉 So, I have decided to compile a list of my own (this list in non-exhaustive of course)

My perfect guy:

  • Must have an amazing sense of humour, not the personality of a sweaty mop
  • He must have the ability to make me laugh even in the worse situations and especially when I have a ‘little woman syndrome’ flare up
  • Great hair – indie/mod cut all day long, man buns need not apply!!
  • A good sense of style, I’m a rare breed that thinks grey sweat pants a vile. As are beige shoes. I like to get dressed up, I don’t want to be stood with some guy in his finest trackys, no matter how well they have been ironed
  • Taller than me, which isn’t too much to ask being 5ft nothing
  • Isn’t easily offended, I have the mouth of a drunken sailor and WILL call you a dick at some point, usually for no reason
  • He has to be creative and have imagination
  • Know what he wants from life & is ambitious
  • Be family orientated, i love my family, we are all equally bonkers and throw a boss party!
  • No serial killer traits appart from the charm of course
  • Not feminine at all, I want a man, not a woman
  • Finally, confidence and a positive outlook!

I know I sound like the kids from Mary Poppins looking for a nanny, I am fully aware that such a fella does not exist and will not find this blog entry will drift to him ripped up from a fireplace; I may have to compromise. I must point out that I will NEVER compromise for a guy on the grey sweaty pants or beige shoes front, he can fuck right off.

Daunting Dating

 

dating

The last time I went on a date was 6/7 years ago. He waited until we asked for the bill to mention that he had no money. So it’s safe to say my expectations where not that high to begin with. So after leaving a 4 year relationship, I listened to everyone’s advice and got myself ‘out there’ and on Tinder. The last time I was single, internet dating was for losers who still lived at home with their parents..now that was me so it off I went! So, after a few weeks of begin to much of a coward to actually meet up with anyone, I decided to get one arranged;

My first one, I was nervous as hell. The conversation was flowing nicely over text so it seemed like a good idea to meet him. I got myself all dolled up and to the bar early for a very nervous southern comfort, also I didn’t want to embarrass myself by not recognising the guy and walking right past him like an arrogant cow. He seemed like a nice guy and not bad-looking but looked younger than he was. We didn’t have much in common but there were no immediate ‘likes to kick puppies in the night’ vibes coming from him. So 4 drinks in, he’s talking about men. About how he wouldn’t  be offended if a guy came onto him which I thought was a strange comment to make, totally out of the blue. I have no idea how that came up, I had definitely waxed my moustache beforehand so that can’t have given him the wrong idea. Then the big question..’do you like fighting?’..of course I thought he meant boxing or UFC, apparently not. Is it appropriate first date conversation to tell someone that you get a kick out of starting a fight with a random person in a pub? It’s safe to say we didn’t see each other again. Especially after he kissed me and basically tried to swallow my face, it was like a giraffe trying to eat a blade of grass. Most people would leave after the fight club interview, which I should have done as he spent the rest of the night saying I intimidate him as I’m too pretty (WTF)but I decided to get myself a big pizza and more drinks out of it, after all a girl has to eat!

Second Tinder adventure, a guy from the navy. He was younger by 4 years and very, very tall. He practically towered over my 5’0 stature! I wasn’t nervous about this one, I had a major confidence boost, possibly after the last one being an absolute freak, I didn’t think this would go the same. Again we got on really well over messages, same humour and it was the same for the date. We laughed and took the piss out of each other; there were a lot of small jokes. He did try to play it cool saying he doesn’t chase woman, they chase him. Game on pal, I thought. He offered to walk me to the train station. On the way to the station, I was thinking I would definitely like see this guy again, once he caves and chases me first. He offered me a mint and spotted the size of my hands. The comment that followed left me a tad speechless… ‘Bloody hell how small are your hands, they would make my dick look massive!’ I think he gathered that I wasn’t impressed by the look on my face. He did break and text me within 30 mins of waving me and my small hands off. I was debating a second try until I had a request a few days later out of the blue asking for naked pictures. As tempting as it was, he didn’t get one and I gave the whole ‘always assume I am busy’ line to fend off another date.

My final tinder I was dreading at first after the last two but this faded after chatting for a while and I was quite exited. Thankfully it was a lot less offensive. He was more my type than the others, ticked most of my boxes, no fight club or serial killer suspicions. Plus he was hot. We lived a fair distance from each other so met in the middle for a drink. He turned up fashionably late, just at the point I debated if I had been swerved last minute. We got on really well, it was like I was catching up with an old friend, the next thing we knew the music was off and the pub was shutting. A few hours felt like 5 minutes. We met up a few times after that, he didn’t kiss like a giraffe and attack my face thankfully, quite the opposite! Although he did put a film on about a child eating clown, to see how I would react I think. I styled it out of course with my ‘big beach ball sized lady nuts’ (thanks TWD). But I have to admit I am still freaked out, now I’m wary of clowns as well as kids. But just when I thought I had nailed this dating stuff, it was done.

I had already deleted my tinder profile before date number 3, I ventured back on to it out of boredom and spoke to a few guys before deleting it again after receiving a charming message that said ‘you look like you love the D’. I don’t need an app to meet idiots; I do quite a good job with that myself.

So lessons learnt from datig so far:

-if you kiss and it’s awful, don’t stick around for pizza,

-never show a tall/big guy your hands,

– always, ALWAYS pick the movie!!