Tag Archives: confidence

A few words to my younger self..

If I could write a letter to my younger self, it would go something like this..

OI YOU LITTLE BITCH!..

Just kidding..


-always remember to smile

-You are always good enough.. never listen to the few idiots who try to make you feel less of a person, they are projecting their own issues on you, and they are also arseholes.

-your mum is always right, apart from thinking you like eggs, she won’t remember this until you hit 28 and by that time you won’t actually mind them

-you will loose that ‘puppy fat’ and when you look back, you will realise you were never really fat anyway!

-get rid of the negative influences in your life sooner rather than later

-when you get that first working pay check, for god sake stay away from new look!

-coming second is a big achievement..especially when it’s to someone who is just as creative and ridiculously talented, it’s something to be proud of, nothing to be embarrassed of.

-it’s ok to cry & show emotion, it’s totally ok to ‘cry like a girl’ as you bloody are one!

-what ever you do, do not let that dinner lady force you to eat cauliflower cheese..it doesn’t end well

-be yourself, don’t be so shy and embarrassed. There is nothing wrong with standing out from the crowd.

-everything will make sense in a few years, all of those gut feelings and niggling thoughts will make sense

-massive hoop earrings are a major faux par 

-as is pulling your socks over your finest Lacoste tracky pants 

-you will find your place one day, no more longing of a place to fit in, you will finally find the right fashion sense through vintage everything!

-that empty space you feel that needs filling, will become whole once you start to love yourself ❤

-stop ironing your hair immediately, one day you will want those curls back

-it’s ok not to have a plan, you don’t have to go to uni or college straight away, enjoy being young and free!

And last but not least..

DONT RUN IN CLOGGS YOU DAFT COW!!

Monday vibes

Over the past few weeks I have let my creative side take a back seat, well with the exception of modelling. Last month I went out and bought a load or canvases, paint, oil/chalk pastels and decided to sit down and get the better side of messy. I painted one, done the background of two, then left those to one side to gather dust in my little arty corner surrounded by fabric slices and a glue gun.

Over the weekend, I was absolutely worn out, I have pushed myself too far over the past few weeks to the point of being ill and burnt out. I actually left a family party at midnight due to being that exhausted. I’m usually the first to be drunk and the last one to leave but I just couldn’t function, even after having several beers I couldn’t wake up. The next morning I woke up shattered. Had a full English with the rents and headed home. It’s taken it’s toll so much that I actually looked like a bag of boiled shite that had been set a lite and stamped on.

So I decided to do something I hadn’t done for ages..chill my beans.

I sat in my little crib, drank herbal tea and ate so much cake. I managed to do a little chakra meditation, I caught up with a few sets from Glasto and actually finished a painting..all in my pjs!

This morning I woke up feeling the best I had in a few weeks, ready for five 12 hour day shifts this week..

Monday will not kick my arse this week, if anything..I will kick the arse out of Monday with some pure positive vibes ✌️

As I have said on more than one occasion, it’s time to start listening to my body and slowing down..now I actually will. Even though by Friday, I think the smile may have been beaten out of me after 60hrs but I will sleep like a baby Friday night. I’m still not motivated enough to hit the gym after work though, the only way that will happen is if they start to serve prosecco in their water fountain, that would get me there every night!!

Head Space

On my little three day trip to Spain I managed to do some serious soul searching. Lately I have lost my way a bit. I had totally thrown myself into modelling as well as doing my job and cramming as much over time in as humanly possible.

All of my new positive activities had been kicked to the kerb. I was back to eating crap, no more yoga, no more meditation, slowed down blogging, no more walks around the park or chilling my beans. My days off were crammed with arranging shoots, planning outfits, poses, travel time, preparation and trying to function on very little sleep. Cramming four shoots in a month is not the best idea. I literally felt drained.

So on the Sunday, after 2 hours sleep I headed to a networking shoot. Then straight from the shoot, I had to rush home, grab my suitcase and haul ass to the airport. I got myself one big ass pint of cider and rang my mum. This was the first time I had flown on my own and I’m a terribly flyer. I looked at it as some time to chill on my own.

I boarded the plane and threw my headphones in, for the first hour I listened to a guided meditation on Spotify. I managed to coach my breathing right through the take off and didn’t get one tiny ounce of anxiety. I also done the same on the way back, although this time I was surrounded by 6 million children, who decided to scream as we were landing, I very, very nearly lost my shit and joined in with the screaming.

I had an amazing few days. The friend I went to visit, I had known for 10 years which has flown! For the first time I was totally honest with her, going into some pretty deep stuff that I would never normally talk about. It must have been the pool/lilo/sun effect as I was totally sober! Afterwards I didn’t feel as bad as I thought I would opening up like that. My little mini break was certainly an experience in every sense Down at the beach I lay down, burning to an absolute crisp and revaluated the past few weeks and what is most important to me. It’s then a realised I’m doing too much and need to slow down. I left my phone in the apartment whenever we went out and felt like i had gained a sense of freedom. My phone has done nothing but ping lately, to the point that I have silenced most of my notifications. Luckily I had my picture mad friend to document the whole thing.

So from my holiday revaluation I will be doing the following:

– Making more time for myself, get back to enjoying nature again

– Slowing down with the modelling, one or two shoots a month is totally fine!

– Make time to meditate and practice yoga and eat well

– Continue to write this blog and spill my emotional beans all over the place

– Continue to make my little home a happy place to escape, which isn’t hard as I am in heaven as soon as I walk through the door.

– Using social media a lot less, apart from my modelling page occasionally.

– Carrying on smiling, laughing and being positive when faced with any negativity.

I am one day in to slowing down and i already feel so much better again 🙂

The difference a year can make


Exactly a year ago today,  I was sat on my mates couch drinking vodka, getting ready to pack my life into bin bags, move back home and start all over again.

Fast forward a year, I’m sat on a beach looking out to sea and listening to the waves crashing on the rocks. 

A lot has changed over the past year,  not only my situation but my whole mind set. I’m much more positive, confident and I seem to be spilling my emotional beans all over the place, something I never thought I’d be able to do. Since doing so,not only have I changed but people’s attitudes towards me have changed. I seem to be meeting people with the exact same thinking as me and I have been given some amazing opportunities so I have a lot more to get exited about this year.

I’ve learnt how to be on my own again and to enjoy my own company, I’ve also got my creative side back and haven’t stopped laughing for the past few months, especially at the most random things!

The last few days I have spent with my beautifully bonkers friend at her home in Spain and have had an absolute ball, just what I needed. Not only did I totally conquer my fear of flying and flown completely alone (anxiety free) but I went on a bar crawl and ended up spray painted as a giraffe/zebra style thing. Both things I never thought I would do, especially in Magaluf!!

Tomorrow I will be spending my last few hours drifting about in the sea and jumping over waves again before I head back to reality, straight in to work.. but that doesn’t bother me i the slightest. I couldn’t be happier than I am right now ❤

Although all this positivity may change tomorrow..as someone forgot to put sun cream on their face and it’s been around 100 degrees today!

Week off?..completed it mate

WebLoop_LivingTheDream-e1393608887666

So I have had a whole week off work, which I was totally dreading. I had visions of me going all Bridget Jones, downing wine and screeching along to ‘all by myself’. I had even bought the ice cream ready, mint chocolate chip, what else?! I could cope with a whole week of wine and ice cream, although I don’t think my neighbors would have felt the same with my singing.

I’m nearing the end to that week off and actually haven’t stopped until right now; my phone literally hasn’t stopped with messages and emails. Not only have I had the chance to catch up with family and friends but I managed to squeeze in two amazing shoots. One in Liverpool, a pure cheesecake pin up one putting own my spin on a Gil Elvgren painting which I am obsessed with; the second one was a boudoir shoot in Manchester. I was totally comfortable with the pin up one as I am getting used to the yoga style moves to get into certain poses but didn’t know what to expect from the boudoir shoot. I had posed a bit in lingerie but never a burlesque theme. I must have been comfortable right from the start as I nailed each pose on the first shot. Plus when the photographer asks the reason for the shoot and says ‘well it’s clearly not to boost your confidence’, you know you’re on to a winner. I was always confident about my body when i was younger, something i had lost over the past 6 or so years. I knew prancing around that studio in my stockings, not even trying to suck my belly in, or caring about my cellulite or my nice shiny silver stretch marks that my body confidence has come back with vengeance.

So this weekend I’m having to totally recharge my batteries before another busy week ahead, back to work for 4 shifts, then two more shoots and heading straight to the airport after Sundays networking shoot. I know I should possibly take my time with this pin up malarkey but at the minute I’m loving it and starting to actually get somewhere, not bad for only two months in. I can’t quite believe how it’s all working out and still feel a bit uncomfortable at times when people pass comment as I don’t know how to take a compliment at all, well without sounding sarcastic. Once you start believing you can actually achieve a day dream, it’s surprising how quick you get in to it.  Plus when I’m burnt out and shattered, I can revert to my first plan and grab my tub of ice cream from the freezer and piss off the neighbors!

11:11

Last night while in work I made the decision to pack in the whole pin up modelling thing, I got sick of looking at my own face and trying to promote my pages, thinking it’s going no where and essentially feeling like a dick promoting myself, which has always made me feel uncomfortable!

I woke up today ready to get rid of my pages, save my pictures and put it all down to experience. Then I started to see little signs. I woke to check my clock at 11.11, my car miles on the way to the gym were 111, my heart rate on the devils cross trainer was 111, then I looked at 11.11 mins left, then 1.11 mins to go and 1.11 mins on the rower.

I’m a huge believer in the whole 11.11 thing, that it is a sign that your doing everything the way you should be at that very minute. 

The first time I had ever seen it was after I had packed up my life and returned home, after crying at my wheel for 10 mins and my lovely Mum coming out to hug me,I looked at the clock on my car..11.11..it has since been everywhere,especially around when I’m making a decision, like the day I viewed my flat..which turned out to be my best decision yet.

Fast forward to this afternoon..as I was walking out of the gym, I had a phone call from a studio to tell me that I had won a Facebook competition for a burlesque style shoot, which is exactly how I got in to pin up, winning a facebook comp! Tonight, I have also been offered 3 more shoots. Time to quit doubting myself and stay positive..I could always blag a PA to sort my promotions out 😂

Ruby Wilde..Pin Up

Now I am back to being a confident little sausage again, I’ve decided to take the plunge into pin up modelling. It’s something I have wanted to do for ages, ever since my first shoot with Alt Studio in Manchester, a shoot that I won on Facebook! I had never even thought of modelling or anything pin up related before that, apart from loving a bit of Audrey, Marilyn and the gorgeous Lauren Bacall in the old Hollywood movies but who doesn’t. I have debated it for ages, constantly talking myself out of it with more self-doubt. Then I saw an Instagram post asking for submissions to a new pin up magazine and thought why the hell not, they can only say no. they actually accepted them!

I have had three shoots so far. One a fun 50’s pin up on location in new Brighton/Port Sunlight, the second a 60’s shoot around the gorgeous buildings in Liverpool and todays was a lingerie style shoot with military gear. I enjoyed all three so much and managed to get some fantastic images. I have finally found a hobby that I actually really enjoy, although it can be hard work.

My first shoot in over two years went abit like this..

20 mins of coconut oil pulling, a pin curl set, full face of makeup and keeping everything crossed that my only pair of sheer stockings didn’t ladder on the way up! I was over the moon that all of the above had gone perfect, which isn’t my usual style. Then I got to my car outside to see that it had been redecorated by what looks like a synchronised team of homing pigeons. Clearly I fitted right in, dressed all glam, sat in a metal tin of absolute shite. Then the tunnel was heaving and the car park we had agreed to meet was chocker too. Thankfully it got better from there, apart from me accidentally flashing a cyclist, they really are hard to spot!

Planning a shoot can be tough, finding the right photographer, arranging an appropriate date and idea is just the start. Then there is choosing the right outfit, luckily I have quite a varied pin up and vintage wardrobe ready to be put to good use! Then if you can’t find a make-up artist or hairdresser willing to collaborate on a TF (time for) basis, you need to practice the look until your happy, something that I have always played along with anyway. The night before, I usually do 15-20 mins of coconut oil pulling, my preening & body prep and try to get good night’s sleep. Before today’s shoot, I had a quick 20min meditation when I woke up, followed by a nice breakfast ready for the afternoon ahead. One thing I have learnt from this modelling malarkey, I really need to work on my core fitness! Although I can get into most poses and hold them without shaking like a shitting dog but I definitely need some work.

This week I have another shoot booked at a networking event for models and photographers at an amazing old manor house which will be a great opportunity to get my little face out there and make some contacts. I also have a few more ideas for fun shoots, as well as making a military style calendar for charity, something I have always wanted to do, even if it only sells one, it’s all for a good cause.

I have posted some pics from various shoots above but feel free to check out my facebook page @rubywildepinup or Instagram @rubywildepinup which will be updated after most shoots!

29 and Awesome!

IM-SORRY-I-COULD-NOT-HEAR-YOU-OVER-HOW-AWESOME-I-AM

Last week, I hit the milestone of the final year of my 20’s. This was a terrifying thought for all involved, who keep reminding me that I need to enjoy my 20’s while it lasts. I’ll admit, thanks to this I did have a teeny tiny freak out but I eventually told myself to get a grip. I actually can’t wait to turn 30. I am setting no goals or plans to hit at all, I don’t care if I will be single or taken, that I will still be asked for ID everywhere, that I don’t own my own house or what I will be doing in life at that time. I will hit 30 pressure free 🙂

My minor quarter life crisis included me thinking that I needed to sort out every area in my life right now, making me think that most of it was going wrong, when in fact it’s all actually bloody brilliant! I have my lovely family, a job, a roof over my head and food in my cupboards. What more could a girl need?!

My crisis point did have some lasting effects. I have continued to do meditation and yoga, still playing my ukulele and moaning about useless shit I can’t change a lot less. I am taking the time to do things that I have always wanted to do, including doing pin up shoots and not actually caring about people’s opinions.

One thing that didn’t stick was my ‘alcohol free april’. I genuinely don’t give a shit that I failed at this one. I had a brilliant day/night out with my lovely family and just as good a day recovery on Sunday.

I am five days in to being 29 and i’m living the dream. In February i relocated to a totally new area, away from my family and friends, somewhere that I had only drove through once and didn’t know a soul. I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone thinking it would challenge me, so far it has indeed! As cliché as it sounds I have actually rediscovered something I had been looking for. I am totally back to being myself, the person that I hadn’t seen for over 8ish years. We have all been there, when people try to make you feel like a bag of hot, sweaty shite. Nasty comments said at the right time can send you on that downward spiral of self-hatred and make you believe every put down. Not anymore. I know my worth, I’m not those names that I have been called and while I am not perfect, I love my imperfections!

So what if I swear like a Docker, love a drink, wear old clothes, choose to dye my hair ginger, don’t have the perfect figure, I’m stubborn as hell and the height of a midget. I couldn’t care less, in fact..i’m awesome and i love it!

Decorate your soul

flowers

Since my latest epiphany, that I need to start loving myself, I realised one other thing..i have no idea where to start. I have hardly ever liked myself and now I am expected to try this love stuff out, Jesus! Obviously I defaulted to my usual trait of making a list, but not before doing some googling and deep thinking. So here is my own idea of how I think I need to approach this change;

  1. Let go of the guilt and hatred for yourself for past mistakes, don’t be critical of yourself, other people do that enough, learn from your lessons
  2. Date yourself – go to the movies, to a nice restaurant, buy yourself flowers, treat yourself how you would want to be treated on a date
  3. Travel somewhere alone – to a place you have never been before
  4. Pamper yourself – go for that massage, use bath bombs, face masks, do your hair & make up
  5. Write yourself a letter- about your achievements, what you are proud of, the qualities that people never see, your quirks, your naughty habits, write what you need to hear
  6. Make time for a new hobby – read up on something you are interested in
  7. Learn to be vulnerable with the people you care about
  8. Look at yourself from someone else’s perspective
  9. Celebrate yourself, be kind to yourself, don’t rely on anyone else for your happiness
  10. Learn to love your edges and flaws – no one is perfect, why would you accept someone else’s imperfections and not your own?

My note book will be busy these next few weeks, not only will I be writing myself this so called ‘letter of love’ but I fully intend to get to know myself. My hopes, dreams, fears, achievements, strengths and weaknesses. You would think that you know yourself as we all spend that much time in our own heads but it is usually thinking of other people; how they feel, what they want, if you are doing right by others. It is only when you sit down with that pen and paper do you start to figure out who you are. I know that there will be a lot more ways to learn to love yourself, so I am open to more ideas!

Learn to love yourself

‘You cannot be lonely if you like the person your alone with’ Wayne Dyer

love yourself

After a particularly emotional week, full of guilt, tears and one of the worst possible jobs you can attend whilst working for an ambulance service, I have had my eyes opened. It is time for yet another change; I am going to embrace being a spiritual thinking little soul.

Since I was a teenager, I have always felt like there was a part of me missing, that feeling of always needing to find something or someone to complete me. I always thought that it was a specific issue that left me feeling this way. Even once that issue was resolved, the lost feeling didn’t leave. I tried to fill it with relationships, alcohol, fashion, shopping and friends and it would work for a while. I have always been looking or searching for something that was right inside me all along; its not another person i need to fill the lost, empty feeling i have, I just needed to find myself. I realise that I need to learn to accept my past mistakes, let go of them and move on. After all they have led me right now; they have contributed to the person that I am today. I need to learn to love myself. After all how can you expect anyone else to love you if you don’t love yourself?

I have really struggled in the past. I have hated myself for various reasons. I hated my body, my stomach, that I was chunky as a teenager, my angry red stretchmarks, then I hated my shiny silver ones, I hated that I had such big boobs for such a small person, I hated that this was what people tended to notice about me, I hated how shy I was, how short I was, how drunk I get, the person that drink turns me into, hated how promiscuous I have been in the past, I hated how I felt needy and emotional, hated myself if I cried in front of anyone, I hated that I couldn’t stand up for myself, that I usually say the wrong thing in group conversations, how stubborn I am, I hated how full on I can be. I hate that I listened to other people, when someone tries to project their thoughts or what they dislike about me, I believed and hated.

Now, as I near 29, I am learning to love myself. I love my body and my un-perfect figure, my little ‘family belly’ passed down our family that never goes. I love my stretch marks. I don’t care about the size of my boobs anymore, I realise that only the shallowest of people will take notice and not see me for who I am. I love how short and small I am, I saved a small fortune buying a child’s pair of glasses and boots. I like being shy when I first meet people, I feel it leaves an air of mystery. I am learning that alcohol isnt the answer to most situations, in fact it will make them worse, I am slowly learning how to change my patterns of behaviour. I have accepted my previous mistakes that have come out of alcohol and raised my standards a hell of a lot, I have let go of the guilt that I have been holding on to. I know that its ok to be needy at times, I still hate crying in front of people but i am learning.  I accept that I am stubborn and being full on is just an outlet of excitement! As for what I say in conversations, who’s arsed though, really?! I no longer listen to other people’s thoughts, so what if you think I am boring, dress like a 60’s throw back or swear too much, keep your passive aggressive comments to yourself. I now know that these are the other persons issues, not my own, it is their ego talking.

I now realise that this is all in the past. In order to move on and live a happy, guilt free life, I need to accept both my achievements and failures. I need to understand that it is ok to fail, that I will fail on occasion but I will also succeed a lot more. I believe that everything happens for a reason, certain people come and go, some are a lesson and some a blessing. I am learning a lot about myself lately and I realise that the past few years have been a huge learning curve.

I am now happy with the way things are going. My confidence has had a serious boost, i am loving spending time alone, i love the mini challenges i have set for myself and i am loving actually reaching my little goals.

So now I have set myself two big challenges. Not only will I become a positive thinking person with bags of confidence, I will also do something I never thought possible, I will learn to love myself.