Getting back to being positive

Since I have made a few little changes to my life, I have felt like I am literally high on life over the past few months and I have noticed a big difference in most areas of my life. Now, I spend less time in my own head worrying and stressing about the past or future and no more trying to second guess every situation to come. I have been doing a fair bit of reading up on this positive thinking malarkey and have seen the phrase ‘live in the present’ banded about everywhere. I totally agree with this, we all spend too much time willing on our days off, holidays, planning for the future and waiting for something to happen that we forget to live our lives at that minute, we take it for granted. This was the hardest thing to do for me as my mind tends to wander a hell of a lot. It had taken a while and lots of telling myself to get a grip and stop over thinking but I am getting there, with the minor relapse; I have an imagination that loves to take over!

The past few days I have been trying to fight off the little negative niggles of self-doubt in my mind, which I am putting down to a few things: hormones, dating crap, night shifts, very little sleep and doing too much. I hadn’t realised I had slipped back into being a bit negative until I started going through my pin up pictures, scrutinising them and thinking of giving up, telling myself I’m not slim enough, pretty enough or have the right kind of look. Even when I have been let down by people that I know are totally flaky, thinking it was down to something I had done and not that it’s them just being their flaky selves.

I have been on a mission lately, like a woman possessed trying to fill my days off so I’m not sat in doing nothing, so much so that I have actually felt drained. Between hitting the gym, dating and planning and going for pin up shoots, I had totally forgotten to take time out for myself to chill and enjoy my lovely little home, which is what I am doing right now. The ‘healthy’ eating has been thrown out, I am eating my body weight in chocolate and biscuits and binging on Peep Show whilst I’m in night mode.

I am having a day or two away from the world of pin up modelling, life planning and healthy eating and I am removing myself from the shitty world of dating and focusing on myself again. Back to falling over doing yoga, falling asleep trying to meditate and forgetting that other people can hear me singing whilst walking around the park with my headphones in, i have missed those funny looks. Time to recharge my little brain and get back into the positive thinking zone.

A minor dating app rant..

It’s safe to say I’m learning ALOT from online dating..such as most people you speak to are arseholes..most, not all.
Has the art of vaguely normal communication started to fade? Most guys I have messaged over these glorious dating apps seem fairly decent, then you get hit with a passive aggressive response.

One example, I had my notifications turned off, replied to a message from 3 days before with the standard apology and ‘what have you been upto?’ Question, his response..’oh nothing just sat here waiting for a reply and being single’. Jesus H Christ. UNMATCHED

Also If you are going to ask me the worlds shittest question, like what my favourite ice cream is, don’t expect an enthusiastic reply, or anything more than ‘mint chocolate chip’.  Responding with SOUND 🙄 was a fantastic reply, maybe instead of scrolling to the rolling eyes emoji, you should up your questions game. UNMATCHED

Yesterday, I had a little experiment with someone who is obsessed with sending a ‘giff’ instead of a hello for the first message and was getting  o replies. How ridiculous, no one would reply to that. So, I sent one as a social experiment..it totally backfired. I had a reply with a few 😂 faces and saying how it was an amazing introduction. Total backfire!! again..UNMATCHED

I am genuinely convinced that soon, all replies will be in an emoji format. It’s definetly already started, with replies like ‘lol 😂 haha’, how do you respond to that, im sure that’s a closed message..’lol 😂’  When the language of emoji takes over.. expect one of two replies from me:

🛎🔚 OR W⚓️

Maybe I’m a tad bored with dating apps now!

A classic case of ‘no spark’

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It is 12.00am on a Friday morning. I have not long got home from another first date. It appears I still haven’t learnt my lesson, that I attract guys from the strange walks of life. Unfortunately I cannot blame Tinder for this one, I totally blame Bumble and my own lack of judgement.

So, spending the night swiping through the app I looked at this guy’s profile. Instead of pictures of him in Thailand on some exotic animal, wrestling a tiger or skiing, there was a fancy dress picture of him in a dress. Fair play I thought, it was certainly different and quite cute, he also described himself as the real Ross Gellar. So as per bumble rules, I had to message within 24hrs. I sent a message complimenting on his ability to pull off a dress, wig and knee high socks. After a few messages we were getting on really well, seemed to have the same humour and both liked similar music, always a winner. After a few days chatting we swapped numbers and arranged a date, to some quirky bar with my kind of music. I wasn’t really nervous or bothered about this one, I thought of it as just going out with a mate after how well we had gotten on. I didn’t even have an advance outfit planned or hair & make up, not like me at all. I always have a date outfit planned at least 3 days in advance in my head!

I turned up early for once; he was sat waiting with a White Russian (WTF milk on a night out?!) for himself and a standard southern comfort for me. First impressions, not at all what I would normally go for at all but he came across alright. He looked a lot different from his pictures and had the strangest accent that took me by surprise, almost as much as how he pronounced the word ‘practice’ as ‘pratice’. We had a nice chat but it quickly became apparent that it was all business. I didn’t fancy him at all, no little sparks, no laughs and there weren’t enough pints in the word that would tempt me to a sleepover! He pointed out that he had small hands for some reason, then I was mesmerized, they made mine look massive, I refrained from a previous small hand joke, totally inappropriate.

I made the excuse that I wanted to beat the late night scramble for a taxi and said I was leaving. He offered me money for my cab, which I didn’t take and walked me to the taxi rank. I gave him a hug, skilfully swerved the attempt at a kiss and gave the ‘thanks for a nice night and it was nice to meet you’ brush off line, which I have learnt is code for ‘thanks but no thanks’. This did not work, as his parting line as i closed the taxi door happy i didn’t get asked for a second date, was ‘I will throw you a text and we will sort something out’. I clearly need to come up with a more inventive/brutal way to end dates successfully. i could use a line used on me the other week..’well, i’m sure i will speak to you again at some point’. a personal favorite brush off, straight to the point, leaving no room for hope.

I am a firm believer in personality, laughter and butterflies; I’m not one to go for looks. Looks fade over time, so if you’re with some absolute wanker who is hot as hell, eventually when their looks fade away, you will be left with just an absolute wanker.

With that said, they should ideally be a two pint minimum on the sleepover scale.

To date or not to date!

I am now around 6 months into this dating malarkey and all I can say is it has been emotional to say the least. Since my last dating post about the three lovely fella’s I dated from tinder, I have yet to go on another. The experience of the giraffe kisser, inappropriate joker and the guy with the dodgy movie choice may have put me off slightly. Since then I have spoken to a few guys, we have swapped numbers and exchanged numerous ‘normal’ messages then it doesn’t go anywhere. Which I am secretly happy about, I have started to plan a few dates then realised I actually don’t want to go on one. I don’t feel the need to go out and date just because I can, even if it would provide me with another funny story to add to my dating collection and a free meal. Considering I only seem to attract freaks at the minute, I’m definitely wary! Plus the smallest thing puts me off, those roll eye emoji’s in conversations piss me off straight away, roll your eyes in someone else’s inbox, passive aggressive comments will make you sound like a total wanker and anyone who wants to hit me with some ‘life lessons’, I’m good thanks, at least have a normal conversation before you try to change my mindset. So unless the conversation is flowing nicely, i’m getting good vibes and the guy doesn’t say lol or call me hun all the time, i wont be playing out, i will be washing my hair or i’ll have to stay in to tape the 40 year old virgin on VHS in case ITV decide to stop showing it.

I haven’t been on a date since January, it feels like two weeks ago not months! Last week my single curiosity got the better of me though, when I heard about a new dating app called ‘bumble’. I felt like I was missing out, so the obvious thing was to sign up straight away and have a nosey at these blokes who have swerved Tinder in search of a better place. I had forgotten how addictive these dating apps are! This app is different to tinder, the girl has to send the first message within 24hrs, then the guy has to reply in 24hrs or the match disappears. So i have been trying to thing of witty one liners to open with and failing miserably. It would seem that no one can hold a conversation, i need to get back to going out and letting alcohol make my dating decisions again, as that has worked out amazingly so far..

What i have learnt, according to some secret rule, on a guy’s profile they must have pictures including snowboarding, on a mountain, some sort of wild animal, one in Thailand and with a random girl. Also, what is everyone’s obsession with height? Apparently this is a big thing in the girl world, something that I have never even thought about! Surly one of the main questions to address should be shoe choice instead?! Tall, dark and shit shoes does not make a perfect match.

Ruby Wilde..Pin Up

Now I am back to being a confident little sausage again, I’ve decided to take the plunge into pin up modelling. It’s something I have wanted to do for ages, ever since my first shoot with Alt Studio in Manchester, a shoot that I won on Facebook! I had never even thought of modelling or anything pin up related before that, apart from loving a bit of Audrey, Marilyn and the gorgeous Lauren Bacall in the old Hollywood movies but who doesn’t. I have debated it for ages, constantly talking myself out of it with more self-doubt. Then I saw an Instagram post asking for submissions to a new pin up magazine and thought why the hell not, they can only say no. they actually accepted them!

I have had three shoots so far. One a fun 50’s pin up on location in new Brighton/Port Sunlight, the second a 60’s shoot around the gorgeous buildings in Liverpool and todays was a lingerie style shoot with military gear. I enjoyed all three so much and managed to get some fantastic images. I have finally found a hobby that I actually really enjoy, although it can be hard work.

My first shoot in over two years went abit like this..

20 mins of coconut oil pulling, a pin curl set, full face of makeup and keeping everything crossed that my only pair of sheer stockings didn’t ladder on the way up! I was over the moon that all of the above had gone perfect, which isn’t my usual style. Then I got to my car outside to see that it had been redecorated by what looks like a synchronised team of homing pigeons. Clearly I fitted right in, dressed all glam, sat in a metal tin of absolute shite. Then the tunnel was heaving and the car park we had agreed to meet was chocker too. Thankfully it got better from there, apart from me accidentally flashing a cyclist, they really are hard to spot!

Planning a shoot can be tough, finding the right photographer, arranging an appropriate date and idea is just the start. Then there is choosing the right outfit, luckily I have quite a varied pin up and vintage wardrobe ready to be put to good use! Then if you can’t find a make-up artist or hairdresser willing to collaborate on a TF (time for) basis, you need to practice the look until your happy, something that I have always played along with anyway. The night before, I usually do 15-20 mins of coconut oil pulling, my preening & body prep and try to get good night’s sleep. Before today’s shoot, I had a quick 20min meditation when I woke up, followed by a nice breakfast ready for the afternoon ahead. One thing I have learnt from this modelling malarkey, I really need to work on my core fitness! Although I can get into most poses and hold them without shaking like a shitting dog but I definitely need some work.

This week I have another shoot booked at a networking event for models and photographers at an amazing old manor house which will be a great opportunity to get my little face out there and make some contacts. I also have a few more ideas for fun shoots, as well as making a military style calendar for charity, something I have always wanted to do, even if it only sells one, it’s all for a good cause.

I have posted some pics from various shoots above but feel free to check out my facebook page @rubywildepinup or Instagram @rubywildepinup which will be updated after most shoots!

29 and Awesome!

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Last week, I hit the milestone of the final year of my 20’s. This was a terrifying thought for all involved, who keep reminding me that I need to enjoy my 20’s while it lasts. I’ll admit, thanks to this I did have a teeny tiny freak out but I eventually told myself to get a grip. I actually can’t wait to turn 30. I am setting no goals or plans to hit at all, I don’t care if I will be single or taken, that I will still be asked for ID everywhere, that I don’t own my own house or what I will be doing in life at that time. I will hit 30 pressure free 🙂

My minor quarter life crisis included me thinking that I needed to sort out every area in my life right now, making me think that most of it was going wrong, when in fact it’s all actually bloody brilliant! I have my lovely family, a job, a roof over my head and food in my cupboards. What more could a girl need?!

My crisis point did have some lasting effects. I have continued to do meditation and yoga, still playing my ukulele and moaning about useless shit I can’t change a lot less. I am taking the time to do things that I have always wanted to do, including doing pin up shoots and not actually caring about people’s opinions.

One thing that didn’t stick was my ‘alcohol free april’. I genuinely don’t give a shit that I failed at this one. I had a brilliant day/night out with my lovely family and just as good a day recovery on Sunday.

I am five days in to being 29 and i’m living the dream. In February i relocated to a totally new area, away from my family and friends, somewhere that I had only drove through once and didn’t know a soul. I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone thinking it would challenge me, so far it has indeed! As cliché as it sounds I have actually rediscovered something I had been looking for. I am totally back to being myself, the person that I hadn’t seen for over 8ish years. We have all been there, when people try to make you feel like a bag of hot, sweaty shite. Nasty comments said at the right time can send you on that downward spiral of self-hatred and make you believe every put down. Not anymore. I know my worth, I’m not those names that I have been called and while I am not perfect, I love my imperfections!

So what if I swear like a Docker, love a drink, wear old clothes, choose to dye my hair ginger, don’t have the perfect figure, I’m stubborn as hell and the height of a midget. I couldn’t care less, in fact..i’m awesome and i love it!

10 Things i love & hate

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Things I Love

  1. Clothes – I love how they can change your mood. Getting dolled up to go out or even just to do nothing and getting an instant confidence boost. Or putting on a silk night dress, best.feeling.ever.
  2. Music – Again, I love how it can change your mood. If I am mildly irritated I throw on my favorite ones to screech along too, my mood vanishes! The amount of playlists I have is ridiculous. Driving to work, driving home, day off, running, moving house, chilled, bath playlist, getting ready playlist and a new music playlist.
  3. My family – fairly obvious one but I do. They say you can’t choose your family, something I am totally ok with as mine are amazing. The right mix of bonkers, we all actually get along and we throw a bloody good party. We are known to have withdrawals if there’s too big a gap between parties!
  4. Vintage things – clothes, music, make up & hair! Back from when ladies dressed as ladies and guys wore suits, everyone made an effort and clothes were made to last.
  5. Coconut oil – the stuff of gods. I do my veg in it, put it in rice, over meat, in my bath, take my make up off with it, put it on my new tattoo and I’ve started oil pulling with it, which totally works. I want to be embalmed in the stuff when the time comes.
  6. Being a bit weird – I love being secretly weird, speaks for itself.
  7. People who can make me laugh by saying hardly anything – someone who just has to give you a certain look and you know exactly what they are getting at, that’s a true art form.
  8. Flowers – I buy myself flowers every week, proper essential purchase. I love how they brighten a room up and the fact something as pretty as tulips can come through mud gives hope for us all.
  9. Noel Gallagher – His hair, his eyebrows, his mahoosive ego, his music, the way he speaks of his wife. Basically everything. Hes one cool fucker.
  10. The Lake District – I instantly chill as soon as I am in Cumbria, that wave of loveliness washes over me and my thoughts are left somewhere else. You can’t beat stomping up a mountain with some amazing music blaring into your ears and the peace and quiet at the top, amazing.

 

Thinks I hate/mildly dislike

  1. Loud eaters – there is no need to chew with your massive gob open, or sound like a pug when your inhaling your food. I don’t care what your sandwich sounds like.
  2. Rudeness – being rude for no reason, why waste your energy. Crack a bloody smile once in a while, it’s not all that bad.
  3. Filling my car up – I have no idea why, but I hate it. Yet I always leave it until the last 5 or so miles and frustrate myself even more.
  4. Polystyrene – whoever invented this stuff deserves a poke in the eye. I moved 2 months ago and im still finding the stuff everywhere. It probably doesn’t help that I don’t actually own a hoover, im totally blaming the polystyrene.
  5. Fake laughs – sitting next to one of these creatures is just embarrassing, I tend to exit stage left at the sound of one.
  6. Useless/hurtful gossip – we are all guilty of a gossip but don’t spread useless shite or plain lies. So what if your cousin’s aunties brothers dog has had the best dog bath ever or that your next door neighbour is having an affair with someone else I couldn’t care less about. What the hell am I going to do with that information, if it doesn’t make me chuckle, don’t bloody tell me.
  7. Cauliflower cheese – this stuff is revolting, disgusting and downright offensive in every way possible. I was forced to eat this in primary school. I warned the dinner lady of its evilness but she stood over me and made me eat it like the Truchbull from Matilda. This was swiftly followed by me erupting it back up and clearing the dining room.
  8. Sue Perkins – I can’t explain why, she is like my version of nails across a chalkboard. To say she grinds my gears would be a major understatement.
  9. Modern clothing sizes – how can I be an 8 in one shop and a 14 in another?!
  10. Moomins – those bloomin moomins haunted me as a child, literally, I had so many nightmares about them chasing me. Those wide eyes and no mouth. They were the scariest thing ever. These people who have a fear of clowns, clowns have nothing on them!

I also hate the fact that i have just googled Moomins. They still freak me out. i will however not google Sue Perkins, that’s a step i am not willing to take.

Living the dream

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Its Friday night, I am off work and I am sober. In other news, hell has frozen over. I am well and truly powering through my alcohol free April and finding it a lot easier than I thought I would! I don’t miss my ‘one glass that turns into a bottle’ of wine after work, my night off beers or my raging hangovers that leave me screaming into the bog all day. In fact I am sat here, doing my usual Friday night routine of watching BBC 4’s music documentaries and drinking alcohol free wine or Chenin Blanc, Tesco’s finest don’t you know, allegedly.

At the start of this I thought great, I will lose the few evil pounds that have crept on since my breakup diet ended and I would save a fair bit of wedge. Instead of this, I seem to have done the total opposite. I have replaced buying alcohol with chocolate, popcorn, copious amount of carbs and shopping. In my defence, my shopping has been mainly Vintage for a photoshoot so I’m not counting that. Also, flowers, candles, face masks and lush bath bombs are all essential purchases right?!

Now I am not spending my days like a hot mess and feeling sorry for myself, I had no idea what to do. So I’ve started learning my ukulele, trying to get my head into meditating, attempted yoga, attempted running, arranging and planning photo shoots and I spend more time in the park than the ducks. I now drink herbal tea too and I’m loving all of it. I may have to change my name again now I’m a new woman!

A few people who know me, those that know I can drink most under the table before turning into an emotional mess and ruining my life, say that I can’t do it. Next week, the impending birthday night out, will be the big one. Now I am more looking forward to throwing my vintage dress on and enjoying my meal knowing that I won’t see it again in the morning. PREACH.

So cheers to everyone having a drink, enjoy your hangover, I will be joining you at 00.00 on 1st May and hammered by 00.02.

Decorate your soul

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Since my latest epiphany, that I need to start loving myself, I realised one other thing..i have no idea where to start. I have hardly ever liked myself and now I am expected to try this love stuff out, Jesus! Obviously I defaulted to my usual trait of making a list, but not before doing some googling and deep thinking. So here is my own idea of how I think I need to approach this change;

  1. Let go of the guilt and hatred for yourself for past mistakes, don’t be critical of yourself, other people do that enough, learn from your lessons
  2. Date yourself – go to the movies, to a nice restaurant, buy yourself flowers, treat yourself how you would want to be treated on a date
  3. Travel somewhere alone – to a place you have never been before
  4. Pamper yourself – go for that massage, use bath bombs, face masks, do your hair & make up
  5. Write yourself a letter- about your achievements, what you are proud of, the qualities that people never see, your quirks, your naughty habits, write what you need to hear
  6. Make time for a new hobby – read up on something you are interested in
  7. Learn to be vulnerable with the people you care about
  8. Look at yourself from someone else’s perspective
  9. Celebrate yourself, be kind to yourself, don’t rely on anyone else for your happiness
  10. Learn to love your edges and flaws – no one is perfect, why would you accept someone else’s imperfections and not your own?

My note book will be busy these next few weeks, not only will I be writing myself this so called ‘letter of love’ but I fully intend to get to know myself. My hopes, dreams, fears, achievements, strengths and weaknesses. You would think that you know yourself as we all spend that much time in our own heads but it is usually thinking of other people; how they feel, what they want, if you are doing right by others. It is only when you sit down with that pen and paper do you start to figure out who you are. I know that there will be a lot more ways to learn to love yourself, so I am open to more ideas!

Meditation fail


So last night, after weeks of ‘not having time’ I attempted my first meditation session. I had spent ages reading through the benefits of it, thinking I would become a zen-like goddess after my first session..this was not the case.

A friend who is into this meditation malarkey advised me to try a 20 min guided meditation on YouTube. Off I went to bed, turned all the lights off and threw my headphones in, lying like I had been laid out to rest. I hit play and heard a very nice relaxing voice, with a rather loud ticking clock in the background. I tried to ignore it, relax and focus on my breathing like it said..for all of 3 mins.

At this point I turned into Dustin Hoffman in Hook. I had to smash the fuckers up. I had failed in my mission to become spiritually chilled and had done the total opposite, I had wound myself up something fierce.

I have two clocks in my bedroom, a cute vintage style bedside one and a big rose gold one on the wall. The ticks and tocks became unbearable over the sound of this chilled guys voice. So I hit the pause button, saying something along the lines of ‘for fuck sake I’m trying to chill here’ to no one, threw the big light on and removed the clock. I put it on the floor and covered it with blankets and all kinds of noise cancelling crap,still ticking but very muffled.  I decided against smashing it up, it’s quite a nice clock after all.

By the time I turned the light off again, attempted a swan dive on to my bed and hit play again,it took me the rest of the meditation to chill out. The point it did,the adverts came on and I shit myself. If that’s how I deal with trying to chill with meditation, trying yoga should be a breeze!

Maybe I am getting meditation and medication mixed up?!

There’s always tomorrow to be a zen-like master I suppose.