The difference a year can make


Exactly a year ago today,  I was sat on my mates couch drinking vodka, getting ready to pack my life into bin bags, move back home and start all over again.

Fast forward a year, I’m sat on a beach looking out to sea and listening to the waves crashing on the rocks. 

A lot has changed over the past year,  not only my situation but my whole mind set. I’m much more positive, confident and I seem to be spilling my emotional beans all over the place, something I never thought I’d be able to do. Since doing so,not only have I changed but people’s attitudes towards me have changed. I seem to be meeting people with the exact same thinking as me and I have been given some amazing opportunities so I have a lot more to get exited about this year.

I’ve learnt how to be on my own again and to enjoy my own company, I’ve also got my creative side back and haven’t stopped laughing for the past few months, especially at the most random things!

The last few days I have spent with my beautifully bonkers friend at her home in Spain and have had an absolute ball, just what I needed. Not only did I totally conquer my fear of flying and flown completely alone (anxiety free) but I went on a bar crawl and ended up spray painted as a giraffe/zebra style thing. Both things I never thought I would do, especially in Magaluf!!

Tomorrow I will be spending my last few hours drifting about in the sea and jumping over waves again before I head back to reality, straight in to work.. but that doesn’t bother me i the slightest. I couldn’t be happier than I am right now ❤

Although all this positivity may change tomorrow..as someone forgot to put sun cream on their face and it’s been around 100 degrees today!

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Week off?..completed it mate

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So I have had a whole week off work, which I was totally dreading. I had visions of me going all Bridget Jones, downing wine and screeching along to ‘all by myself’. I had even bought the ice cream ready, mint chocolate chip, what else?! I could cope with a whole week of wine and ice cream, although I don’t think my neighbors would have felt the same with my singing.

I’m nearing the end to that week off and actually haven’t stopped until right now; my phone literally hasn’t stopped with messages and emails. Not only have I had the chance to catch up with family and friends but I managed to squeeze in two amazing shoots. One in Liverpool, a pure cheesecake pin up one putting own my spin on a Gil Elvgren painting which I am obsessed with; the second one was a boudoir shoot in Manchester. I was totally comfortable with the pin up one as I am getting used to the yoga style moves to get into certain poses but didn’t know what to expect from the boudoir shoot. I had posed a bit in lingerie but never a burlesque theme. I must have been comfortable right from the start as I nailed each pose on the first shot. Plus when the photographer asks the reason for the shoot and says ‘well it’s clearly not to boost your confidence’, you know you’re on to a winner. I was always confident about my body when i was younger, something i had lost over the past 6 or so years. I knew prancing around that studio in my stockings, not even trying to suck my belly in, or caring about my cellulite or my nice shiny silver stretch marks that my body confidence has come back with vengeance.

So this weekend I’m having to totally recharge my batteries before another busy week ahead, back to work for 4 shifts, then two more shoots and heading straight to the airport after Sundays networking shoot. I know I should possibly take my time with this pin up malarkey but at the minute I’m loving it and starting to actually get somewhere, not bad for only two months in. I can’t quite believe how it’s all working out and still feel a bit uncomfortable at times when people pass comment as I don’t know how to take a compliment at all, well without sounding sarcastic. Once you start believing you can actually achieve a day dream, it’s surprising how quick you get in to it.  Plus when I’m burnt out and shattered, I can revert to my first plan and grab my tub of ice cream from the freezer and piss off the neighbors!

Curse of the Fuck boy/Bad boy

Last time I was single, over 4 ish years ago, there was no such thing as a ‘fuck boy’, there were just dick heads that you would steer clear of. Then last year, I saw the term getting banded around on social media. I always thought the girls who go after these guys are absolute idiots who must know full well what they are getting themselves into. Just like the same idiots who chase after bad boys constantly. It turns out i am now in that idiot category.

My ideas of the difference between a fuck boy and a bad boy;

Bad Boys:

-Exude confidence to the point that it’s contagious

-Unique rebel – will smoke in front of a non-smoking sign

-Claims not to follow trends, then grows a beard and gets a tattoo

-Has a certain cheek that draws you in

-Will flirt with your mates just because he can

-Known for causing trouble or murder with your mates

-Will happily get into a relationship with you, until he finds something shinier to play with

-He’s not one for meeting the rents or making future plans

-Will make no effort to convince you that he isn’t a dick, he totally owns it.

-Their purpose in life is to give you that awesome memory to look back on, that excitement, fun fiery fling to fantasize about when you’re old and not getting any.

Fuck Boys:

-Will reel you in with comments of your future until you are convinced it’s going somewhere, even if it’s an offer to go to Nando’s next month

-Will constantly compliment you while your together, then not speak to you for weeks

-Randomly requests nudes and you know full well they will be shown to his mates

-Appear cheeky and cute, can only hide the dick head undercurrent for at least 3/4 dates

– Speak only in emojis, like the water splashes, tongue and especially that poor, violated marrow thing

– Use terms like ‘dick appointment’, because he is a twat.

-Has the ability to make you forget why you stopped talking, or exchanging emoji’s

-Pretends to be a nice guy but only cares about himself

– Usually very hot, and they know it

-Their idea of flirting is – what would you be doing if I was there now? Or in their vocab – wha wud u be doin if I was ther?

– Their purpose in life is to lead you on and play with your feelings more than they play with you.

My advice to any ladies dating either..

Have that hot, fiery fling with the bad boy, you will need that to reminisce on. Also, you need that one guy that your mates can keep bringing up after every night on the wine.

If you must pick from the fuck boy tree, treat him the same. There is nothing wrong with a disposable fling,  don’t book that table at Nando’s and whatever you do, don’t use that poor marrow plant emoji in conversation!!

To summarise, you know what you are getting with a bad boy, a fuck boy however, is a bit of a snake. I am usually such a good judge of character and bin them off as soon as I get a hint. Although I have to admit, like many others have fallen into the trap of one, hooked on good vibes, the promises of future outings, having amazing nights together and wondering if you could give up your beloved freedom for them. This is not me at all. I can control my emotional beans for ages, these fuck boys are damn good,  damn hot and are actually damn likeable. Now i have learnt to play the game and play it well. Also, these strange alluring creatures are found mostly on Tinder.

The worlds fastest relationship

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Society these days demands everything fast, fast food, fast coffee and apparently fast relationships.

For this one, I have only have Tinder and my own pure curiosity to blame. What happened to tat stupid damn cat again?! So on facebook I got a random message and friend request from a guy, the conversation went like this;

‘Hey, how are you? xx’

‘Do I know you?’

‘No, I just appreciate a pretty face, saw you on facebook and thought I would add you, can we be friends? xx’

‘Sorry I don’t make a habit of adding strange guys from facebook’

‘What makes you think I am a strange guy?’ xx

He clearly didn’t understand a polite-ish brush off when he read one. I ignored that last question, thinking the answer was pretty obvious. A few days later, I received another message.. ’can we be friends? xx’ my first thought, just fuck off please friend..but as I’m one curious cow, I thought I would add him for a snoop. Then followed the ‘likes’ on every post and loads of pictures, followed by messages. It started off just general chit chat, asking about the usual shite. A few messages in, he built his little self-up to ask me out, to which I politely declined by saying that I’m not dating anyone at the minute but thanks anyway. I had deleted Tinder at this point and had hit up bumble, he didn’t know this. He didn’t give up, his reply was that he had seen me initially on tinder, not facebook. So when I tried to explain again that I’m not dating, he suggested a drink as friends. I said that I would let him know when I get some time off and I actually debated going on a cheeky date, as the rest had all gone so well and provided nothing more than pure entertainment.

This is when it all went a bit tits up and passive aggressive. ‘I suppose I will just have to wait and see if you get any time off then’. That was a strong reply that would change my mind if there ever was one. The messages that followed were amazing telling me that I shouldn’t be renting, I should look to buy a place, about money, savings and basically trying to give me life lessons. SOUND. Again, my mind began screaming ‘fuck off pal’. I can’t stand people trying to impart unwanted life lessons on me. I ignored a few more messages asking when I am free, why we can’t go for a drink in between my shifts and that he is not a big drinker anyway.

That night, I was on a night shift and went back on Tinder, again out of pure curiosity, plus talking about my dating disasters, I kind of missed the entertainment! I love how exited people get when they have a go on it, especially when they get over exited and match you with some absolute meat head that looks like he would try to rob the whey protein from a field of cows. I wish I still had that kind of love for Tinder. The next afternoon, I woke to a snotty passive aggressive message from my new friend. It went something along these lines..

‘how’s you? Just saw you on tinder, here’s me waiting for you to ‘give me a shout’. No hard feelings, hope we can stay friends’.

Now, I am not a morning person. I don’t like waking up in general, especially after my usual 4 hours kip after my night shift. Waking up to read that message, the undertone of pissed off surprised me. Plus I doubt we were actually friends?!

My reply was basic.. ‘wow, we all went on it for a laugh in work’ which was technically true.

His next reply gave me a white hot flash of anger.

‘Can you see my point of view though, I can’t see you messaging saying you’re ready to go out for a drink, I guess I will just have to guess which weekend your off. Don’t be angry with me please’ followed by one of those emoji’s with the rolling eyes. Right then dickhead, i cant stand being given the rolling eyes, its way too much emphasis on one small shitty face.

I don’t know if it was the rolling eyes emoji, the passive aggressive wording or the fact I’m not exactly an easy going person with sleep deprivation but I was all of a sudden awake and through my little half asleep squinty eyes, I began to furiously type away. I may have been a tad harsh..

‘First off we are not in a relationship, we haven’t even had a date. I’ve explained my situation to you which you clearly don’t understand. I don’t appreciate waking up to passive aggressive messages at all. I have rid my life of negative idiots who like to speak to me like that and having to explain myself to a total stranger is not what I want. So that’s the last I will say on the matter **thumbs up emoji** im off to work so I don’t want to debate this matter anymore.’ i very nearly threw in the rolling eyes emoji but felt the thumbs up gave more effect.

In my head, this was totally justified and it done the trick as he said to just delete and block him then. What an excellent idea!

So, within the space of around 2 weeks, I had managed to cram in an argument and breakup with someone I had never met, let alone had a date with. Moral of the story, don’t accept random friend requests and don’t piss me off when I’m tired.

11:11

Last night while in work I made the decision to pack in the whole pin up modelling thing, I got sick of looking at my own face and trying to promote my pages, thinking it’s going no where and essentially feeling like a dick promoting myself, which has always made me feel uncomfortable!

I woke up today ready to get rid of my pages, save my pictures and put it all down to experience. Then I started to see little signs. I woke to check my clock at 11.11, my car miles on the way to the gym were 111, my heart rate on the devils cross trainer was 111, then I looked at 11.11 mins left, then 1.11 mins to go and 1.11 mins on the rower.

I’m a huge believer in the whole 11.11 thing, that it is a sign that your doing everything the way you should be at that very minute. 

The first time I had ever seen it was after I had packed up my life and returned home, after crying at my wheel for 10 mins and my lovely Mum coming out to hug me,I looked at the clock on my car..11.11..it has since been everywhere,especially around when I’m making a decision, like the day I viewed my flat..which turned out to be my best decision yet.

Fast forward to this afternoon..as I was walking out of the gym, I had a phone call from a studio to tell me that I had won a Facebook competition for a burlesque style shoot, which is exactly how I got in to pin up, winning a facebook comp! Tonight, I have also been offered 3 more shoots. Time to quit doubting myself and stay positive..I could always blag a PA to sort my promotions out 😂

Getting back to being positive

Since I have made a few little changes to my life, I have felt like I am literally high on life over the past few months and I have noticed a big difference in most areas of my life. Now, I spend less time in my own head worrying and stressing about the past or future and no more trying to second guess every situation to come. I have been doing a fair bit of reading up on this positive thinking malarkey and have seen the phrase ‘live in the present’ banded about everywhere. I totally agree with this, we all spend too much time willing on our days off, holidays, planning for the future and waiting for something to happen that we forget to live our lives at that minute, we take it for granted. This was the hardest thing to do for me as my mind tends to wander a hell of a lot. It had taken a while and lots of telling myself to get a grip and stop over thinking but I am getting there, with the minor relapse; I have an imagination that loves to take over!

The past few days I have been trying to fight off the little negative niggles of self-doubt in my mind, which I am putting down to a few things: hormones, dating crap, night shifts, very little sleep and doing too much. I hadn’t realised I had slipped back into being a bit negative until I started going through my pin up pictures, scrutinising them and thinking of giving up, telling myself I’m not slim enough, pretty enough or have the right kind of look. Even when I have been let down by people that I know are totally flaky, thinking it was down to something I had done and not that it’s them just being their flaky selves.

I have been on a mission lately, like a woman possessed trying to fill my days off so I’m not sat in doing nothing, so much so that I have actually felt drained. Between hitting the gym, dating and planning and going for pin up shoots, I had totally forgotten to take time out for myself to chill and enjoy my lovely little home, which is what I am doing right now. The ‘healthy’ eating has been thrown out, I am eating my body weight in chocolate and biscuits and binging on Peep Show whilst I’m in night mode.

I am having a day or two away from the world of pin up modelling, life planning and healthy eating and I am removing myself from the shitty world of dating and focusing on myself again. Back to falling over doing yoga, falling asleep trying to meditate and forgetting that other people can hear me singing whilst walking around the park with my headphones in, i have missed those funny looks. Time to recharge my little brain and get back into the positive thinking zone.

A minor dating app rant..

It’s safe to say I’m learning ALOT from online dating..such as most people you speak to are arseholes..most, not all.
Has the art of vaguely normal communication started to fade? Most guys I have messaged over these glorious dating apps seem fairly decent, then you get hit with a passive aggressive response.

One example, I had my notifications turned off, replied to a message from 3 days before with the standard apology and ‘what have you been upto?’ Question, his response..’oh nothing just sat here waiting for a reply and being single’. Jesus H Christ. UNMATCHED

Also If you are going to ask me the worlds shittest question, like what my favourite ice cream is, don’t expect an enthusiastic reply, or anything more than ‘mint chocolate chip’.  Responding with SOUND 🙄 was a fantastic reply, maybe instead of scrolling to the rolling eyes emoji, you should up your questions game. UNMATCHED

Yesterday, I had a little experiment with someone who is obsessed with sending a ‘giff’ instead of a hello for the first message and was getting  o replies. How ridiculous, no one would reply to that. So, I sent one as a social experiment..it totally backfired. I had a reply with a few 😂 faces and saying how it was an amazing introduction. Total backfire!! again..UNMATCHED

I am genuinely convinced that soon, all replies will be in an emoji format. It’s definetly already started, with replies like ‘lol 😂 haha’, how do you respond to that, im sure that’s a closed message..’lol 😂’  When the language of emoji takes over.. expect one of two replies from me:

🛎🔚 OR W⚓️

Maybe I’m a tad bored with dating apps now!

A classic case of ‘no spark’

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It is 12.00am on a Friday morning. I have not long got home from another first date. It appears I still haven’t learnt my lesson, that I attract guys from the strange walks of life. Unfortunately I cannot blame Tinder for this one, I totally blame Bumble and my own lack of judgement.

So, spending the night swiping through the app I looked at this guy’s profile. Instead of pictures of him in Thailand on some exotic animal, wrestling a tiger or skiing, there was a fancy dress picture of him in a dress. Fair play I thought, it was certainly different and quite cute, he also described himself as the real Ross Gellar. So as per bumble rules, I had to message within 24hrs. I sent a message complimenting on his ability to pull off a dress, wig and knee high socks. After a few messages we were getting on really well, seemed to have the same humour and both liked similar music, always a winner. After a few days chatting we swapped numbers and arranged a date, to some quirky bar with my kind of music. I wasn’t really nervous or bothered about this one, I thought of it as just going out with a mate after how well we had gotten on. I didn’t even have an advance outfit planned or hair & make up, not like me at all. I always have a date outfit planned at least 3 days in advance in my head!

I turned up early for once; he was sat waiting with a White Russian (WTF milk on a night out?!) for himself and a standard southern comfort for me. First impressions, not at all what I would normally go for at all but he came across alright. He looked a lot different from his pictures and had the strangest accent that took me by surprise, almost as much as how he pronounced the word ‘practice’ as ‘pratice’. We had a nice chat but it quickly became apparent that it was all business. I didn’t fancy him at all, no little sparks, no laughs and there weren’t enough pints in the word that would tempt me to a sleepover! He pointed out that he had small hands for some reason, then I was mesmerized, they made mine look massive, I refrained from a previous small hand joke, totally inappropriate.

I made the excuse that I wanted to beat the late night scramble for a taxi and said I was leaving. He offered me money for my cab, which I didn’t take and walked me to the taxi rank. I gave him a hug, skilfully swerved the attempt at a kiss and gave the ‘thanks for a nice night and it was nice to meet you’ brush off line, which I have learnt is code for ‘thanks but no thanks’. This did not work, as his parting line as i closed the taxi door happy i didn’t get asked for a second date, was ‘I will throw you a text and we will sort something out’. I clearly need to come up with a more inventive/brutal way to end dates successfully. i could use a line used on me the other week..’well, i’m sure i will speak to you again at some point’. a personal favorite brush off, straight to the point, leaving no room for hope.

I am a firm believer in personality, laughter and butterflies; I’m not one to go for looks. Looks fade over time, so if you’re with some absolute wanker who is hot as hell, eventually when their looks fade away, you will be left with just an absolute wanker.

With that said, they should ideally be a two pint minimum on the sleepover scale.

To date or not to date!

I am now around 6 months into this dating malarkey and all I can say is it has been emotional to say the least. Since my last dating post about the three lovely fella’s I dated from tinder, I have yet to go on another. The experience of the giraffe kisser, inappropriate joker and the guy with the dodgy movie choice may have put me off slightly. Since then I have spoken to a few guys, we have swapped numbers and exchanged numerous ‘normal’ messages then it doesn’t go anywhere. Which I am secretly happy about, I have started to plan a few dates then realised I actually don’t want to go on one. I don’t feel the need to go out and date just because I can, even if it would provide me with another funny story to add to my dating collection and a free meal. Considering I only seem to attract freaks at the minute, I’m definitely wary! Plus the smallest thing puts me off, those roll eye emoji’s in conversations piss me off straight away, roll your eyes in someone else’s inbox, passive aggressive comments will make you sound like a total wanker and anyone who wants to hit me with some ‘life lessons’, I’m good thanks, at least have a normal conversation before you try to change my mindset. So unless the conversation is flowing nicely, i’m getting good vibes and the guy doesn’t say lol or call me hun all the time, i wont be playing out, i will be washing my hair or i’ll have to stay in to tape the 40 year old virgin on VHS in case ITV decide to stop showing it.

I haven’t been on a date since January, it feels like two weeks ago not months! Last week my single curiosity got the better of me though, when I heard about a new dating app called ‘bumble’. I felt like I was missing out, so the obvious thing was to sign up straight away and have a nosey at these blokes who have swerved Tinder in search of a better place. I had forgotten how addictive these dating apps are! This app is different to tinder, the girl has to send the first message within 24hrs, then the guy has to reply in 24hrs or the match disappears. So i have been trying to thing of witty one liners to open with and failing miserably. It would seem that no one can hold a conversation, i need to get back to going out and letting alcohol make my dating decisions again, as that has worked out amazingly so far..

What i have learnt, according to some secret rule, on a guy’s profile they must have pictures including snowboarding, on a mountain, some sort of wild animal, one in Thailand and with a random girl. Also, what is everyone’s obsession with height? Apparently this is a big thing in the girl world, something that I have never even thought about! Surly one of the main questions to address should be shoe choice instead?! Tall, dark and shit shoes does not make a perfect match.

Ruby Wilde..Pin Up

Now I am back to being a confident little sausage again, I’ve decided to take the plunge into pin up modelling. It’s something I have wanted to do for ages, ever since my first shoot with Alt Studio in Manchester, a shoot that I won on Facebook! I had never even thought of modelling or anything pin up related before that, apart from loving a bit of Audrey, Marilyn and the gorgeous Lauren Bacall in the old Hollywood movies but who doesn’t. I have debated it for ages, constantly talking myself out of it with more self-doubt. Then I saw an Instagram post asking for submissions to a new pin up magazine and thought why the hell not, they can only say no. they actually accepted them!

I have had three shoots so far. One a fun 50’s pin up on location in new Brighton/Port Sunlight, the second a 60’s shoot around the gorgeous buildings in Liverpool and todays was a lingerie style shoot with military gear. I enjoyed all three so much and managed to get some fantastic images. I have finally found a hobby that I actually really enjoy, although it can be hard work.

My first shoot in over two years went abit like this..

20 mins of coconut oil pulling, a pin curl set, full face of makeup and keeping everything crossed that my only pair of sheer stockings didn’t ladder on the way up! I was over the moon that all of the above had gone perfect, which isn’t my usual style. Then I got to my car outside to see that it had been redecorated by what looks like a synchronised team of homing pigeons. Clearly I fitted right in, dressed all glam, sat in a metal tin of absolute shite. Then the tunnel was heaving and the car park we had agreed to meet was chocker too. Thankfully it got better from there, apart from me accidentally flashing a cyclist, they really are hard to spot!

Planning a shoot can be tough, finding the right photographer, arranging an appropriate date and idea is just the start. Then there is choosing the right outfit, luckily I have quite a varied pin up and vintage wardrobe ready to be put to good use! Then if you can’t find a make-up artist or hairdresser willing to collaborate on a TF (time for) basis, you need to practice the look until your happy, something that I have always played along with anyway. The night before, I usually do 15-20 mins of coconut oil pulling, my preening & body prep and try to get good night’s sleep. Before today’s shoot, I had a quick 20min meditation when I woke up, followed by a nice breakfast ready for the afternoon ahead. One thing I have learnt from this modelling malarkey, I really need to work on my core fitness! Although I can get into most poses and hold them without shaking like a shitting dog but I definitely need some work.

This week I have another shoot booked at a networking event for models and photographers at an amazing old manor house which will be a great opportunity to get my little face out there and make some contacts. I also have a few more ideas for fun shoots, as well as making a military style calendar for charity, something I have always wanted to do, even if it only sells one, it’s all for a good cause.

I have posted some pics from various shoots above but feel free to check out my facebook page @rubywildepinup or Instagram @rubywildepinup which will be updated after most shoots!