Category Archives: confidence

A few words to my younger self..

If I could write a letter to my younger self, it would go something like this..

OI YOU LITTLE BITCH!..

Just kidding..


-always remember to smile

-You are always good enough.. never listen to the few idiots who try to make you feel less of a person, they are projecting their own issues on you, and they are also arseholes.

-your mum is always right, apart from thinking you like eggs, she won’t remember this until you hit 28 and by that time you won’t actually mind them

-you will loose that ‘puppy fat’ and when you look back, you will realise you were never really fat anyway!

-get rid of the negative influences in your life sooner rather than later

-when you get that first working pay check, for god sake stay away from new look!

-coming second is a big achievement..especially when it’s to someone who is just as creative and ridiculously talented, it’s something to be proud of, nothing to be embarrassed of.

-it’s ok to cry & show emotion, it’s totally ok to ‘cry like a girl’ as you bloody are one!

-what ever you do, do not let that dinner lady force you to eat cauliflower cheese..it doesn’t end well

-be yourself, don’t be so shy and embarrassed. There is nothing wrong with standing out from the crowd.

-everything will make sense in a few years, all of those gut feelings and niggling thoughts will make sense

-massive hoop earrings are a major faux par 

-as is pulling your socks over your finest Lacoste tracky pants 

-you will find your place one day, no more longing of a place to fit in, you will finally find the right fashion sense through vintage everything!

-that empty space you feel that needs filling, will become whole once you start to love yourself ❤

-stop ironing your hair immediately, one day you will want those curls back

-it’s ok not to have a plan, you don’t have to go to uni or college straight away, enjoy being young and free!

And last but not least..

DONT RUN IN CLOGGS YOU DAFT COW!!

Head Space

On my little three day trip to Spain I managed to do some serious soul searching. Lately I have lost my way a bit. I had totally thrown myself into modelling as well as doing my job and cramming as much over time in as humanly possible.

All of my new positive activities had been kicked to the kerb. I was back to eating crap, no more yoga, no more meditation, slowed down blogging, no more walks around the park or chilling my beans. My days off were crammed with arranging shoots, planning outfits, poses, travel time, preparation and trying to function on very little sleep. Cramming four shoots in a month is not the best idea. I literally felt drained.

So on the Sunday, after 2 hours sleep I headed to a networking shoot. Then straight from the shoot, I had to rush home, grab my suitcase and haul ass to the airport. I got myself one big ass pint of cider and rang my mum. This was the first time I had flown on my own and I’m a terribly flyer. I looked at it as some time to chill on my own.

I boarded the plane and threw my headphones in, for the first hour I listened to a guided meditation on Spotify. I managed to coach my breathing right through the take off and didn’t get one tiny ounce of anxiety. I also done the same on the way back, although this time I was surrounded by 6 million children, who decided to scream as we were landing, I very, very nearly lost my shit and joined in with the screaming.

I had an amazing few days. The friend I went to visit, I had known for 10 years which has flown! For the first time I was totally honest with her, going into some pretty deep stuff that I would never normally talk about. It must have been the pool/lilo/sun effect as I was totally sober! Afterwards I didn’t feel as bad as I thought I would opening up like that. My little mini break was certainly an experience in every sense Down at the beach I lay down, burning to an absolute crisp and revaluated the past few weeks and what is most important to me. It’s then a realised I’m doing too much and need to slow down. I left my phone in the apartment whenever we went out and felt like i had gained a sense of freedom. My phone has done nothing but ping lately, to the point that I have silenced most of my notifications. Luckily I had my picture mad friend to document the whole thing.

So from my holiday revaluation I will be doing the following:

– Making more time for myself, get back to enjoying nature again

– Slowing down with the modelling, one or two shoots a month is totally fine!

– Make time to meditate and practice yoga and eat well

– Continue to write this blog and spill my emotional beans all over the place

– Continue to make my little home a happy place to escape, which isn’t hard as I am in heaven as soon as I walk through the door.

– Using social media a lot less, apart from my modelling page occasionally.

– Carrying on smiling, laughing and being positive when faced with any negativity.

I am one day in to slowing down and i already feel so much better again 🙂

Week off?..completed it mate

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So I have had a whole week off work, which I was totally dreading. I had visions of me going all Bridget Jones, downing wine and screeching along to ‘all by myself’. I had even bought the ice cream ready, mint chocolate chip, what else?! I could cope with a whole week of wine and ice cream, although I don’t think my neighbors would have felt the same with my singing.

I’m nearing the end to that week off and actually haven’t stopped until right now; my phone literally hasn’t stopped with messages and emails. Not only have I had the chance to catch up with family and friends but I managed to squeeze in two amazing shoots. One in Liverpool, a pure cheesecake pin up one putting own my spin on a Gil Elvgren painting which I am obsessed with; the second one was a boudoir shoot in Manchester. I was totally comfortable with the pin up one as I am getting used to the yoga style moves to get into certain poses but didn’t know what to expect from the boudoir shoot. I had posed a bit in lingerie but never a burlesque theme. I must have been comfortable right from the start as I nailed each pose on the first shot. Plus when the photographer asks the reason for the shoot and says ‘well it’s clearly not to boost your confidence’, you know you’re on to a winner. I was always confident about my body when i was younger, something i had lost over the past 6 or so years. I knew prancing around that studio in my stockings, not even trying to suck my belly in, or caring about my cellulite or my nice shiny silver stretch marks that my body confidence has come back with vengeance.

So this weekend I’m having to totally recharge my batteries before another busy week ahead, back to work for 4 shifts, then two more shoots and heading straight to the airport after Sundays networking shoot. I know I should possibly take my time with this pin up malarkey but at the minute I’m loving it and starting to actually get somewhere, not bad for only two months in. I can’t quite believe how it’s all working out and still feel a bit uncomfortable at times when people pass comment as I don’t know how to take a compliment at all, well without sounding sarcastic. Once you start believing you can actually achieve a day dream, it’s surprising how quick you get in to it.  Plus when I’m burnt out and shattered, I can revert to my first plan and grab my tub of ice cream from the freezer and piss off the neighbors!

A minor dating app rant..

It’s safe to say I’m learning ALOT from online dating..such as most people you speak to are arseholes..most, not all.
Has the art of vaguely normal communication started to fade? Most guys I have messaged over these glorious dating apps seem fairly decent, then you get hit with a passive aggressive response.

One example, I had my notifications turned off, replied to a message from 3 days before with the standard apology and ‘what have you been upto?’ Question, his response..’oh nothing just sat here waiting for a reply and being single’. Jesus H Christ. UNMATCHED

Also If you are going to ask me the worlds shittest question, like what my favourite ice cream is, don’t expect an enthusiastic reply, or anything more than ‘mint chocolate chip’.  Responding with SOUND 🙄 was a fantastic reply, maybe instead of scrolling to the rolling eyes emoji, you should up your questions game. UNMATCHED

Yesterday, I had a little experiment with someone who is obsessed with sending a ‘giff’ instead of a hello for the first message and was getting  o replies. How ridiculous, no one would reply to that. So, I sent one as a social experiment..it totally backfired. I had a reply with a few 😂 faces and saying how it was an amazing introduction. Total backfire!! again..UNMATCHED

I am genuinely convinced that soon, all replies will be in an emoji format. It’s definetly already started, with replies like ‘lol 😂 haha’, how do you respond to that, im sure that’s a closed message..’lol 😂’  When the language of emoji takes over.. expect one of two replies from me:

🛎🔚 OR W⚓️

Maybe I’m a tad bored with dating apps now!

A classic case of ‘no spark’

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It is 12.00am on a Friday morning. I have not long got home from another first date. It appears I still haven’t learnt my lesson, that I attract guys from the strange walks of life. Unfortunately I cannot blame Tinder for this one, I totally blame Bumble and my own lack of judgement.

So, spending the night swiping through the app I looked at this guy’s profile. Instead of pictures of him in Thailand on some exotic animal, wrestling a tiger or skiing, there was a fancy dress picture of him in a dress. Fair play I thought, it was certainly different and quite cute, he also described himself as the real Ross Gellar. So as per bumble rules, I had to message within 24hrs. I sent a message complimenting on his ability to pull off a dress, wig and knee high socks. After a few messages we were getting on really well, seemed to have the same humour and both liked similar music, always a winner. After a few days chatting we swapped numbers and arranged a date, to some quirky bar with my kind of music. I wasn’t really nervous or bothered about this one, I thought of it as just going out with a mate after how well we had gotten on. I didn’t even have an advance outfit planned or hair & make up, not like me at all. I always have a date outfit planned at least 3 days in advance in my head!

I turned up early for once; he was sat waiting with a White Russian (WTF milk on a night out?!) for himself and a standard southern comfort for me. First impressions, not at all what I would normally go for at all but he came across alright. He looked a lot different from his pictures and had the strangest accent that took me by surprise, almost as much as how he pronounced the word ‘practice’ as ‘pratice’. We had a nice chat but it quickly became apparent that it was all business. I didn’t fancy him at all, no little sparks, no laughs and there weren’t enough pints in the word that would tempt me to a sleepover! He pointed out that he had small hands for some reason, then I was mesmerized, they made mine look massive, I refrained from a previous small hand joke, totally inappropriate.

I made the excuse that I wanted to beat the late night scramble for a taxi and said I was leaving. He offered me money for my cab, which I didn’t take and walked me to the taxi rank. I gave him a hug, skilfully swerved the attempt at a kiss and gave the ‘thanks for a nice night and it was nice to meet you’ brush off line, which I have learnt is code for ‘thanks but no thanks’. This did not work, as his parting line as i closed the taxi door happy i didn’t get asked for a second date, was ‘I will throw you a text and we will sort something out’. I clearly need to come up with a more inventive/brutal way to end dates successfully. i could use a line used on me the other week..’well, i’m sure i will speak to you again at some point’. a personal favorite brush off, straight to the point, leaving no room for hope.

I am a firm believer in personality, laughter and butterflies; I’m not one to go for looks. Looks fade over time, so if you’re with some absolute wanker who is hot as hell, eventually when their looks fade away, you will be left with just an absolute wanker.

With that said, they should ideally be a two pint minimum on the sleepover scale.

To date or not to date!

I am now around 6 months into this dating malarkey and all I can say is it has been emotional to say the least. Since my last dating post about the three lovely fella’s I dated from tinder, I have yet to go on another. The experience of the giraffe kisser, inappropriate joker and the guy with the dodgy movie choice may have put me off slightly. Since then I have spoken to a few guys, we have swapped numbers and exchanged numerous ‘normal’ messages then it doesn’t go anywhere. Which I am secretly happy about, I have started to plan a few dates then realised I actually don’t want to go on one. I don’t feel the need to go out and date just because I can, even if it would provide me with another funny story to add to my dating collection and a free meal. Considering I only seem to attract freaks at the minute, I’m definitely wary! Plus the smallest thing puts me off, those roll eye emoji’s in conversations piss me off straight away, roll your eyes in someone else’s inbox, passive aggressive comments will make you sound like a total wanker and anyone who wants to hit me with some ‘life lessons’, I’m good thanks, at least have a normal conversation before you try to change my mindset. So unless the conversation is flowing nicely, i’m getting good vibes and the guy doesn’t say lol or call me hun all the time, i wont be playing out, i will be washing my hair or i’ll have to stay in to tape the 40 year old virgin on VHS in case ITV decide to stop showing it.

I haven’t been on a date since January, it feels like two weeks ago not months! Last week my single curiosity got the better of me though, when I heard about a new dating app called ‘bumble’. I felt like I was missing out, so the obvious thing was to sign up straight away and have a nosey at these blokes who have swerved Tinder in search of a better place. I had forgotten how addictive these dating apps are! This app is different to tinder, the girl has to send the first message within 24hrs, then the guy has to reply in 24hrs or the match disappears. So i have been trying to thing of witty one liners to open with and failing miserably. It would seem that no one can hold a conversation, i need to get back to going out and letting alcohol make my dating decisions again, as that has worked out amazingly so far..

What i have learnt, according to some secret rule, on a guy’s profile they must have pictures including snowboarding, on a mountain, some sort of wild animal, one in Thailand and with a random girl. Also, what is everyone’s obsession with height? Apparently this is a big thing in the girl world, something that I have never even thought about! Surly one of the main questions to address should be shoe choice instead?! Tall, dark and shit shoes does not make a perfect match.

Ruby Wilde..Pin Up

Now I am back to being a confident little sausage again, I’ve decided to take the plunge into pin up modelling. It’s something I have wanted to do for ages, ever since my first shoot with Alt Studio in Manchester, a shoot that I won on Facebook! I had never even thought of modelling or anything pin up related before that, apart from loving a bit of Audrey, Marilyn and the gorgeous Lauren Bacall in the old Hollywood movies but who doesn’t. I have debated it for ages, constantly talking myself out of it with more self-doubt. Then I saw an Instagram post asking for submissions to a new pin up magazine and thought why the hell not, they can only say no. they actually accepted them!

I have had three shoots so far. One a fun 50’s pin up on location in new Brighton/Port Sunlight, the second a 60’s shoot around the gorgeous buildings in Liverpool and todays was a lingerie style shoot with military gear. I enjoyed all three so much and managed to get some fantastic images. I have finally found a hobby that I actually really enjoy, although it can be hard work.

My first shoot in over two years went abit like this..

20 mins of coconut oil pulling, a pin curl set, full face of makeup and keeping everything crossed that my only pair of sheer stockings didn’t ladder on the way up! I was over the moon that all of the above had gone perfect, which isn’t my usual style. Then I got to my car outside to see that it had been redecorated by what looks like a synchronised team of homing pigeons. Clearly I fitted right in, dressed all glam, sat in a metal tin of absolute shite. Then the tunnel was heaving and the car park we had agreed to meet was chocker too. Thankfully it got better from there, apart from me accidentally flashing a cyclist, they really are hard to spot!

Planning a shoot can be tough, finding the right photographer, arranging an appropriate date and idea is just the start. Then there is choosing the right outfit, luckily I have quite a varied pin up and vintage wardrobe ready to be put to good use! Then if you can’t find a make-up artist or hairdresser willing to collaborate on a TF (time for) basis, you need to practice the look until your happy, something that I have always played along with anyway. The night before, I usually do 15-20 mins of coconut oil pulling, my preening & body prep and try to get good night’s sleep. Before today’s shoot, I had a quick 20min meditation when I woke up, followed by a nice breakfast ready for the afternoon ahead. One thing I have learnt from this modelling malarkey, I really need to work on my core fitness! Although I can get into most poses and hold them without shaking like a shitting dog but I definitely need some work.

This week I have another shoot booked at a networking event for models and photographers at an amazing old manor house which will be a great opportunity to get my little face out there and make some contacts. I also have a few more ideas for fun shoots, as well as making a military style calendar for charity, something I have always wanted to do, even if it only sells one, it’s all for a good cause.

I have posted some pics from various shoots above but feel free to check out my facebook page @rubywildepinup or Instagram @rubywildepinup which will be updated after most shoots!

29 and Awesome!

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Last week, I hit the milestone of the final year of my 20’s. This was a terrifying thought for all involved, who keep reminding me that I need to enjoy my 20’s while it lasts. I’ll admit, thanks to this I did have a teeny tiny freak out but I eventually told myself to get a grip. I actually can’t wait to turn 30. I am setting no goals or plans to hit at all, I don’t care if I will be single or taken, that I will still be asked for ID everywhere, that I don’t own my own house or what I will be doing in life at that time. I will hit 30 pressure free 🙂

My minor quarter life crisis included me thinking that I needed to sort out every area in my life right now, making me think that most of it was going wrong, when in fact it’s all actually bloody brilliant! I have my lovely family, a job, a roof over my head and food in my cupboards. What more could a girl need?!

My crisis point did have some lasting effects. I have continued to do meditation and yoga, still playing my ukulele and moaning about useless shit I can’t change a lot less. I am taking the time to do things that I have always wanted to do, including doing pin up shoots and not actually caring about people’s opinions.

One thing that didn’t stick was my ‘alcohol free april’. I genuinely don’t give a shit that I failed at this one. I had a brilliant day/night out with my lovely family and just as good a day recovery on Sunday.

I am five days in to being 29 and i’m living the dream. In February i relocated to a totally new area, away from my family and friends, somewhere that I had only drove through once and didn’t know a soul. I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone thinking it would challenge me, so far it has indeed! As cliché as it sounds I have actually rediscovered something I had been looking for. I am totally back to being myself, the person that I hadn’t seen for over 8ish years. We have all been there, when people try to make you feel like a bag of hot, sweaty shite. Nasty comments said at the right time can send you on that downward spiral of self-hatred and make you believe every put down. Not anymore. I know my worth, I’m not those names that I have been called and while I am not perfect, I love my imperfections!

So what if I swear like a Docker, love a drink, wear old clothes, choose to dye my hair ginger, don’t have the perfect figure, I’m stubborn as hell and the height of a midget. I couldn’t care less, in fact..i’m awesome and i love it!

Learn to love yourself

‘You cannot be lonely if you like the person your alone with’ Wayne Dyer

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After a particularly emotional week, full of guilt, tears and one of the worst possible jobs you can attend whilst working for an ambulance service, I have had my eyes opened. It is time for yet another change; I am going to embrace being a spiritual thinking little soul.

Since I was a teenager, I have always felt like there was a part of me missing, that feeling of always needing to find something or someone to complete me. I always thought that it was a specific issue that left me feeling this way. Even once that issue was resolved, the lost feeling didn’t leave. I tried to fill it with relationships, alcohol, fashion, shopping and friends and it would work for a while. I have always been looking or searching for something that was right inside me all along; its not another person i need to fill the lost, empty feeling i have, I just needed to find myself. I realise that I need to learn to accept my past mistakes, let go of them and move on. After all they have led me right now; they have contributed to the person that I am today. I need to learn to love myself. After all how can you expect anyone else to love you if you don’t love yourself?

I have really struggled in the past. I have hated myself for various reasons. I hated my body, my stomach, that I was chunky as a teenager, my angry red stretchmarks, then I hated my shiny silver ones, I hated that I had such big boobs for such a small person, I hated that this was what people tended to notice about me, I hated how shy I was, how short I was, how drunk I get, the person that drink turns me into, hated how promiscuous I have been in the past, I hated how I felt needy and emotional, hated myself if I cried in front of anyone, I hated that I couldn’t stand up for myself, that I usually say the wrong thing in group conversations, how stubborn I am, I hated how full on I can be. I hate that I listened to other people, when someone tries to project their thoughts or what they dislike about me, I believed and hated.

Now, as I near 29, I am learning to love myself. I love my body and my un-perfect figure, my little ‘family belly’ passed down our family that never goes. I love my stretch marks. I don’t care about the size of my boobs anymore, I realise that only the shallowest of people will take notice and not see me for who I am. I love how short and small I am, I saved a small fortune buying a child’s pair of glasses and boots. I like being shy when I first meet people, I feel it leaves an air of mystery. I am learning that alcohol isnt the answer to most situations, in fact it will make them worse, I am slowly learning how to change my patterns of behaviour. I have accepted my previous mistakes that have come out of alcohol and raised my standards a hell of a lot, I have let go of the guilt that I have been holding on to. I know that its ok to be needy at times, I still hate crying in front of people but i am learning.  I accept that I am stubborn and being full on is just an outlet of excitement! As for what I say in conversations, who’s arsed though, really?! I no longer listen to other people’s thoughts, so what if you think I am boring, dress like a 60’s throw back or swear too much, keep your passive aggressive comments to yourself. I now know that these are the other persons issues, not my own, it is their ego talking.

I now realise that this is all in the past. In order to move on and live a happy, guilt free life, I need to accept both my achievements and failures. I need to understand that it is ok to fail, that I will fail on occasion but I will also succeed a lot more. I believe that everything happens for a reason, certain people come and go, some are a lesson and some a blessing. I am learning a lot about myself lately and I realise that the past few years have been a huge learning curve.

I am now happy with the way things are going. My confidence has had a serious boost, i am loving spending time alone, i love the mini challenges i have set for myself and i am loving actually reaching my little goals.

So now I have set myself two big challenges. Not only will I become a positive thinking person with bags of confidence, I will also do something I never thought possible, I will learn to love myself.

Selective Extrovert?!

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I have never really looked at myself as an introvert or an extrovert, I’m not the kind of person who wants to be categorized, where’s the fun in that?!

I seem to go through phases of being either extremely sociable for a few weeks then I go to the opposite end of the scale to the point where I go full on recluse mode. Take the past few months for example. I found myself single for the first time in years and back living with the rents, sat in my room most nights. So I hit my sociable phase. I started going out most nights, either on dates or catching up with mates, drinking out of boredom or to help me sleep. Mix that up with Christmas festivities and shift work in between, come January I was shattered. I had no space to escape or place to call my own. I had organized a surprise weekend away for my mum’s birthday with the whole family in the Lake District and while it was an amazing weekend, I was drained by the second night and in bed early. Although I am sure that flapping that the surprise would be ruined, trying to sort things out for the big move and drinking way too much only added to matters. It was nothing a walk on the mountain and a little hot tub and sauna session couldn’t sort out.

I don’t like being the centre of attention, yet I want to stand out from everyone else and look different. I love to get ridiculously dolled up in vintage styles, thus drawing it to myself. I love big, BIG 60’s hair, victory rolls, wiggle dresses, 50’s tea dresses, mini mod dresses and lashings of lack eyeliner and red lipstick. The joy I get when a good pin curl set brushes out and sets like a dream cannot be put into words. That’s the only time I miss living with anyone, there is no one around to appreciate my masterpiece hair but thankfully my mum has Whatsapp!

I am sometimes shy around new people and tend to stay quiet in group conversations. I prefer to listen to what everyone else has to say first and get to know people before I can chirp in; even then I’m still quite reserved, which is another reason for writing this blog! Then I will meet a certain type of person; one that I immediately feel comfortable with and unleash my unusual, witty and chatty side and I have no guilt. Those thoughts after conversations where normally I would wonder if I came across weird, if I slipped up and said something too personal about myself or could have offended in anyway are none existent. Actually, all of those things add to the conversation! I am now learning not to answer the ‘what have you been up to?’ question with ‘nothing much’ and sounding like a boring cow that sits at home every night in the dark. I hated talking about myself. I suppose that’s why I can talk to patients in work; I am usually asking the questions. I do however think that most of these behaviors have been learnt, from trusting the wrong people and having private things broadcast like the latest gossip to the looks I get when I make a comment on a situation where I have let my ‘whatever you do, don’t say that’ filter slip; maybe Maybe i am a closet extrovert?! I actually don’t care what others think of me, I dress how I like, I don’t care if I piss anyone off and I will unleash my weird side, well with selective people of course, I wouldn’t want to be slapped on a 28 day ‘holiday’. Time to start selling myself (in a non-prostitute kind of way) and get out of this introvert/extrovert closet my lack of confidence has created.

Since making these small changes, avoiding negativity and becoming more confident in myself, I have made some amazing friends, some of which were right in front of me the whole time. After my pretty crappy year, a few of my work colleagues have been amazing, especially with loads of good advice that had helped no end, I have reconnected with old friends who actually knew me a lot more than I thought and people with the same interests and views have appeared in my life. No more drama llama’s or mood hoover’s in my life, PREACH!