Category Archives: positive thinking

October Goals..

The trees are about to show us how lovely it can be to let the dead things go..

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I bloody love October and everything about Autumn. The colours of the changing leaves, the chill in the air and chunky boots but most of all, I love that I can finally dig out my skirts and tights! I must be part of the minority that has more skirts for winter than I do for summer.

So with it being the 1st today, I’m starting a fresh. I haven’t done any form of writing for weeks, not just on my blog but any writing in general. Over the past few months I have been scribbling in a note book constantly, trying to think of ideas for books, blogs or short stories but I have totally lacked inspiration. Today, that has changed.

I woke up this morning like a new woman. Hangover free and ready for change.

I have set a few little goals for October and I intend to hit every one of them..

  1. Spend more time in nature – either head up to the lakes or wander around the park
  2. Spend less time worrying about what people say/think
  3. Get back to modelling shoots – I only stopped due to number 2..
  4. Start writing again
  5. Do more things that feed my soul and make me not want to spend so much time on my phone
  6. Stop thinking about work on my days off and essentially work on having a life separate from my day job, my job doesn’t define me as a person
  7. Learn to say who I am without using age, occupation or gender but as a person
  8. Forgive myself for previous mistakes or failures – we all make them!

These might seem like crap/small goals to some but to others they will see the importance of setting and reaching them. I see them as a method of self-improvement and to help me get back to being my authentic self, not the ideal created by what others say or think that I should do. I am now a firm believer in relying on the one person that I know can create peace and happiness in my life, that’s myself. So far this year I have realised that I don’t need to depend on anyone else to make me happy but those that come in to my life and make me smile or laugh are a total blessing.

I also said above that i love all things about Autumn but that may be a slight lie..the one thing i cant stand is this obsession with pumpkin spice latte’s, nothing good can come of this. Give me a baileys hot chocolate any day 🙂

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Six Months Later..


Exactly six months ago, I made the decision to completely pack my life up and relocate to a totally new area. An area to which I had only driven through on one or two occasions, my first time going was the day that I viewed my flat that I am in now before paying my deposit the very same day and I have never looked back.I have no idea why I chose this area. I had never even thought of it, I didn’t know my way around, I didn’t know one person around there and I had no family closer than a 30/40 minute drive away.

Six months on.. it remains one of the best decisions that I have ever made and today I have just signed a 12 month renewal contract.

I had a conversation with my mum before I moved about how I would be moving so far away from friends and that I would never see anyone, that didn’t change much as I hardly seen anyone anyway. I still see my lovely family as often as shift work will allow, constantly keep in touch on Facebook and I have since found a few mates nearby.

I am finally getting my space the way I like it, with a few retro vibes and quirky bits on the wall and I’m planning to collect lots more vintage goodies,  including a gold hostess trolley if anyone has one going free?!

I won’t lie, it hasn’t all been easy, it is hard even being good with money occasionally. All of my bills shot up. I have managed to ween myself off stupid EBay buys (With the exception of vintage prizes of course) and I am being strict at where I shop, trying not to be lazy by going to Tesco and going to a cheaper shop instead. I have my monthly outgoings tick list planning my life but this is the first time in years that I haven’t gone over my overdraft. All things considered, I don’t mind on missing out on nights out, party’s or a new vintage dress, I’m more than happy that my money is going into my flat.

Last time I lived alone after eventually kicking one charming man out, I managed around 5 months and it was nearly as much hell as the relationship that ended. I was constantly bailed out as I was horrendous with money; I lost nearly 2 stone after not being able to afford food due to drinking myself into near oblivion with cheap, sweaty boxes of wine, all thanks to my confidence and head being totally fucked up from said charming man. 7 years later and all of that seems like someone else’s story, one that I will never repeat. Lesson most certainly learnt.

I have so many people comment that I should just move back home or get a lodger in so that I can go to university or save up for a mortgage. As nice as achieving both of those would be, I am not planning on moving or moving anyone in with me in the near future. I love having my independence, not putting pressure on myself to save for a mortgage and not sitting in my bedroom every night. I will do it my own way, my mum managed going to University as a single parent with me and my brother for children, so it should be an absolute breeze for me!

One day, I will own my own house, preferably in the Lake District, have 12 Springer Spaniels, some Silkie chickens, I will have grown my first successful strawberry plant and I will have completed my Paramedic course. Until then I am living the life that I want to live, with the people I care about most in it and i absolutely love it. That in its self is a luxury that many don’t have and I know how lucky I am to have it.

So to anyone that always dreams of starting again, whether it’s a new job or total lifestyle change, make that first step. It’s scary, hard work and you will learn a hell of a lot about yourself but in the end it may be everything that you could have hoped for and more. That’s the scary part.

Back on track

I have done it!! I am finally back on track after a mini freak out that i am nearly 30 and hitting a minor midlife crisis. I have spent the past few weeks stuck in my own head, surrounded by my own thoughts of self-doubt and negativity yet again. For some reason, I kept falling back in to the thought that I hadn’t achieved anything with my life and never will. I felt that i had been living someone else’s life, an older life again. I debated moving again, applying for new jobs miles away, changing my career and basically wanted to run away and start from scratch again. So I decided all I needed was a night out to escape. I ended up having more than a few nights out, in fact, I have had more hangovers this past 3 weeks than I have in the past few months.

My last hangover has lasted a strong four days but was totally worth it, I had my first girl’s night out in years, I had such a laugh and my body is aching from so much dancing. This hangover made me realise that I need to stop hovering over the self-destruct button and stop wanting to run away. After speaking to a friend who has always achieved so much in such a short period of time, it made me realise, that could easily be me if I tried.

So, these are my first few days off that I will remain sober in ages and I can’t wait to be hangover free tomorrow. I had initially planned to stay in, bake some sort of banana invention, throw on a face mask, have an aromatherapy bath and start writing again. So far I have only managed to sit down to write and throw on a face mask. In my defense, I hate baking and only own a whisk!

Tomorrows plan will be one of getting back to nourishing myself and my little palace:

  • Gym to get rid of my bourbon filled belly
  • Treating myself to a shiny old vinyl record
  • Sorting my flat out
  • Heading the tip to bin the rest of my issues
  • Pamper myself back to an acceptable appearance
  • Debate baking a banana bread all day before totally refusing to give in to becoming a girl
  • More writing and making art for my walls

I have made a few small changes such as being back on my positive thinking wave length, getting rid of some hangers on who shouldn’t be in my life, I am writing again, meditating and reading and I have decided to stop putting myself down, I know i am in the exact place in life that I want to be. I have just signed a 12 month lease on my flat and decided I need to focus on my career again; I am becoming more proactive finally. It’s time to stop making lists about what I want in life and time to start believing that I can actually achieve my goals. Even though I will continue to make lists of everything, I bloody love making a list.

Festival Fun

I have just rolled in from a weekend of attempting to be a festival bunny, stinking to high heaven after abusing baby wipes, eating cold beans, curry and burgers for breakfast.

Last year, Kendal Calling was my first ever festival and it was amazing, the sun was shining, it didn’t rain once and nearly every act we saw was unbelievable. This year was a tad different. Instead of being woken up by the smell of bacon and birds tweeting, we were woken by rain battering our tent, something that we had been totally prepared for, not so much for the mud.

It was so damn thick, yet managed to outsmart us. We thought this year, we would be crafty and pay for a pre erected tent to save our little arms carrying everything, since last time we all had arms like Mr Tickle; the mud had other ideas. It took us forever to find our tent, we nearly lost our wellies getting stuck in the mud and we all had burning calves after the trek through the depths of churned up fields that smelt pretty suspect too.

Nothing a few drinks couldn’t solve! So we made a little funnel out of tin foil and decanted our Bourbon into two Capri Sun pouches, shoved them down our pants and skipped off to wade through the slop again. The first night was a slight blare.. We listened to some cool music, hit the fair, the silent disco and maybe the Glow Tent..my mind goes very, VERY hazy midway through the silent disco, after changing my headphones four times because ‘they were broken’. It was clearly me that was broken, I was a hot mess. On the mission back to the tent, myself and my friend ended up losing each other and wandering into the wrong field, I fell into 3, maybe 4 tents, fell over numerous tent ropes and caked myself in mud, before randomly bumping into my mate in the wrong field again.

This pretty sums up the whole weekend as we proceeded to burn a hole in our lovely rented tent, ended up sleeping on the floor thanks to some awesome blow up beds, wrapped up in foil blankets, heard a couple having some pretty uninspiring sex (or struggling to pack their tent up) and spent the whole last day speaking in an Australian Accent. I have never said the word ‘Salamander’ so much in my life. I don’t even really know what a salamander is, although I do know that it is not in fact, a baby dragon.

Although I absolutely loved the weekend as it was spent with two absolutely bonkers ladies that make me howl, it has made me realise I may be getting to old for this camping malarkey, even though I’m only 29!

I used to love a good four day bender, camping and not having to wash my hair for any long period of time, now I would rather the opposite! The post-camping smell is totally soul destroying, I can’t cope with sleeping for less than 6 hours a weekend and I bloody love a pair of slippers, a festival no-no. So next year, we are going to do it properly and make our own festival!

It wasn’t all bad, some serious life lessons have been learnt..

  1. Putting a gas camping stove on the ground sheet of a tent will result in a serious hole in the floor
  2. The truth about Dolphins
  3. The smell of a festival toilet never really leaves you
  4. Capri Sun pouches are an alcohol smugglers dream
  5. Don’t let Kayleigh drive shot gun, unless you like having perforated eardrums or listening to the ‘Miley Cyrus’
  6. My Australian accent is borderline offensive.

A few words to my younger self..

If I could write a letter to my younger self, it would go something like this..

OI YOU LITTLE BITCH!..

Just kidding..


-always remember to smile

-You are always good enough.. never listen to the few idiots who try to make you feel less of a person, they are projecting their own issues on you, and they are also arseholes.

-your mum is always right, apart from thinking you like eggs, she won’t remember this until you hit 28 and by that time you won’t actually mind them

-you will loose that ‘puppy fat’ and when you look back, you will realise you were never really fat anyway!

-get rid of the negative influences in your life sooner rather than later

-when you get that first working pay check, for god sake stay away from new look!

-coming second is a big achievement..especially when it’s to someone who is just as creative and ridiculously talented, it’s something to be proud of, nothing to be embarrassed of.

-it’s ok to cry & show emotion, it’s totally ok to ‘cry like a girl’ as you bloody are one!

-what ever you do, do not let that dinner lady force you to eat cauliflower cheese..it doesn’t end well

-be yourself, don’t be so shy and embarrassed. There is nothing wrong with standing out from the crowd.

-everything will make sense in a few years, all of those gut feelings and niggling thoughts will make sense

-massive hoop earrings are a major faux par 

-as is pulling your socks over your finest Lacoste tracky pants 

-you will find your place one day, no more longing of a place to fit in, you will finally find the right fashion sense through vintage everything!

-that empty space you feel that needs filling, will become whole once you start to love yourself ❤

-stop ironing your hair immediately, one day you will want those curls back

-it’s ok not to have a plan, you don’t have to go to uni or college straight away, enjoy being young and free!

And last but not least..

DONT RUN IN CLOGGS YOU DAFT COW!!

Chilled at last 


I’m blogging al fresco today! I’m currently sat in the park, thoroughly chilling my beans.

I have been non stop lately, barely having a day to recharge. It’s got to the point this week where I’m finally run down and sound like Barry white. I have joked that it’s ‘maga aids’ from my holiday but I managed to avoid not only so much as communicating with the dickhead ‘joey essex wannabes’ of Magaluf but all the mayhem that goes with mad holidays. I just went to float in the sea! It’s my own fault as I always get ill when I push myself too hard and never learn.

So I’ve decided to take some much needed ‘me’ time. Due to some amazing planning,mostly my own fault, I was due to have one day off in 15 days, thanks to filling my time with shoots,work & overtime because I’m an idiot. So I cancelled tonight’s shift.

Tonight’s new plan: No worrying looking for overtime shifts, no shoot planning,  no lists, no working out my money every two minutes and definitely no housework! Instead i’m going for a candle lit bath, face mask, film night & herbal tea ❤ a full girly recharge in all its glory. Which is ironic as I always considered myself far, FAR from girly. I give in, totally!!

Now, I’m sat in the park, listening to pink clouds division bell with my bare feet on the grass and it feels awesome. I spent every nice day in the park when I moved but haven’t for a few weeks with being so busy. Totally forgot how much I love chilling outside.

I may disintegrate in the sun being a fake ginger and all, but at least I would be reduced to dust with a big smile on my face and a positive attitude.. LIFE IS GOOD ✌️

Head Space

On my little three day trip to Spain I managed to do some serious soul searching. Lately I have lost my way a bit. I had totally thrown myself into modelling as well as doing my job and cramming as much over time in as humanly possible.

All of my new positive activities had been kicked to the kerb. I was back to eating crap, no more yoga, no more meditation, slowed down blogging, no more walks around the park or chilling my beans. My days off were crammed with arranging shoots, planning outfits, poses, travel time, preparation and trying to function on very little sleep. Cramming four shoots in a month is not the best idea. I literally felt drained.

So on the Sunday, after 2 hours sleep I headed to a networking shoot. Then straight from the shoot, I had to rush home, grab my suitcase and haul ass to the airport. I got myself one big ass pint of cider and rang my mum. This was the first time I had flown on my own and I’m a terribly flyer. I looked at it as some time to chill on my own.

I boarded the plane and threw my headphones in, for the first hour I listened to a guided meditation on Spotify. I managed to coach my breathing right through the take off and didn’t get one tiny ounce of anxiety. I also done the same on the way back, although this time I was surrounded by 6 million children, who decided to scream as we were landing, I very, very nearly lost my shit and joined in with the screaming.

I had an amazing few days. The friend I went to visit, I had known for 10 years which has flown! For the first time I was totally honest with her, going into some pretty deep stuff that I would never normally talk about. It must have been the pool/lilo/sun effect as I was totally sober! Afterwards I didn’t feel as bad as I thought I would opening up like that. My little mini break was certainly an experience in every sense Down at the beach I lay down, burning to an absolute crisp and revaluated the past few weeks and what is most important to me. It’s then a realised I’m doing too much and need to slow down. I left my phone in the apartment whenever we went out and felt like i had gained a sense of freedom. My phone has done nothing but ping lately, to the point that I have silenced most of my notifications. Luckily I had my picture mad friend to document the whole thing.

So from my holiday revaluation I will be doing the following:

– Making more time for myself, get back to enjoying nature again

– Slowing down with the modelling, one or two shoots a month is totally fine!

– Make time to meditate and practice yoga and eat well

– Continue to write this blog and spill my emotional beans all over the place

– Continue to make my little home a happy place to escape, which isn’t hard as I am in heaven as soon as I walk through the door.

– Using social media a lot less, apart from my modelling page occasionally.

– Carrying on smiling, laughing and being positive when faced with any negativity.

I am one day in to slowing down and i already feel so much better again 🙂

The difference a year can make


Exactly a year ago today,  I was sat on my mates couch drinking vodka, getting ready to pack my life into bin bags, move back home and start all over again.

Fast forward a year, I’m sat on a beach looking out to sea and listening to the waves crashing on the rocks. 

A lot has changed over the past year,  not only my situation but my whole mind set. I’m much more positive, confident and I seem to be spilling my emotional beans all over the place, something I never thought I’d be able to do. Since doing so,not only have I changed but people’s attitudes towards me have changed. I seem to be meeting people with the exact same thinking as me and I have been given some amazing opportunities so I have a lot more to get exited about this year.

I’ve learnt how to be on my own again and to enjoy my own company, I’ve also got my creative side back and haven’t stopped laughing for the past few months, especially at the most random things!

The last few days I have spent with my beautifully bonkers friend at her home in Spain and have had an absolute ball, just what I needed. Not only did I totally conquer my fear of flying and flown completely alone (anxiety free) but I went on a bar crawl and ended up spray painted as a giraffe/zebra style thing. Both things I never thought I would do, especially in Magaluf!!

Tomorrow I will be spending my last few hours drifting about in the sea and jumping over waves again before I head back to reality, straight in to work.. but that doesn’t bother me i the slightest. I couldn’t be happier than I am right now ❤

Although all this positivity may change tomorrow..as someone forgot to put sun cream on their face and it’s been around 100 degrees today!

Week off?..completed it mate

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So I have had a whole week off work, which I was totally dreading. I had visions of me going all Bridget Jones, downing wine and screeching along to ‘all by myself’. I had even bought the ice cream ready, mint chocolate chip, what else?! I could cope with a whole week of wine and ice cream, although I don’t think my neighbors would have felt the same with my singing.

I’m nearing the end to that week off and actually haven’t stopped until right now; my phone literally hasn’t stopped with messages and emails. Not only have I had the chance to catch up with family and friends but I managed to squeeze in two amazing shoots. One in Liverpool, a pure cheesecake pin up one putting own my spin on a Gil Elvgren painting which I am obsessed with; the second one was a boudoir shoot in Manchester. I was totally comfortable with the pin up one as I am getting used to the yoga style moves to get into certain poses but didn’t know what to expect from the boudoir shoot. I had posed a bit in lingerie but never a burlesque theme. I must have been comfortable right from the start as I nailed each pose on the first shot. Plus when the photographer asks the reason for the shoot and says ‘well it’s clearly not to boost your confidence’, you know you’re on to a winner. I was always confident about my body when i was younger, something i had lost over the past 6 or so years. I knew prancing around that studio in my stockings, not even trying to suck my belly in, or caring about my cellulite or my nice shiny silver stretch marks that my body confidence has come back with vengeance.

So this weekend I’m having to totally recharge my batteries before another busy week ahead, back to work for 4 shifts, then two more shoots and heading straight to the airport after Sundays networking shoot. I know I should possibly take my time with this pin up malarkey but at the minute I’m loving it and starting to actually get somewhere, not bad for only two months in. I can’t quite believe how it’s all working out and still feel a bit uncomfortable at times when people pass comment as I don’t know how to take a compliment at all, well without sounding sarcastic. Once you start believing you can actually achieve a day dream, it’s surprising how quick you get in to it.  Plus when I’m burnt out and shattered, I can revert to my first plan and grab my tub of ice cream from the freezer and piss off the neighbors!

Getting back to being positive

Since I have made a few little changes to my life, I have felt like I am literally high on life over the past few months and I have noticed a big difference in most areas of my life. Now, I spend less time in my own head worrying and stressing about the past or future and no more trying to second guess every situation to come. I have been doing a fair bit of reading up on this positive thinking malarkey and have seen the phrase ‘live in the present’ banded about everywhere. I totally agree with this, we all spend too much time willing on our days off, holidays, planning for the future and waiting for something to happen that we forget to live our lives at that minute, we take it for granted. This was the hardest thing to do for me as my mind tends to wander a hell of a lot. It had taken a while and lots of telling myself to get a grip and stop over thinking but I am getting there, with the minor relapse; I have an imagination that loves to take over!

The past few days I have been trying to fight off the little negative niggles of self-doubt in my mind, which I am putting down to a few things: hormones, dating crap, night shifts, very little sleep and doing too much. I hadn’t realised I had slipped back into being a bit negative until I started going through my pin up pictures, scrutinising them and thinking of giving up, telling myself I’m not slim enough, pretty enough or have the right kind of look. Even when I have been let down by people that I know are totally flaky, thinking it was down to something I had done and not that it’s them just being their flaky selves.

I have been on a mission lately, like a woman possessed trying to fill my days off so I’m not sat in doing nothing, so much so that I have actually felt drained. Between hitting the gym, dating and planning and going for pin up shoots, I had totally forgotten to take time out for myself to chill and enjoy my lovely little home, which is what I am doing right now. The ‘healthy’ eating has been thrown out, I am eating my body weight in chocolate and biscuits and binging on Peep Show whilst I’m in night mode.

I am having a day or two away from the world of pin up modelling, life planning and healthy eating and I am removing myself from the shitty world of dating and focusing on myself again. Back to falling over doing yoga, falling asleep trying to meditate and forgetting that other people can hear me singing whilst walking around the park with my headphones in, i have missed those funny looks. Time to recharge my little brain and get back into the positive thinking zone.