After moving house for the 16th time in my life, of 4th time in the last 6 years; I have not only realized that I could be considered to apply for ‘My big fat gypsy wedding’ if I was young enough, but there are some things missing from our British education system. I remember doing cooking and textiles in school and hating both. I couldn’t bake a cake or sew a in a straight line. I am now nearing 29 and I still can’t sew in a straight line, the jury is still out on my baking! In fact, for my GCSE I hated those lessons so much I chose to do woodwork and passed might I add! So, I have compiled a list of five essential skills that I think young girls should now be taught to keep up with the modern woman..
- How to change a headlamp in your car. I say this as I have just had to pay £12.99 for a bulb and £8 for fitting off an absolutely miserable bastard from Halfords who clearly loves his life, I must have got in the way of him flirting with the scouse brow behind the counter.
- The correct way to remove a spider without either burning your house down or doing a midnight flit.
- How to fit wardrobe doors. This is literally the worse thing ever. Last time I attempted this it took me a whole 4 hours of swearing, followed by crying and throwing my screwdriver. So this time I roped the rents & brother into it with the bribe of bacon butties.
- How to correctly dump a guy or friend zone him without it ending in tears/sociopathic behavior. I have successfully learnt to friend zone a guy in two messages, which only took me years to perfect! If all else fails, delete all social media, block their number and leave the country immediately.
- Bribe delivery drivers. Again from experience, this morning I had a rolled up double mattress delivered to my front door, swiftly followed by a ‘tara love’ as he ran off into the distance. I had to drag the thing up two flights of stairs and around a dodgy corner into my flat. Another lesson learnt; when you remove the wrapping, it will spring up very quickly so definitely don’t put your face in the way!
If you manage to get these skills to a fine art, I truly believe cushion sewing and baking will soon follow, once you are a strong independent woman who don’t need no man!