Life lessons for little ladies

After moving house for the 16th time in my life, of 4th time in the last 6 years; I have not only realized that I could be considered to apply for ‘My big fat gypsy wedding’ if I was young enough, but there are some things missing from our British education system. I remember doing cooking and textiles in school and hating both. I couldn’t bake a cake or sew a in a straight line. I am now nearing 29 and I still can’t sew in a straight line, the jury is still out on my baking! In fact, for my GCSE I hated those lessons so much I chose to do woodwork and passed might I add! So, I have compiled a list of five essential skills that I think young girls should now be taught to keep up with the modern woman..

  1. How to change a headlamp in your car. I say this as I have just had to pay £12.99 for a bulb and £8 for fitting off an absolutely miserable bastard from Halfords who clearly loves his life, I must have got in the way of him flirting with the scouse brow behind the counter.
  2. The correct way to remove a spider without either burning your house down or doing a midnight flit.
  3. How to fit wardrobe doors. This is literally the worse thing ever. Last time I attempted this it took me a whole 4 hours of swearing, followed by crying and throwing my screwdriver. So this time I roped the rents & brother into it with the bribe of bacon butties.
  4. How to correctly dump a guy or friend zone him without it ending in tears/sociopathic behavior. I have successfully learnt to friend zone a guy in two messages, which only took me years to perfect! If all else fails, delete all social media, block their number and leave the country immediately.
  5. Bribe delivery drivers. Again from experience, this morning I had a rolled up double mattress delivered to my front door, swiftly followed by a ‘tara love’ as he ran off into the distance. I had to drag the thing up two flights of stairs and around a dodgy corner into my flat. Another lesson learnt; when you remove the wrapping, it will spring up very quickly so definitely don’t put your face in the way!

 

If you manage to get these skills to a fine art, I truly believe cushion sewing and baking will soon follow, once you are a strong independent woman who don’t need no man!

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