The last time I went on a date was 6/7 years ago. He waited until we asked for the bill to mention that he had no money. So it’s safe to say my expectations where not that high to begin with. So after leaving a 4 year relationship, I listened to everyone’s advice and got myself ‘out there’ and on Tinder. The last time I was single, internet dating was for losers who still lived at home with their parents..now that was me so it off I went! So, after a few weeks of begin to much of a coward to actually meet up with anyone, I decided to get one arranged;
My first one, I was nervous as hell. The conversation was flowing nicely over text so it seemed like a good idea to meet him. I got myself all dolled up and to the bar early for a very nervous southern comfort, also I didn’t want to embarrass myself by not recognising the guy and walking right past him like an arrogant cow. He seemed like a nice guy and not bad-looking but looked younger than he was. We didn’t have much in common but there were no immediate ‘likes to kick puppies in the night’ vibes coming from him. So 4 drinks in, he’s talking about men. About how he wouldn’t be offended if a guy came onto him which I thought was a strange comment to make, totally out of the blue. I have no idea how that came up, I had definitely waxed my moustache beforehand so that can’t have given him the wrong idea. Then the big question..’do you like fighting?’..of course I thought he meant boxing or UFC, apparently not. Is it appropriate first date conversation to tell someone that you get a kick out of starting a fight with a random person in a pub? It’s safe to say we didn’t see each other again. Especially after he kissed me and basically tried to swallow my face, it was like a giraffe trying to eat a blade of grass. Most people would leave after the fight club interview, which I should have done as he spent the rest of the night saying I intimidate him as I’m too pretty (WTF)but I decided to get myself a big pizza and more drinks out of it, after all a girl has to eat!
Second Tinder adventure, a guy from the navy. He was younger by 4 years and very, very tall. He practically towered over my 5’0 stature! I wasn’t nervous about this one, I had a major confidence boost, possibly after the last one being an absolute freak, I didn’t think this would go the same. Again we got on really well over messages, same humour and it was the same for the date. We laughed and took the piss out of each other; there were a lot of small jokes. He did try to play it cool saying he doesn’t chase woman, they chase him. Game on pal, I thought. He offered to walk me to the train station. On the way to the station, I was thinking I would definitely like see this guy again, once he caves and chases me first. He offered me a mint and spotted the size of my hands. The comment that followed left me a tad speechless… ‘Bloody hell how small are your hands, they would make my dick look massive!’ I think he gathered that I wasn’t impressed by the look on my face. He did break and text me within 30 mins of waving me and my small hands off. I was debating a second try until I had a request a few days later out of the blue asking for naked pictures. As tempting as it was, he didn’t get one and I gave the whole ‘always assume I am busy’ line to fend off another date.
My final tinder I was dreading at first after the last two but this faded after chatting for a while and I was quite exited. Thankfully it was a lot less offensive. He was more my type than the others, ticked most of my boxes, no fight club or serial killer suspicions. Plus he was hot. We lived a fair distance from each other so met in the middle for a drink. He turned up fashionably late, just at the point I debated if I had been swerved last minute. We got on really well, it was like I was catching up with an old friend, the next thing we knew the music was off and the pub was shutting. A few hours felt like 5 minutes. We met up a few times after that, he didn’t kiss like a giraffe and attack my face thankfully, quite the opposite! Although he did put a film on about a child eating clown, to see how I would react I think. I styled it out of course with my ‘big beach ball sized lady nuts’ (thanks TWD). But I have to admit I am still freaked out, now I’m wary of clowns as well as kids. But just when I thought I had nailed this dating stuff, it was done.
I had already deleted my tinder profile before date number 3, I ventured back on to it out of boredom and spoke to a few guys before deleting it again after receiving a charming message that said ‘you look like you love the D’. I don’t need an app to meet idiots; I do quite a good job with that myself.
So lessons learnt from datig so far:
-if you kiss and it’s awful, don’t stick around for pizza,
-never show a tall/big guy your hands,
– always, ALWAYS pick the movie!!